Shattered Remnants
by Merovia
Summary: Chapter being revised - My first go at fanfiction. Set after the ending of GWTW, and my take on what might have happened with our favourite couple. This is more of a mind journey than a physical journey. Hope you will enjoy! Now complete - :oD
1. A Rough Awakening

**A/N - now second revision... Everytime I add just a little bit more. Eventually I will get round to the other chaptes to. Happy reading and reviewing ;)**

The Beginning

The night around her was unbelievable still. Surprisingly so. You would have thought that when the world came crashing down around your ears, it would have left something more than a soft hollow whisper of the words that had been the silver lining. "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn". His last words reverberated as a faint echo in the hall, sitting as a heavy burden on her slender shoulders.

How could it be, how could it be true? Her mind hurt from even the effort of trying to comprehend the harsh fact.

He had left her, left her without a backward glance; neither words of consolation nor any that held any promises for the future had left his lips as he had bid her a final adieu and ascended the staircase. The only thing he wanted was to pack up as little of his past as possible and be done with it.

Alone. She was alone again – and this time even more so than ever before.

She simply couldn't understand, she couldn't fathom how this could be happening to her.

She was still sitting on the hallway's great sweeping staircase, trying to find comfort in the soft red fabric that covered its steps, and the dark gloom that reigned there. Tears streamed down her cheeks, leaving salty tracks in their wake. The sorrow she felt was overwhelming and heart breaking. She hated feeling like this, out of control, no immediate solution at hand. She needed an outlet other than tears, tears to her equalled helplessness, and she hated being helpless. Many women thrived on helplessness and used it as their most powerful weapon to control their world, but she had always detested being reduced to sitting snivelling and red eyed in a corner surrounded by hushed gentleness and cooling hands. She wanted life not helplessness – though she acknowledged that she had cause enough to surrender to the helplessness.

Confused she acknowledged two conflicting urges that flickered through her; would it be better to scream out the frustration she felt in every fibre of her body, or to give in to the fit of hysteric laughter that she felt looming deep within her at the situation in all its absurdity? Momentarily she wondered if she had lost her mind. What was there to laugh about? What would be achieved by screaming other than waking the whole house – and alerting Him to her pitiful situation. But at least both would be doing something, rather than just feeling helpless and alone.

She looked around in her great gloomy hallway, as if to see if she was really as alone as she at the moment felt. Hoping perhaps to spot some sort of proof that the rest of the world hadn't come to an immediate standstill in the wake of the destructive earthquake of fate that had once again shattered her life, making the rubbled ruins of it crash down around her. Her searching eyes found nothing to spark her hope. All that looked back at here where paintings with images of a world that no longer existed. Dusty images in gilded frames of soft golden days of youth, which not even the flickering candlelight, could bring back to life, no great consolation. How she wished that the old panting of her Grand Mama was hanging here above her. Even the stern, cold, condescending gaze of the grand old lady would be preferable to the bleak nothingness.

She – the strong Scarlett O'Hara – who hadn't flinched at what life had previously thrown at her, was completely at her wits end. Neither war, Yankees or reconstruction had been able to lick her, but it seemed that she finally had reached her breaking point.

Her life had been a long fight going back as far as she could remember; her sole focus to gain riches and security, thinking that happiness would come skipping along when those things were in place. She had held on to her concept of a perfect life so long that she had not realised that what she put the highest price on, where naught but illusions. She had fought for this life that she had thought she wanted, fought with all she had to fight with, without realising from where she had derived the strength to keep fighting. She had dismissed loneliness as something to be suffered only temporarily, resorted to drinking to keep it at bay while she waited for it to pass. Believing that at some point in her life, when her goals had been obtained – with a flick of a wand all would fall into place and she would feel happy and secure. Her focus had at all times been set on that elusive goal of the future. She had always looked elsewhere for her happiness and assurance, never pausing to evaluate what she had already obtained and where her single minded path was really taking her. Funny how someone as level-headed as herself, had still been so utterly convinced that an outside force would sort out her life for her. Instead the opposite had happened, largely due to the same narrow-mindedness.

Slowly but surely every cornerstone that had formed the foundation of life as she knew it had been meticulously removed, dissolved into nothingness, making the whole construction unstable, until it had no longer been able to support what was on the top. And now it had all crumbled. Leaving her alone in the broken down remains, a sole survivor.

First her beautiful baby girl had been taken away from her, in one of faiths wicked twists. Like a waft of smoke, her life had been short and fragile, ended by an untimely wave of the unseen puppeteer's hand. And that even at a point in time where she Scarlett had finally had her first taste at what motherly love could feel like. A great treasure had for a second been within her reach, but then just as quickly it had been snatched away before she had time to realise what it was. The unborn child that she had lost had awakened something in her. It was the first small buds of unselfish love for another being and the actual feeling of wanting to be a mother. Something that up till then had been as foreign to her as the Latin language. She had then wanted to throw this new found love at all her other children, but especially her pretty blued eyed girl, in whom she could recognise more of herself than in her older children. The girl she had always appreciated because of her sweet childish beauty, she now saw something else in. But she too had been taken away from her, just like the unborn baby whose face she would never even get to see.

After the loss of her precious Bonnie Blue the resolve to be kinder to Wade and Ella had faded into the back of her mind again. Erased by the bitter and angry words that had been exchanged then between her and her husband. Instead of the comfort she had actually desperately sought but either not known how to ask for or been to scared of rejection to seek, she had turned to him with blame and resentment, banishing him further from her than ever before. That loss alone was heartbreaking.

Secondly, her guardian angel in the human form of Melanie Wilkes had just this night been taken from her. The irony being that this had happened at the exact moment in time where she actually had realised that in Melanie, she had, what perhaps was her only true friend. In a flash of realisation she saw that Melanie hadn't been the cause of all her life's misery; and her presence, which Scarlett had up till then dismissed as nothing but a bothersome burden to be endured, had actually been a precious friendship. Melanie had been an angelically good woman, who had, albeit with a strength very different from Scarlett's own, fought Scarlett's battles along with her for more than a decade. Even staying unwaveringly faithful by her side when so many others had left in the face of malicious rumours. On her deathbed she had provided Scarlett with the key to insight and perhaps even to her own heart. For her last words had been about Scarlett's husband, a plea for Scarlett to take care of him as he loved her dearly. Something Scarlett for the many years of their marriage had failed to notice or at least failed to believe in, but honest Melly she knew spoke always and only the truth, and thus her words were to be believed. And this had pulled a veil from Scarlett's eyes.

That loss had been all the more devastating for this realisation. Like a blind person who had for a second been given the gift of sight, only to be blindfolded, which would make the blindness harder to bear as now she had a definite picture of what her world could look like.

Two major events that had undermined the already fragile foundation of her life even more.

And now this last thing. Bad things it seemed did not happen in pairs but rather came in an unending stream. It was a devastating blow, yet too great to fathom. On this very same evening when she had lost her new found friend and she had finally realised where her heart really lay, her husband had decided that enough was enough. No amount of reasoning, pleading, begging or screaming was going to change that. He had left her high and dry on these very steps that were now serving as her resting place. It tore at her heart. She hated her blindness, hated her quest for determined nothingness and cursed herself for not being able to see the truth. Yet part of her also wanted to put the blame on him, as it was too heavy to carry on her own. However as he had left, this did not bring her the needed comfort. Casting blame on a shadow or a memory did not bring any satisfaction.

So yes she was at her wits end, not seeing a clear path to go by. In all her previous troubles, there had always been an overall easily definable goal – whether it be food or money and the security and social standing the latter brought with them. It had been something concrete to focus her energy and determination on. Enabling her to succeed where others had failed. Using nothing but sheer will power, relying solely on her own resourcefulness. But now, she felt utterly lost? No matter how much dedicated determination she had put into convincing Rhett of her need for him to stay it had not been enough.

She had more than a vague idea of her goal. Though what the goal actually implied was still a bit fussy for her. But she knew what she wanted, and after all that was the most important, for without a goal, how would she be able to direct her effort.

After living year after year with a husband she had married for money, she had realised that she loved him and couldn't live without him. This gloomy night that had ripped (what she now realised was) her dearest friend from her, had brought the realisation that there were and always had been another person in her world that "had her back", and had invisibly helped her in her struggles, Rhett Butler. For Rhett Butler had throughout all of the years since her sixteenth, been a somewhat permanent fixture in her life. For the first many years of their acquaintance "only" as a friend, but later on, at least in the eyes of the world, as a more official protector in the form of a husband. He had been her best friend and at the same time her worst enemy, sometimes kind but also endlessly teasing and tormenting her, most of the time treating her as if she was of little consequence to him.

Now it seemed strange to her that she had never realised this before, as it was now crystal clear to her, she loved him and right in this moment she felt like she would never be able to smile at life again until he was at her side once more. True to her nature she had not investigated the root or questioned the beginning of this love to any great extent. She just accepted it as the most natural thing in the world.

Truth be told, Scarlett O'Hara had never been blessed with much interest in soul searching - she never had had the time nor any pressing need to delve into the inner workings of the human soul. Born as a pampered planters princess the early years of her life had been spent in a fluffy happy bobble where her every need had been attended to by a multitude of slave servants, and all her wishes had been granted with a small flick of a finger or perhaps a dip into her fathers wallet. A life which hadn't required much consideration to other people, despite her mother's best effort to imprint the behaviour and mind set of a true lady on her. An effort that had provided her with a polished varnish but hadn't made any real impact on her in many other ways. Later on the war had forced her to grow up almost over night, ripping her well know world apart, taking away the people she had cared for the most, leaving no time for self discovery. Most of her childhood friends and beaus had been killed in the war, and later on her mother and subsequently her father had died as well. This had left her to deal with the post war struggles on her own, fighting hunger and the tide of rules and regulation in the aftermath of the war, which had meant pushing all thoughts for anything else to a sealed corner of her mind, as it would otherwise threaten to destroy her. This fight was not only on her own behalf but also for the remaining family, a few faithful servants and Melanie Wilkes and Ashley.

Ashley…. Her dream prince, and life long love, who she tonight had realised where only a well preserved figment of her imagination. For most of her adult life Scarlett had cared for two things enough money to say "bugger all" to the rest of the world, and Ashley to accompany her on that journey. Ashley, who had come home from a grand tour of Europe the summer after she had turned fourteen, looking like something out of one of the fairytales that her mother had read out loud on calm evenings in her childhood, where she and her sisters had snuggled up in the comfortable armchairs in her mothers study. He had come up to her on his magnificent horse, blond hair gleaming in the sun, suddenly seeming grown up and unattainable, and easily outshining all the less polished boys of the county which showered her with compliments. Ashley on the other hand had always been somewhat aloof, never being openly smitten with her as her many other beaus, and for this she had loved him. Loved his gentlemanly nature, his worldly wisdom (even his tendency to be enthralled in a world created by words and pages had at the time seemed charming) in addition to this his dashing good looks; in short she loved everything about him, and thus failed to notice that he was just a human being like everybody else with strength and weaknesses. She realised now that, perhaps she had never really known him, or indeed cared to get to know him. She had a finely carved image of him in her mind, which she held close to her heart and used as a deflector for all the disappointments and sadness that had been a constant part of life during the war and in the first hard years after it had ended. Even when life had become easier she still couldn't afford to dismiss this idea of her true love, perhaps unknowingly scared if the loss of another childhood dream would break her, and thus she had held onto it with dear life.

She now understood or at least tried to understand how much the stubborn blindness had cost her. Because in her blindness she had failed to notice that behind her husbands often malicious ways there had been hidden an al consuming love for her, a love that Ashley could never have mustered had he known her the way Rhett did. In fact truth be told, Ashley never really loved her, at least not the real her, just as she had not loved the real him, he had loved his Melanie, and only lusted for her. Or perhaps not even that… perhaps that had been yet another figment of her imagination? Right now she didn't care; she was too consumed with the encompassing sadness of knowing that Rhett had left her. A flickering understanding dawned on her that had she ever understood Ashley she could never have loved him, and had she ever bothered to understand Rhett she would never have lost him, with that not so comforting thought she fell asleep - weary to the bone by the confrontation with all the emotions which had been brought to the surface within the last couple of hours. She was still huddled on the steps of the staircase, that had played such a major part, in shaping her life over the past couple of years, her hooped skirt flowing around her.


	2. Surely not the end?

**A/N. Well, hmmm... what can I say, I guess the keys just wouldn't be left alone. I still am not very sure where I'm going to take this, but it seems like the plot is just forming on its own accord, though I guess that the turn of events so far are not very original!!. So I'll just take it one step at the time. I know my writting can be a bit "long sentenced" at times... but I just don't seem to be able to break that habit, so please bear with me... or come up with suggestions as to how to break this habbit. Well I hope you will still enjoy the story as much as I am enjoying writing it, and I will be happy if you will let me now what you think.**

The night air was warm and balmy; a light breeze carried a sharp sent of salt on it, telling the tale of the ocean being within reach, even if it couldn't be seen from where he stood. He inhaled sharply, letting the refreshing air fill up his lungs, almost tasting the salt in the warm night air. Straining his ears, listening in the night for the rhythmic sound of the waves. He then exhaled deeply and could feel how tension left his body. Home, he was home at last. No matter how long he had been gone, and how unwanted his general appearance might be in this place, Charleston was, and would forever be his home of homes. He held a love for this stubborn city that he himself did not even fully understand. Perhaps it was a love grown out of the deep roots he still held here, despite his best effort to severe them. He looked around him. In the faint night light he could just make out the contours of the beautiful houses around him. Houses that in the harsh light of day would show definite signs of the struggles of the last decade and more, but here sheltered by the darkness they seemed to be whole again. As if no hardship had ever tarnished their stony facades or the people living within the strong unyielding walls. He enjoyed this moment, where he could for one miraculous moment forget all that had taken place over the previous years, and pretend that he was just a young man arriving home after yet another adventure. Not that he had ever really been a young carefree man with a safe family home to return to… His father had seen to that at an early age. Well never mind that was history, and he didn't want anything to spoil this moment of oblivion.

With a sigh and a shudder he picked up his bags, he would have to break this trance of his and enter the house, he could just now spot a bit further down the road, shortly. With reluctant slow steps he proceeded. He didn't knock, hoping it would be to late for his family to be up and about as it was quite late – he had timed his arrival to be sure that it would be to late for a big arrival committee to wait for him. Arriving unannounced of course also helped. He couldn't face their questions at this exact moment. He just wanted to forget, sleep and forget. He didn't care much if he never did wake up again, though he knew that would be quite an unlikely turn of events.

The door opened soundlessly and revealed that the house was indeed asleep. A lonely candled flickered by the light breeze caused by the opening of the door. He smiled lightly, some traditions never faded, briefly remembering his late childhood years where he had snuck out at night, doing God knows what, and arriving home late only to find a small candle of guidance burning for him at his return. Even after he had been sent to the door, he knew that his mother had let I burn for him. The light cast long eerie shadows around the hallway, creating ill shaped shadow monsters that quickly faded away as the flame steadied and spread a more welcoming feeling. Not that he really noticed this small drama playing out in front of him. He was to tired, to numb, to scared by the world right now to notice this small display of magic and wonderment that lurks, mostly hidden and unnoticed in every corner of the world for those who opens their eyes to notice.

He hoped that sleep would come easily, but he doubted it. His entire body hurt as though he had run for miles, instead of just the small walk from the station, which shouldn't be enough to tire a man of his age and constitution. Mentally though he had been running for months perhaps even longer… Running from the images of a blue clad baby girl flying through the air, before finally landing in a twisted immobile heap, from the images of a woman falling endlessly down a never ending staircase, images of the self same woman laughing sardonically at him, her otherwise pretty face twisted into an obscure otherworldly mask taunting him enticing him to come closer and then disappear with a high pitched cackle of laughter whenever he reached for her. He was feeling a fatigue he had never known before, an all encompassing tiredness that threatened to swallow him, a tiredness of the soul. So at this moment in time all he wished for was to sleep.

But sleep wouldn't come as he lay starring unseeingly at the whitewashed ceiling above him. He slowly got out of bed again, sneaking down the beautifully decorated hall, but the beauty went unnoticed by his unseeing eyes, leading down to his father's old study, where he knew he could find some sort of relief.

Clutching the still unopened bottle in one hand and a heavy glass in another he re-entered his bedroom. A bedroom that always stood available for him, just waiting for his, however infrequent, returns. After his last visit he knew that his mother had hoped that next time he would bring not only his child, but also his wife. The old gossips of Charleston's society were probably busy gossiping about the fact that his wife of several years had never been properly introduced, even though she was of good family.

He settled into one of the high backed armchairs, his feet resting lazily on the designated footrest. To the outside observer he would look like an ordinary man just enjoying a silent night cap, but on his inside everything was a mess. His heart in shattered ruins and his mind a chaotic mess.

For once he felt like his wife's everlasting mantra of "I'll think about it tomorrow" actually had some justice. He couldn't help feeling a small upwards pull at the corner of his mouth by this thought – perhaps there was still hope for him.

He took a large sip, feeling the golden liquid pass down is throat, spreading warmth and life through his entire body. He gave a small sigh. Almost startled by the sudden sound in the almost eerily silent house.

One glass, two glasses. And still no rest came to him. Instead it became harder and harder to suppress the memories and images that kept trying to pop their ugly head out of the swirling maelstrom that was his mind.

She had said she loved him, tonight of all nights. When he had at last thrown his towel in the ring and decided that there was no more for him in their life together. Uttering those words that he had longed to hear for so long had meant nothing to him. Irony of destiny he thought with a faint smile that didn't reach his eyes.

His mind set free by the liberal amount of alcohol was wandering unhindered over the memories that he usually managed to suppress, memories of the green eyed vixen that had had such a great impact on his life. Before meeting her he had been a content adventurer, with no place to call his, no place to lay his hat, or his heart for that matter. But al that had changed a warm summer day, when the world was still a beautiful place that hadn't been scarred by war and the loss that always followed in the wake of this most visible display of the faults in the nature of the human race - its lust for dominion and destruction.

That day when the war had actually started, his own personal war had started as well. A war against himself and the feelings that had erupted out of nowhere, feelings that he had prior to that date dismissed as something only weak people experienced, as a means to survive in a world to harsh for them to handle otherwise. He had then seen love as a security blanket, an illusion – how safe he had been without the knowledge of what was also a definite part of love – loss and the fear of rejection. He had felt lust before, and had enjoyed women from the many places he had visited through his years of exploring the globe and challenging the way of life that his father had wanted to force down his throat. But never love…. Love., what a strange thing. How could one person feel so strongly for another person after just one glance or indeed at all. The person who invented the damned concept deserved to be hanged! How could something so irrational, unexplainable and illogical as love play such a great role in the history of man. It didn't make sense to him then, and he hadn't come much closer to grasp the concept of love now more than 12 years later. He just knew that this love had influenced his life in a way that he could never have foreseen.

If he back then had know how much hurt this love would bring with it, would he then have turned away, and never attended that blasted barbecue? Most likely not! First of all, he probably would not have believed that he would in fact fall in love, that he was capable of doing something so utterly out of character as falling in love after just one glance, one brief encounter; secondly, would her really wish to have lived his whole life without knowing what love felt like. For even if there had been mostly sorrow and heartache (at least recently), there had also been precious moment of infinite tenderness that he would not be without, no matter how much the rest hurt. And Bonnie, without this love he would never have experienced the love he felt toward his precious girl, though right at this moment he couldn't come to an agreement whether this was good or bad. That loss still hurt far, far too much.

He turned over the images of his first encounter with the young Scarlett O'Hara in his mind. First, a quick glance at her as she climbed up the grand staircase that had been a prominent feature of that grand house, she had somehow already then seemed more alive to him than most. And therefore caught his attention as she by that fact alone stood out in the sea of young beautiful girls clad in yards of silks and muslins. Later that day she had been the focal point of attention for most of the young men present. Like a colourful bird on display in a sea of browns and greys. And as most animals on display she hadn't been happy even though to the unskilled observer it would seem like she had everything in the world that she could wish for. But he, Rhett, had developed keener observational powers and had deducted that the reason for her ill disguised sadness was the only young man who weren't constantly giving her attention and paying her compliments. This had been confirmed in the final encounter of the day, where he had witnessed her showing all pretence of being a lady to the bone aside, and thrown herself at that very same gentleman. Mr Ashley Wilkes. Oh that had been the final attack at his heart, though he didn't realise it immediately. How could one resist a girl who showed such temperament and fire despite her polished exterior? He had been sure then that she held in her great passion that just waited to be unleashed! How he dreamed of being the one to do exactly that. Back then he hadn't recognised the feelings he felt as love, he only new that he had met his match in a way he hadn't ever before.

During the war he had wormed himself into her life, by tempting and tormenting her, yet allowing her to explore parts of herself that had before been suppressed by her mother's careful layers of varnish. And he hadn't been disappointed. When exactly he had acknowledged that he was actually in love with her, he couldn't quite pinpoint, it had been more of a gradual revelation. Her worming her way into his heart and every thought just like he had wormed himself into being a constant part of her life.

Once the realisation had dawned on him that he had fallen completely in love with her, he had started his running. He had been running from her for years, trying with every grain of willpower available to him forget her, before finally allowing himself to commit to her and ask – no trap her - into marrying him. Oh how sweet her lips had been on that evening. When he sought her out he had at first had no intention of asking her to marry him. But her scared frailty had moved him, and he had convinced her by dangling his immense wealth in front of her nose and showing her that there could be more to a man's kisses than a dry peck on the lips. He was sure she had never been kissed that way before. He had at that moment felt hope that she could actually grow to love him and not keep on being besotted with that stuffy righteous, to good for his own good Ashley Wilkes. She had responded in a way he had not expected, and thus he had been lead to reveal more of his true feelings for her with that kiss than he had initially intended, leaving with that kiss a little bit of his soul in her possession. Luckily or perhaps not so, she had ,daft as she could sometimes be, not realised this tremendous gift, and thus he had gone back to passionate, but somewhat disengaged kisses after they had married.

Other images fluttered through his mind, but the alcohol had after all had its effect and he weren't able to hold any of those glimpses from his previous life long enough to process them. Only one thought overshadowed the others - he had never in all their time succeeded in making her forget Ashley Wilkes, and for that he could not forgive her or himself, that had apparently only happened when he no longer cared.

With a shake of the head he brought himself back to present days and the miserable situation that was his life. How utterly comic that he Rhett Butler was finally a broken man. He who had been so strong, challenged the world since his young years, and mocked everything that other people held dear, was bent, broken, defeated… left to his own destruction.

He had left her because he saw no other way out of this whole sorry mess, he had no energy left in him to fight. No hopes to fight for. All that was beautiful in the world had been killed. She said she loved him, but how could she love him when she didn't know what love was. He rightfully didn't know if he loved her anymore. He hadn't lied when he had told her that there was nothing left for her but kindness and pity. But could there ever be more? His mind was blank when he had tried getting an answer to that question on his long lonely train ride from Atlanta to Charleston. Had he seen in himself just a small reflection of the love he used to harbour, then perhaps he would have stayed. Had he truly believed her capable of healings his hurts, he might have given his heart the benefit of the doubt. But he didn't and thus he had left.

He needed to find space and clean air, where he could breathe freely once again. Let his mind and body heal from the mental and physical abuse it had been subjected to for the last many months.

How he longed for a simple happy life…


	3. Ashes to Ashes

**A/N I feel inspired what can I say, words begging to be let out. And I really hope you enjoy this. If you haven't been put completely of so far, please continue on with the story... Also thanks to the people who has so far taken the time to give me feedback, it is nice to know that somebody is actually reading and liking the story so far...**

It was a beautiful morning, the sky was bright and blue, the rain of the previous day had washed the dust out of the air leaving it refreshened and crystal clear. In a far away yard a rooster started its morning chanting, soon causing others to join in, for a few minutes disturbing the quiet peacefulness of the morning with a disharmonious symphony. Just as suddenly as the noice had started peace was restored. And the silence that belongs to night almost regained its dominion. Except for the odd rooster who had had a lie in but still felt like saying their loud goodmorning to the world.

In the large house at the end of Peachtree Street this signalled the start of the day and people were starting to stir in the servants quarters getting ready for the day ahead. Cook started banging around with her pots and pans, surprisingly agile, her large frame taken into consideration. The rest of the servant started their daily chores like any other day. For it was an ordinary day, then yet again, maybe it wasn't. On the first floor in the master bedroom the light sleep of the mistress of the house was disturbed by the distant sound of life beginning to stir. For a few seconds, in the state just in between sleeping and being awake, no memories of the past days burdened Scarlett's relaxed face and she stretched her arms luxuriously. Mid stretch the moment passed, and reality hit her, her arms frozen in an awkward mid stretch position. A pained expression marring her beautiful face. She knew that shortly she would have to get out of the bed, though right in that second she felt like never leaving the bed again. The bed that right now felt like the only safe and comforting place in the world. She clamped her eyes shut, and pressed her head hard into the soft pillow as if to block out all thoughts of the day to come.

However Scarlett being who she was would not give in to such ninny headed actions no matter how desolate and alone she felt on the inside. Tomorrow was another day with plenty of times for breakdowns, but today had to be endured. Today was the day she had dreaded, yet longed to get over and done with since that fateful evening when Melanie Wilkes, her dear Melly, had died. This was the day of the funeral. She didn't know if it had been two or ten days since the goodbye to her only frien, it had felt like forever.

She squinted her eyes open, how unfair for it to be such a beautiful day, when a thunderstorm would have been more fitting to her mood. At least if it had been pouring down, she could let her tears run freely without admitting the extend of her sorrow to the rest of the city and especially its old pea hens. She clamped her eyes shut again.

She had had no intention of getting herself involved in the arrangement of the sad event itself, but all the rest of the sour faced people that had been Melly's acquaintances and friends had been too consumed with their own grief too get anything done. And since she wanted to make Melly's last celebration worthy of the grand lady herself, she had once again had to push back the tide of emotions that threatened to crush her, roll up her sleeves and get to work. In a way it had been a relief, because it gave her an excuse not to look to far into her own mind.

Luckily she didn't have to give much consideration to what she was wearing today. Any black dress would do. And black dresses she had in the plenty. She felt sick at the mere thought. Why had society decided that grief is better expressed or more sincerely felt if one wears black? She knew that even the gayest pink dress would not alter the deep sense of loss that she felt today. But she didn't want to cause a scandal, especially not today, so she would adhere to the dress code determined by society.

It was still early but she wanted to arrive at the church in good time. Suellen and Will would arrive from Tara this very morning along with many of the other remaining people in the county. All of them wanting to pay their last respect to Ashley Wilkes wife – they had all known and respected her too. How she had hoped that Rhett would be there to help her through this day.

But he had left to not come back on the evening of Melanie's death. He was probably in Charleston right now, dining happily at his mothers table she thought with a huff. No, that wasn't fair, Rhett if any, had fully appreciated Melanie and was devastated by her passing away...

She quickly pushed any thought of Rhett to a sheltered corner of her mind, not wanting to deal with that loss in addition to the loss of Melanie on this day. It was bad enough that this was the first time since Bonnie's funeral that she had to set foot in the church. She clenched her jaw – stop it, stop it, stop it. I will not give those old gossiping grumps the satisfaction of seeing me broken.

-- """" --

As they approached the church she felt her steps slowing down, almost to a standstill. She held on more tightly to Wills left arm, and briefly looked up at his grave drawn face. A look that was reflected on Suellen's face at his right side had she cared to look. They too remembered the last time they had been in this church. How sad to lay such a young child to rest, and how equally sad now to be back again, saying goodbye to yet another person who was far to young to leave the land of the living. The church could have told tales of numerous other tales of sadness and loss, had the old stone had the ability to talk. But even without words, sorrow and despair today seemed to seep from every stone of the high speared building, or so she imagined. She felt a shiver through her body, how could people come to a place like this for comfort? She didn't understand. Even weddings that was a cause of celebration, was only a sure way to misery and loneliness– at least in her experience. So how people could fool themselves into believing that it was a happy even was beyond her.

At the top of the stairway, the massive old oak doors were opened wide, swallowing the endless stream of mourners pair by pair. The church room was decorated with only a discrete set of black bows as was fitting for a lady's funeral. However in addition to this, and what immediately caught Scarlett's attention was the sickly sweet smell of flowers that hit her nostrils as she approached the entrance. She caught her breath. The broad aisle had been almost blocked by the vast number of bouquets and elaborate flower arrangements that the mourners had bought to celebrate Mrs Wilkes last memory. She surely had been a special lady to make people deviate from the normal proper ceremony for a lady's last goodbye. Making a path of flowers from the church door to the Alter, all the way at the other end of the large church, where Melanie rested. A tasteful decoration of yellow orchids rested on the top of the small coffin, two broad ribbons flowing over the edge, making a connection with the coloured sea of flowers. The sight and smell was almost enough to finish of her resolution not to let the immense sadness that she felt show. She swallowed hard and felt Will flinch as her fingers dug into his arm.

As they sat down into the wooden church benches, she felt a slight shift in the atmosphere of the church room. She turned her head slightly and almost fainted. There in the doorway, for the first time in his life looking insecure and out of place stood Rhett. How strange how she had always been able to sense when he entered a room. She had never given this much consideration before, but now she understood that it was the unrecognised bond of love that had tied her to him that had alerted her to his presence. Their eyes met for a brief second, dead dark eyes meeting sorrowful green ones, and he came to her and sat down next to her on the narrow church bench.

He didn't touch her or talk to her, but his mere presence comforted her. She sincerely hoped that her presence did the same for him.

The priest started his sermon, but the words that was meant to bring comfort didn't reach her ears. When the organist struck the first chord, her strong resolution dissolved as the melancholic tune spread out it's wings and filled out the high ceiling church room. And the tears started flowing in a slow stream.

Later on outside as they stood around the grave, awaiting the priests final words, she felt Rhett's hand at her back, a silent comfort. How good it felt. Her tears had stopped. Instead she felt a tight knot in the pit of her stomach, she felt like screaming out her sorrow, like some banshee out of a horror story. Not that Scarlett herself put this word on the feeling as she had never heard the word banshee, she just felt that the quickest way to get rid of this hurtful sorrow would be to shout it out loud.

Inside the church, she hadn't focused on anybody else after the unexpected appearance of Rhett. But now here eyes went over the huddled rank of mourners. They were all there, Atlantas old guard, for once not busy spreading malicious rumours about her. She also spotted the far to few people who were left of the important families she remembered spending her childhood with, the people of Clayton County. There was also some unknown or only vaguely familiar faces – Melanie's family from Macon or wherever. Finally she spotted Ashley, though she could hardly recognise him. She didn't understand how she until a few days ago had seen this man as the centre of her universe. He was grey and gaunt, his ill fitted clothes hanging loosely on his far to lean frame. His formerly golden hair had overnight faded to a grim grey, Not one thing was left of the golden dream boy that she had loved for so long. Had she not known it was the same man she would probably not have recognised him, so altered was his appearance even since her last seeing him at the night of Melanie's death. Or maybe, the change had been gradual, and she had just been too blinded by her love and his empty words to see it.

No, that wasn't entirely fair; Ashley weren't the one to bear the blame for her mindless obsession. Poor sod he looked so completely and utterly lost. He stood flanked by Pittypat and Henry Hamilton on one side, India Wilkes and her long married sister Honey on the other. Beau Wilkes was the only child present, Still only a young boy, but with a look of wisdom far beyond his years on his small face. He like her own son Wade had been through so much in their short lives that it seemed incomprehensibly unfair that he should suffer even more through the loss of his dear mother. She promised herself that she would do anything in her power to fulfil her promise to Melanie and make sure that Beau would never lack anything; at least not anything that money could buy.

She felt Rhett tense by her side, and felt a cold breeze hit her back where his hands had formerly rested. She tried sneaking a peek at him to see what had caused this altered attitude, followed his line of vision, and concluded that he like her had spotted the bereaved husband amongst the mourners.

-- """" --

What was he doing here? he had continuously asked himself that question on the train ride back to Atlanta. How brief his time away had been. For the first day or two, he had successfully avoided both his sister and his mother, except for a brief hello on his first morning which couldn't be avoided. Otherwise he had spent his day out of the house. He had no clear idea as to what exactly he had been doing, he only knew that it had involve an impressive amount of alcohol. Which it didn't require a doctor's degree to say wasn't healthy for anyone and least of all him who had come quite close to living at the bottom of a liquor bottle for the past many months. Time was blurred even before his arrival in Charleston. He knew that he had to stop this self destructive behaviour but he still hadn't had the strength.

On the third morning, or so he thought, as he had once again tried to slip unnoticed out of the house, his sister had cornered him. Dear Rosemary who always worried so about him. She herself a widow of the war had moved in with his mother after its ending, and they now lived together in a peaceful union. Rosemary had coaxed him into joining the breakfast table and the questions had started pouring down on him almost immediately. Why had he come alone again? Why had he arrived like a thief in the night, avoiding them both? And most importantly, why had he left Atlanta when all propriety demanded that he attended the funeral of his wife's almost sister. His head had jerked up at the mention of Melanie, how had the news of her death travelled this far so fast. On an on they bombarded him, perhaps not realising how much pain their questions caused him, and how big an effort it would require on his part to give an incomplete answer to even one of their many question.

In order to stop this avalanche of questions he had agreed to go back to Atlanta for the funeral. He knew that he could have avoided going if he really hadn't wanted to go. But a faint curiosity as to how Scarlett was handling all of this were lurking somewhere in the depths of his mind, and thus he had went.

Finding himself once more in the city he had thought not to return to for an indefinite length of time. Next to the woman he had left only days ago, with no thought of seeing again until his body and soul had healed enough to handle another round in the ring with this hot headed wife of his.

Strangely enough he had found great comfort in sharing these moments with her; none of them had uttered a word yet, for which he was immensely thankful. Communication had never been their strong point.

He felt his body stiffen as he spotted Ashley Wilkes in the crowd of black clad mourners and automatically withdrew his hand from Scarlett's back. How strange he hadn't even noticed he had placed it there. At this exact moment he didn't feel any of his normal antipathy against the man. Either he was to numb to feel anything, or perhaps he could all to easily identify himself with the broken look that Ashley had about him. What a sad lot they all were.

-- """" --

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust… and then the unforgiving thuds of dirt hitting the wooden lid of the coffin. For a moment the whole black clad crowd held their breath. This was truly the final goodbye to a fine and very special woman. Nobody felt like being the first to break the silence, so they all stood there for a lengthy moment, stony faces as well as red eyed ones.


	4. Mirror Images!

**A/N well, here is another update from me. I don't know if I should take more time to work through the different sections before uploading them. Do they seem to raw/unfinished?? (please let me know if you think so) But at the moment I just feel like getting the content down on "paper" and leave any finetuning ironing out bumps in the language later on to some time when I'm stuck story wise. On the other hand I don't want to have the story ruined by to hurried a dialogue etc... It's difficult ;)**

**Yadayada yada... I will stop now and leave you to the story. I hope you will enjoy, and that the conversation seems believable and true to the characters, their current state taken into consideration**

The carriage moved slowly through the packed streets of Atlanta. The noise of the city was only a distant rumbling, as the plush covered sides of the carriage blocked out most of the sound. Will and Suellen had just been let of at the train depot, Will having to get back to Tara on the same day as they arrived or he would otherwise miss another day of sowing.

It had originally been the plan for Suellen to stay on in Atlanta, going back to Tara with Scarlett who had planned to leave the day after the funeral. Scarlett really hadn't looked forward to spend any time alone with Suellen as they always ended up at each others throats, but somehow it had seemed a far better alternative than spending yet another night alone, except for the servants, at that great monstrosity of a house that she had so far called her home. But Will who could sometimes be almost scarily perceptive, had without much fuss changed his wife's plans, sensing that all was not right between Scarlett and Rhett, and that it would probably be better for them to be left to their own devices. Suellen had put up a sour face, as she had looked forward to the rare treat of spending a few luxurious hours going through the shops of Atlanta, even if she didn't have any money to spend. But se had relented without to much ado, silenced by a stern glance from Will.

So here they were, finally alone. Yet uncharacteristically none of them had said even one word. Scarlett looked up, her eyes clearly posing the questions that her lips had not spoken.

Would he stay?

She tried to find the courage to speak out the words that were printed on the forefront her mind, but she wanted to hold on to the illusion of a normal marriage a little bit longer. And therefore uncharacteristically she chose the cowards way of silence.

--""""--

They entered the house still in silence, with her leading the way. She noticed how Rhett paused for several second in the doorway as if he weren't sure whether it was wise for him to enter the gloomy house. The house that in his mind bore a striking resemblance to what he thought Hell would look and feel like - had he believed in its existence. Finally with a great mental effort he entered.

At the foot of the stairs Rhett gave a short bow goodnight, and continued up the staircase alone. Scarlett didn't know whether to laugh or to cry, she didn't think she could face yet another rejection from his side, but also she could not bear the thought of an evening alone, without knowledge of what the next day would bring.

At that moment she couldn't take it any more. Her fear of being alone was stronger than her fear of rejection.

"Rhett, are you going to stay?"

She almost scared herself, so shrill did her voice sound after the long silence. He turned slowly, and for the first time she really noticed how tired and worn he looked. The night of Melly's death she had been to preoccupied with the discovery of her love for him to really see him, but right at this moment she noticed how changed he looked. Not only his physical appearance, but his whole attitude and bearing, told the story of a man in decline. A man deprived of all hope for the future. Even one as non perceptive as Scarlett could easily read the story of ruin and decay in the deep lines of his face. His formerly muscular frame and strong handsome build had been ruined, by lack of sleep in combination with the consumption of liberal amounts of alcohol. His muscular build had seemingly been dragged down by gravity, and now hung like an unshapely belt around his waist. His cheeks were hollow, and sharp lines were edged around the corners of his mouth. His formerly erect stance had deteriorated into a sagging posture which only served to underline the utter ruin of this formerly handsome man. She longed to reach out to him but didn't know how to comfort him in his almost tangible grief, or if he would reject her comfort as he had rejected her love.

At that thought she erected herself ever so slightly, oh she wouldn't show him how much his rejection had hurt her, as always her pride was her greatest pillar of comfort in desperate times, however lonely and hollow it might make her feel later on.

He sighed audibly

"Scarlett, I sincerely hoped we wouldn't have to go through this again" A quiet finality in his words, but sensing it would not be enough he continued.

"I came for Melly, because that was the only right thing to do; nothing has changed since our last talk. I cannot stay, No! I will not stay" His voice was as tired as his whole appearance.

Her face fell visibly though she desperately tried to not let her disappointment show. She hadn't counted on him staying but still hearing him say it out loud hit her right in her vulnerable heart.

Rhett registered the emotions sweeping over her face and for a split second he considered staying. She had been through so much this brave strong confident woman standing now before him as frail as she had never seen her before. How much more could she take? Even the strongest person had a breaking point. He himself was living proof of that. He had always considered himself as beyond breaking, but he had also thought himself incapable of falling in love, and that had been proven an erroneous assumption.

He took a moment to take in her appearance. Her black dress made her seem almost unbelievable pale, at least he hoped it was the dress, as it could otherwise be a sign that her health had suffered like his had. She had dark circles under her eyes which she had somewhat skilfully covered up with a discrete dap of powder, which would have perhaps fooled anyone less familiar with her face than he.

But the worst part was her eyes. Her eyes that were normally so full of life and could sparkle with joy like those of no one else he knew, was now dull and dead. She, who until now to him had seemed as though untouched by time, was also starting to show faint age lines around the eyes, and by the corner of her mouth. And when she was wearing a frown as she did at this precise moment, clear lines marred her brow as well.

To be quite honest he didn't know if this was a new development, or if she had looked this tired for a long time. For the past many months he hadn't really seen her though they had lived in the same house, sitting at the same dinner table. His vision of her had been blurred by the fogs of alcohol and the all consuming bitterness he had felt towards her for not loving him, for blaming him for Bonnies death, when he had needed nothing but comfort, and countless other "misdeads" of hers that had prevented him from really seeing her. He had become so used to seeing her as some coldblooded monster who had no feelings and consideration for others, that he had forgot that she had lived the same hell as him, and had probably been as greatly scarred by the recent events as he had. So even if he still didn't believe her capable of much selfless consideration for others, he must at least admit that she had feelings that had been hurt greatly by the recent losses, and perhaps also by the regime of punishment that he had subjected her to for not being the wife he had imagined he could turn her into.

"I didn't beg you to stay, I simply asked if you were going to" she said trying to sound aloof, as though it didn't matter to her whether he did stay or not. A shrillness to her voice however gave her away.

She took a deep breath trying to dam the tide of emotions that threatened to overflow her defence but failed.

"But oh Rhett, why did you come back if you are only going to leave straight away again" – her voice quivered dangerously.

"Don't you see how hard all of this is to me? I want to understand but I just can't"

If she hadn't been on the verge of tears she would probably have stamped her foot in her normal display of anger. But the day had been too emotional for her, and she didn't have the energy to turn the sadness to anger as she normally did as a means of survival.

"I'm not asking you to love me, I'm not asking for forgiveness or your presence her forever, I just can't stand the thought of being here alone" She was on the brink of hysteria now and continued her uncontrollable rambling

"I can't stand this house, I can't stand that I have to wear black for yet another person taken away from me, I can't stand…." the rest of her tirade was muffled by the sobs that she could no longer hold back.

"Scarlett, stop it you hear me"

"Stop it" – She must be even more knackered than he had thought in order to loose control over herself to such an extent and show such uncharacteristic behaviour.

He grabbed hold of her shoulders and shook her quite forcibly, in order for her to snap out of her current state of hysteric despair. He knew that no matter how much she hurt in this moment, she would hate him and herself for seeing her in such a state, once she had recovered.

"stop it" he repeated a bit more gentle, as he could sense that she was a bit more relaxed.

"Listen to me carefully" he lifted her chin and looked her in the eyes, oh how much it still hurt him to see her hurt in such a way. He wished he could do something to ease and lessen her pain, but knew it to be impossible. His heart ached far to much for him to see how he could be of any comfort to anybody, let alone this woman standing before him who where such a great part of his current misery.

"I cannot, and will not stay" – she pulled back slightly.

"I still meant every word I said to you the other night, staying would mean my utter destruction, and I will not let that happen." Not even for you my dear he added in his head.

"I need to find my own two feet again, and I cannot do that in this place where I'm constantly haunted by the very images that I am trying to digest" he continued in a flat voice.

"I will stay tonight, tomorrow we can have breakfast together – then I will take you to the train station and you go back to Tara as was the original plan"

He could hear how empty, disengaged and devoid of feelings his words sounded. But he too was raw and tired out from the passings of the last months, and so, not able to provide her with any real comfort. He needed to get away, needed to find some peace and quiet which would enable him to sort out his mind. Even now he could feel the atmosphere of the house closing in on him, suffocating whatever life he had left in him.

He felt the urge to take her into his arms and give her the comfort she so desperately needed and which every fibre in her body begged him to provide her with. He wouldn't allow himself to give in to that urge, he knew that if he did, he might not be able to leave her, and he had to do that. Even if he would regret it later. For contrary to what he had said and believed the other day he, tonight, had to admit to himself that he still cared for her. Cared for her beyond the two meagre emotions of kindness and pity, that he had claimed was all that was left of his love for her. How much he didn't know, and now was definitely not the time or the place to investigate.

--""""--


	5. Finding Solace

**A/N well, here we go with another update. It is strange how sometimes you think that you are going to write one thing and then the next you discover you have written something completely different. I Also find it quite amazing how a story can slowly spring to life from a blank nothingness. When I posted the first chapter I honestly had no ID if I would be able to continue, but here we are at the fifth installment, and it is actually quite enjoyable to write.**

**I've read this chapter through several times, but I feel that sometimes you can stare yourself blind at your own words, so that you don't really read what has been written but only your predefined image of what ought to be written. So if you find any "mishaps" please let me know. And of course if you have other feedback that might help my writing, good or bad points I will greatly appreciate it.**

It was with a sense of deja vu that he boarded the train too Charleston that morning after having waved good bye to Scarlett. His second train ride to his childhood home town in only a few short days. Only difference was that this time he didn't come as a thief in the night. And he hadn't left his wife staring blankly into midair in the house of horrors. Though he weren't sure that this last bit was an improvement as he had now recognised some of his own sadness in her, and had been forced to admit to himself that the mental image he had painted of her as a cold hearted wrench were perhaps not completely fair to her.

The train slowly edged its way out of the city, keeping a steady pace before being able to give full steam once the last cluster of Atlanta homes had been passed.

Dadum, dadum, the rhythmic banging of the metal wheels on their steel tracks had a soothing effect on him, and he settled down into his comfortable first class seat in a private compartment. Staring unseeingly out on the countryside fluttering past.

His thoughts fluttered back to the night before where he had come frightfully close to letting Scarlett melt his resolve to go away. It was frightening how little she had to do to get her way with him, though to be fair to her, she hadn't done it in her normal manipulative way. But simply with the sheer honesty of her grief and loneliness.

He lit a cigar, and stared blankly at the uneven smoke rings that appeared as he exhaled. He let his gaze follow the billowing blue smoke as it slowly dissolved and disappeared. He cautiously pulled the question of his feelings for Scarlett out from the corner of his mind where he had hid it away last night, finding it to difficult and dangerous to spend too much time on this when she was so close. Sleeping only feet away in her bedroom just next to his, he had pushed the thought away then but thought it unwisely to do so any longer.

No matter how difficult and painful it might be he needed to clarify to himself, if it was at all possible, what he still felt for that stubborn wife of his.

--""""--

As she disembarked the train she almost immediately caught sight of Will resting against one of the station building's scaffolding poles. He hadn't yet noticed her, and stood with a vacant far away glance, in deep thought, eyes focused on nothing particular. His narrow arms in their loosely fitted shirt sleeves hung limply down his sides, fingers resting lightly on his trouser pockets.

Will was one of the few people that she truly respected, and therefore never even tried to bully or bend to her ideas. Some people in the county still stuck their noses up at him, and thought that Suellen had married beneath her by accepting Will's offer, but Scarlett and most of the old Planter families had accepted him as their own kind. She didn't know much of his background; he hadn't had a gentleman's upbringing nor had he led a pampered life before the war. But he was honest, had strong moral fibre, and treated those around him with heartfelt kindness which made him worthy of respect. In addition he loved the land, her land, almost as much as herself, which to Scarlett was the biggest plus in his book.

She waved at him, and his eyes jerked back in to focus, a slow smile spreading across his weather worn face. She couldn't help smile back again, a smile that for the first time in a long while reached her eyes. How good it felt to be back!

As they drove of from the station she felt life slowly returning to her. Jonesboro was busy rebuilding itself, and the hustle and bustle around the station, told the tale of a thriving city that was not only regaining its pre-war status and expanding beyond it. The air was almost vibrating with the energy and it was this energy that added to her life force. Scarlett loved initiative and progress, thrived on it, so it was natural for her to immediately draw strength from it, after having been through so much loss and despair as she recently had. She leaned back in her seat contentedly a hint of a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. Right in this moment the world did not seam as bleak as it had only minutes before. Perhaps all was not lost?

With that thought on her mind she dove into conversation with Will, eager to learn of the news of the County.

As they approached Tara she tensed up a little bit again, and fell silent. She most often felt a bit disappointed at seeing the state of her childhood home for the first few second after a long absence from Tara. Always forgetting that it was no longer the white washed palazzio that her imagination made it out to be. Not that she didn't appreciate Will's stubborn adherence to making the place rentable, but it was just so far away from that place that had been her fathers pride and joy.

She unknowingly held her breath as they took the final bend of the road before being able to view the whole house. Will cast her a sideways glance and chuckled silently – for once he knew she wouldn't be disappointed.

She let out her breath in an audible gasp and clapped her hand to her mouth.

"Oh Will, it looks amazing, however did you manage." She asked raising an eyebrow quizzically.

All her worries had been whisked away by the sight of her beautiful childhood home. Not perhaps restored to its full former glory, but a far cry better than the last time she had seen it. Especially on a day like this where the autumn sun spread its golden glow over the stately building. The white house bore signs of having recently been painted, and that it was generally cared for. Never an architectural beauty or a well planned building at all, it still held on to a quiet charm which could probably be contributed to the effort of its former mistress.

"We had a good harvest, and Jonesboro is full of people that will take a day's job when properly paid." He shifted the straw he chewed to his other cheek, and couldn't hide the smile that crept over his face like the slowly incoming water at flood.

He was happy that for once she hadn't been disappointed at the sight of her childhood home. He for one understood exactly how much that place meant to her.

"And also" – He continued in his slow drawl

"the money you contribute us with as your share of the expenses help us a great deal. You know I don't like it, but I must admit I am grateful, it sure feels good to be able to keep the place in a state that it deserves"

He paused for a moment, turning his head and meeting her eyes to underline the sincerity of his words.

"Thank you for that Scarlett"

"Fiddle dee dee Will" – She responded, almost batting her lashes in an automatic revert to her flirting Southern Belle habits that had been an ingrained part of her for so long. She didn't want the conversation to turn to serious.

"It is me who should do the thanking" she continued

"I own one third of this place – so it is only fair that I should cover my share of the cost" She could never express the full extent of her gratitude to this whetherworn man sitting next to her, who had been such a key player in keeping the plantation from totalt destruction, and the field from reverting to a state of complete unruled forest.

"I reap my share of the profit as well, don't I?" – She added with a playful smile to stop him from adding anything else on the matter.

They both knew full well that the money she each month sent Suellen and Will at Tara, was much more than her share of the expenditures to keep Tara running.

--""""--

It was only as she jumped of the wagon that she remembered that she had forgotten to ask Will whether Wade and Ella had arrived safely from Marietta where she had left them with Prissy when she had to rush home for Melly. Dear Melly – she didn't want to have her homecoming spoiled by the thought of sweet Melanie alone in her cold grave and thus did as she did best and pushed the thought away.

Luckily the high pitched voices of her two remaining children interrupted her train of thoughts. Well they seemed safe enough, and so she also banished the slight twinge of guilt she had felt just a moment before when she had remembered how she had left Wade and Ella behind.

"Come give mother a kiss"

She kneeled down and opened her arms to them in a gesture of unfamiliar fondness. Wade approached warily not knowing whether to trust this display of affection. Also, as a boy of almost 12 years, he didn't feel that it was quite right for him to hang on to his mother skirt, but the temptation was to big and he allowed himself a quick hug, stepping back watching Ella enviously, throwing herself in their mothers arms, sobbing openly. The little girl had already lost her father; all she had left of him were a blurred mental image of a red haired blotched face leaning over her crib as a very young child. Now she had lost her dearest aunt Melanie who always had had a kind word and a smile for her. All she had left was her Mother and so she clung to her tightly.

Scarlett looked over her two younger kids, and Rhetts words flashed through her mind "A cat would be a better mother than you", were he right? Was she really worth little more in that department than a feline female that let its youngsters find their own way in the world. She bristled at the thought. She had provided for them, clad them in clothes that were far better than their friends, given them a beautiful roof over their heads, fancy toys and food enough to ensure that they would never grow hungry, in short all the security that money could buy.

She was annoyed at herself for not being able to suppress the nagging feeling of guilt completely even with those thoughts. Deep down she knew that the only thing they had lacked were her undivided attention and her love.

Poor kids she thought as she looked at them a bit closer, they too looked a bit lost and forlorn. They too had lost… first their sister, and now their aunt Melly, who had always been so kind to them. Still unknown to them were the third loss, the loss of Rhett, the closest thing to a father they had ever known.

Wade looked like his real father, Charles Hamilton, brown soft eyes, and a general air of mildness and kindness to him, how he looked like Melanie as well – the only thing she didn't see was a resemblance to her. She sincerely hoped that there were some steel to be found beneath the soft exterior. Ella, her little girl, the only little girl she had left. Didn't look anything like her either, what a shame she took after her father as well. Round face, reddish brown hair and a red tone to her skin, that would blotch up every time she shed even one tear – Scarlett thought with a hint of contempt – which was far too often. Scarlett wondered if she would ever find and recognise any part of herself in this girl as well. Or were both her kids only living, spiting proof of the loss of the only child that had been truly hers on the outside as well as on the inside.

With an effort Scarlett blocked this most unwelcoming train of thoughts, and to compensate she put on a weak fake smile, and made a resolve to treat her two remaining children with more care and feel. It wasn't their fault that they didn't take after her, in a flash of recognition she thought that perhaps if she spent more time with them, she might influence them to become the sort of people she could enjoy having around her.

The smile on her face deepened slightly and became a genuine smile.

Looking around her she took in the rest of the people gathered for her welcome, Will and Suellens two girls, one almost the same age as Ella. There was Pork and Dilcey, and a little behind them stood Mammy. Dearest Mammy she longed for some time alone with her, but knew that it had to wait for later. She didn't want to spill the beans of her failed marriage in front of everybody, and she knew that she would not be able to hold back her emotions if she let her guards down even a little bit for Mammy's sake. She weren't even sure that she would tell Mammy all of the current state of misery that was her life – mostly she just needed a warm embrace from the old Negro woman that had been a part of her life for so long.

--""""--

Having said her hello's to the rest of the family, with an effort managing not to snap at Suellen, she entered the house and quickly made her excuses and retired to her room.

As she sat down on her bed she felt the numbing tiredness, which had been her constant companion lately, overwhelm her again after having been releaved by the exitement of finally coming home. How nice it had been to feel alive again for even a couple of hours. She had been so right in coming to Tara. If she were to heal her hurts she knew that this was the place. If she had been prone to superstituous beliefs she would have sworn that the red earth of Tara held some sort of Magic regenerative power.

She went over the events of the morning, she and Rhett had had a surprisingly enjoyable breakfast where she for a few moments had been able to lull herself into the belief that everything was alright between them. Kind words and polite conversation. All too soon it had been over and a hazy goodbye on the platform had followed, she had felt like screaming out her anguish for all the world to hear, begging him to stay, pleading him to stay. But she had managed not to. Only her eyes sending out the silent request.

As he had helped her onboard the train he had gently leaned in and given her a soft peck on the check. She unconsciously lifted her hand to that spot giving herself a light caress, as if by touching the place his lips had touched she would be able to touch him.

She shook her head at her own silly notion. What a frightful ninny headed goose she was turning into. Next thing she would start fainting round the clock like old miss Pittypat, and Mammy would definitely scold her if she knew that she was acting like a silly teenage girl.

Her train of thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the door, the door opened and Mammy entered carrying a tray laden with small treats for her.

"look my chile, look wha' Mammy brought for you, something sweet to cheer ya' up" Mammy paused, and her old eyes swept scrutinizingly over Scarletts face

"Ma poor chile, wha' sis wrong with ya'? Her voice filled with concern she had never seen her dear Scarlett looking like this before.

"come now you kow thou can tell ol' Mammy everything" She carefully placed the heavy tray on the bedside table and dropped as gently as possible down next to Scarlett on the bed. The springs heaving audibly under her heavy weight.

At first Scarlett was silent, simply enjoying the closeness of the old woman sitting next to her, and she leaned her head on the broad should next to her, wallowing in the smell of her childhood. Slowly her mouth started moving and words formed as if on their own according, melting together into sentences, that again wound together telling the story of the misery and loneliness that had filled her up over the last weeks and months.

"…. I miss her… I miss her so; I never even knew how much she meant to me until it was to late and now she is gone…"

"….And now he has gone as well and I don't know what to do"

"why Mammy, why did all this have to happen to me?" Her voice high pitched as a child screaming at the unfairness of the world.

She didn't know for how long she had been speaking or what exactly she had revealed to her old nursemaid, she just felt how every word had helped loosen the knot that had sagged her down. Mammy's wrinkled old hands kept stroking her back in a soothing motion, but she didn't make any comments to Scarletts story just let the words flow like an infection flows from an infested wound. Letting it all out would be the best cure for her Scarlett.


	6. On the road to redemption

**A/N I hope some of you are still hanging on, I quite like this chapter myself and hope you will as well. I like trying to get into the heads of the two main charachters, especially Rhett... You will have to tell me if I am successfull :P Well, enough with this, and good reading...**

It had been the most refreshing night's sleep that Scarlett O'Hara had enjoyed in a while. Being back in the bed of her youth had worked a magic like nothing else, that probably in combination with the relief of finally letting out her grief in both words and tears in the arms of Mammy. The old woman had held her and shushed her, gently patting her back, and somehow along the way she had drifted of to sleep.

The only place she could have found more comfort where in the arms of Rhett, how she missed those strong arms, but that wasn't to be at least not today… So she pushed the thought away before it could wipe out the slight sparkle of live that she felt this morning, a simple joie de vivre just because she was alive and here at Tara at last.

Apart from comfort she had found a glimpse of hope in Mammy's arms. Mammy, who saw her as she was, and had lived her hell with her, had said that she knew that Rhett still loved her. Not in so direct words perhaps. But at least something that in Scarlett's mind could be translated into a belief that she would someday have Rhett back and be allowed to be happy, and that was all she needed this very morning.

She promised herself that this day would be good; she had planned to go on a long ride around the property, enjoying the fresh air and freedom of being in the country. Which would bring the added bonus of not being around Suellen, how that girl deserved a good smack around the head. Scarlett simply did not understand how.

Today she felt like she would actually be able to get out of bed without having to use every ounce of mental power to enable the process. Helping her one the way was definitely also the smell of freshly ground coffee that slowly spread throughout the house.

--""""--

Mist swirled at the banks of the slowly drifting river, the rhythmic thud of the horses hoof on the soft ground was the only sound that wasn't a natural part of the scenery, and soon they died away as well as he reined in the horse, letting it fall into a slow walk. The day was getting warmer, but not yet so stingingly hot and humid that being outside was unbearable, even when dressed as he was in what was prescribed for a gentleman of polite society.

He leaned forward and patted the horse' sweaty neck. It had been a hard ride. He had left his mothers house in the city in the very early hours of the morning after another restless night. He had tried finding peace with his normal cure for insomnia – large quantities of burning liquor – but for once the golden fairy hadn't been his friend. So he thought that physical activity might help him better, also he had needed to go up to the Landing. Dunmore Landing, the plantation that should rightfully have been his parental heritage, but this heritage had been forfeited when his name was erased from the family bible. Thus he had had to buy it back from the grasps of greedy loan sharks after his dear brother had mortgaged it beyond redemption to prevent it from being sold on to some newly rich Yankee newcomer. That thought was unbearable. Luckily his pockets and bank accounts were still full, in stark contrast to the feeling of emptiness that in all other aspects of life where his most poignant companion.

The days since his last arrival back into Charleston had not been kind on Rhett Butler, and hadn't helped him any further along the path to peace of mind.

Scarlett had been on his mind as he had left Atlanta, and she had been a constant fixture there ever since. Not that it had made him any wiser, he grudgingly had to admit. He had come no closer to solve the equation that was his feelings for that green eyed vixen.

Rosemary and his Mother had been rather surprised at seeing him back so soon, they had hoped that whatever trouble he was in would have been fixed by his going back to attend Melanie Wilkes funeral. Knowing how hot headed Rhett had always been, and sensing that Scarlett were no modest mouse either they had thought it only a passing thunderstorm between the two. Now they realised it clearly wasn't as simple as that, sensing a much deeper hurt beyond even that of loosing a child, and had therefore smothered him with concern. Shifting between casting him worried glances and raising their eyebrows at each other, so he did not know whether to feel like a naughty school boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar or a convalescence recovering from a life threatening disease. Not exactly what he needed. He had felt an uncanny urge to scream at them, to keep their noses out of his affairs and just leave him alone with his misery. Funny, how he felt the urge to adopt the behaviour of the cause of his destruction. He had however managed to hold his tongue. He knew that it would serve no purpose, other than hurting two of the people he knew that least deserved hurt.

His mother and sister had both suffered so much during the war. His sister loosing not only one but two husbands to the war, and a daughter in addition. His mother had suffered greatly as well, a husband lost, a grand daughter, her former life of wealth and respectability, living the life of paupers for many years, until he had been able to help them after his fathers death. Where his other sibling, his brother, were in all of this he didn't know nor cared much for. Most likely drinking up or gambling away what little remained of his inheritance, the family fortune, in a sleazy bar somewhere, only sobering up once in a while to pay his down trodden wife a visit. Drinking seemed to be a genuine fault in the men of the Butler clan, or perhaps it was only the circumstances that made it seem so.

He shrugged and brought the horse to a standstill, for a second enjoying the stillness and the beauty of the surroundings. How many times he had been standing here, looking eagerly over the waters of the river waiting for the world to arrive; only he had not known what exactly it was that he wished it to bring. Though it was unlikely to be the mess that he currently found himself in.

He didn't want to move any further just now, wanting to cling on to the memories of life as it was for just a few seconds longer. Not that it had been a particularly happy life, his father being utterly disappointed in him whatever he had done, but he had known great joys and had great adventures back then. And one important thing, he had had hope. Hope for the future and what might be lurking for him in every new day, now he only had sadness and regret for what had brought him to this unbearable standstill in his life. He wondered what that boy he had been would have to say to him now in this moment had he been able to see what a cynical lonely man he would eventually become.

He knew that in a second the horse would start fidgeting and grow restless beneath him and he would give into its request and move around this last stretch of land, and the Landing would be revealed to him.

It was the first time that he actually set foot out here in more than perhaps two decades, he considered it for a moment, this might be why he had all these flashes from his childhood, and the glory days of his youth before he had been sent to the door and shunned from the land like an unwanted parasite. He had been so young then, not that he regretted the actions that lead to his dismissal from the family, he had acted in the only way he could, given the circumstances, but he would always regret the effect it had had on the family members that were left behind.

He dreaded and longed for this place at one time. Dreading for what he might see, how miserable a state was the place indeed in? But also longing for this place where his roots ran deepest. He had a slight nostalgic feeling that whispered to him, that perhaps by fixing the ruined family plantation he might also be able to fix the parts of himself that were currently broken.

At the very least it would put an end to some of the unhealthy relationship he had with the decanter. Hopefully more… he needed something to put his focus and energy into, and he thought that restoring Dunmore Landing to some of its former glory was quite a worthy cause. He gave a short laugh, that almost startled the horse, at that thought… what was it with him and hopeless causes.

'Come on old boy let's get a move on' - he spoke gently to the horse as he softly nudged it onwards. The horse all too eager to comply went into a spirited trot. Rhett smiled to himself at the feeling of the eager horse beneath him ready to obey his every request. 'Easy now, we want to take it slow' Once again steadying the horses pace. He wanted to take his time to compare his pre-war image of the place with its current state.

Passing out of the small plantation he rounded the last bend of the path that had hid the Landing from his view he unconsciously held his breath. He felt like he was moving on two time planes at one time. With one part of his mind seeing and sensing the place as he remembered it, and with the other seeing and taking in what his present surroundings was.

The alleyway leading up to the carriage turn was no longer groomed to perfection, but the straight line of trees still told the story of former glory and meticulous care. The house build of white stone imported from Cornwall by his forefathers who had first settled on this piece of land, which in the old days had lain as a white pearl on a backdrop of green, the large park spreading around it, were now faded to a dullish grey. As he came closer he could see that only the façade and part of the right wing were left, behind the other windows the blue sky and flecks of green were revealing that the roof had caved in. Probably due to a fire, but as he had been away he would never truly know how the house had come to its current desolate state, which saddened him immensely. He had tried gathering information beforehand, but everybody had been reluctant to update. His brother was to far gone in the fogs of alcohol to remember anything much, and his mother and sister had not set foot on the land since sometime in the early years of reconstruction.

The state of the house was at once better and worse than he had expected. At least there was still something left to rebuild from and not just a scorched patch of land. Yet it hurt him immensely to see the ruin of this place where he had once been happy and where people for decades before his birth had lived and breathed their sorrows and happiness.

He slid of the horse, and tied it to what remained of the water post. The water post had once been the resting place for many a tired horse, belonging to the gentlemen of the neighbourhood that had passed in and out of the house as part of the daily hustle and bustle that had been life before the war. He remembered Juno, the small negro boy that had probably been the last of the many stable boys that had performed the job of keeping the horses from getting into a clinch, with its next door neighbour, over who should have the first sip of water. If he closed is eyes, he was sure he would be able to hear the small boys shrill voice as he chided the horses. Well, today it wasn't needed, as his were the only animal that were likely to turn up here.

Having tied the horse up properly Rhett walked up to the door that was funnily enough still hanging on to its hinges, though the glass ornaments that had decorated the door were long shattered.

He pushed it open, curious to see what the actual state of the house was on the inside.

As he entered the remains of the formerly grand house he felt as he had been magically transported into a different world. Nature had partly reclaimed some of the house, with brave green leafed plants sneaking out from small cracks in the walls and floors, a vine were creeping in from the backside where the servants entrance had once been, entwining what was left of the rail on the master staircase that was a signature on the design of houses from that era. Sweeping staircases and high ceilinged rooms with large windows – the perfect place for display of the ungodly wealth and splendour that had been the order of the day. Old leaves and inches of dust was covering the floor, light being softly dispersed over the weatherworn furniture that hadn't been crushed when the roof had given in. The ruins to his left bore clear sod marks on them, indicating that a fire had played some part of the house's ruin. To his left, gloom reigned, where the building was still complete. Light crept through the partly empty window panes, but the glass shards that were still in place broke it in odd ways creating a strange atmosphere. He entered the first room, which once had been the drawing room, a place for gaiety and social gatherings, now only mice and other rodents enjoyed the perfect architecture of the room.

He withdrew himself, having seen enough for one day, he would have plenty of time to explore later, and now at least he had seen for himself what was left of that once so beautiful place. On that note he went outside again and slowly walked to the other side of the house, letting his fingers softly follow the line of the house as if to apologise to the building, promising to make amends.

The garden was almost reverted to its former jungle like state, his mothers greeneries were shattered glass houses, no longer did they house any gently nurtured plants from strange places around the globe. The Dunmore Landing park had been famous for its exotic plants and beautifully outlaid landscape, it had been like a miniature world of its own, catering for every taste and every possible activity of leisure that the masters of the house and their guests might want to indulge in. Behind the shrubberies at the far end of the garden had been where the slave quarter were, hid from the view of the inhabitants of the big house. As a dirty secret known to all, but still not put on display – even if some of the former slaves had been in some ways seen as lesser members of the families. That was probably one thing he wouldn't have to worry about rebuilding.

How he looked forward to getting his hands dirty with the restoration of the building and the surroundings. It would be hard work, and would definitely take up a long time, but he relished in that thought. It would bring some purpose to his life, a healthy occupation, he thought with a half smile.

In that moment he felt hope again, hope that perhaps he would here find the solace and tranquillity he so desperately needed. In the rebuilding of his ancestors home, he hoped he could also regain himself. A man with a mission was much less likely to wander round empty streets seeking comfort at the bottom of brandy bottle.

He stopped for a moment considering the irony that he, only a few days ago had recoiled from the thought of a different restoration project, the restoration of his marriage and his heart. Insisting that he didn't like mending broken things, and now he was determined to pour his very soul into a different restoration project. He didn't care to examine this coincidence that very moment, and thought with a shrug that he would have plenty of time for examining his mind during the many hours he would spend at this place.

--""""--


	7. Sorting the mess?

**A/N First, thank to those who have taken the time to review, it really means a lot to get you feedback. Secondly - well, here it is the next chapter in my little tale... I hope you like it. I'm not really surre about the end. But I tried out different things... and well, I'm still not sure it is it... but for now at least, it is as good as it guess. Please read and tell me what you think :)**

The wind rustled Scarlett's hair as she let the horse into a spirited canter. She bent her head backwards and laughed out loud. How she had come to enjoy her morning rides. Especially on golden mornings like today where she had been able to sneak out without first being submitted to Mammy's scrutinizing stares, and thus been able to get out without being too formally dressed and with her hair hanging down her back, in a thick dark hair braided into a loosely done plait.

The wind stung her eyes and made them watery, but she didn't mind. In these moments she felt truly alive.

For the first weeks her early morning rides had been a bothersome obligation she had subjected herself to. More than anything her only way of getting out of Suellen's hair; other than resorting, of course, to be staying cooped up in her room for most of the day, which wasn't something that Scarlett enjoyed very much. But gradually she had felt a great sense of freedom and liberation, from the sorry mess that was her life, whenever she got up on the horse and trailed the old forgotten paths around the lands of Tara which she had used to frequent in her carefree youth by her fathers side. Her morning rides had just as gradually changed from half hour stints just up and down the alley leading from the main road to the house, to long trips that would sometimes keep her away from the house for several hours.

She knew that Mammy and maybe Suellen as well disapproved her racking around on her own, the one worried about her safety while the other perhaps was more concerned with what the neighbours would think, but she had been firm on this, and no plea or tantrum had willed her to bring a companion on her trips.

In the beginning she had been haunted by images of Bonnie being thrown by her little pony, reliving those horrid moments with every step the horse took, and she had been trudging along in a steady pace, but gradually she had overcome her fear and found her old spirit and her pace had picked up. Remembering just how much she had loved riding, before the experience was marred by the frightening thoughts of her father and youngest daughter's fatal falls. She even contemplated jumping, but so far it had been restricted to only jumping the odd small puddle and branch on her way.

Scarlett had come to realise that these hours alone were also quite good to sort out her mind, not that it was something she enjoyed doing very much. Lately though, so much had happened, that the effort to always keep the bad thoughts stored away for tomorrow was simply to much, to an extent that she felt like she would burst if she didn't put some sort of order in the unruly chaos of her mind. So Scarlett looked back. Perhaps the most courageous thing she had ever done.

She looked at each memory as a piece of a puzzle, some where old and dusty from being stored away for so long, others were fresh and the image they inflicted on her could almost make her scream, so vivid and filled with hurt were they. Those she hurriedly packed away again, knowing full well that they were still there in the box needing to be fitted in with the rest of the pieces, but the pain was still to raw for them to be seen clearly.

Scarlett found that she could now remember her parents without the overwhelming sense of loss and abandonment that had normally followed even the briefest mentioning of them.

She could see them as they had been in her youth, she could relive her childhood without feeling like screaming due to the simple unfairness that she had lost them both before she had been able or ready to let go. What surprised her the most was that her mother had lost some of the angelic glow that had always until now permeated every part of any image and thought of Ellen O'Hara.

She now saw clearly that her mother, saint like though she had been in behaviour had not been truly happy and therefore perhaps not the mother she could have been. She had been shaped by her life to be perhaps too concerned with outer polish to allow for differences in nature, wanting to fit them all into the mould she had been formed by. Scarlett also had the nagging awareness that Ellen had been too engrossed in her own inner sadness to be fully present for her children, even if she had loved them all dearly. Scarlett came to the conclusion, that if you live your life detached, it is much easier to appear the saint like, than if you throw yourself wholeheartedly into life. With shame she realised, that even if she hadn't been as skilled at putting up a bright façade as her Mother, she had at least in some areas of her life been in part guilty of doing the same, by living for the memory of Ashley instead of embracing the life that she had chosen by marrying Rhett.

She also saw the dent in her parents perfect marriage, that had been build by fondness and polite consideration instead of a burning love. Even if her father had loved her mother so much that her departure had led him to loose himself in the oblivion of a time before the world went askew.

She grasped at the understanding, that what her father had loved was not the real women, Ellen, but merely the pretty always well groomed shell. And that left her wonder if her mother and father had ever lain in the cosy darkness telling tales of their day, enjoying a companiable hour of understanding, like she had with Rhett in the early days of their marriage, or had it merely been a polite contract with one the admirer and the other the admired without any real interaction. She knew that her father had been capable of love, since he had always showered her and her sisters with fatherly love. But the love a man holds for his wife ought to be more alive than the affection a father has for his offspring.

One question that kept bothering her was whether her father had really seen Ellen as clearly as she had come to realise Rhett had seen her, with all her faults and shortcomings and still loved her. Loved her, not in spite of those, but because of them. Or had her father only seen her Mother as a perfect trophy, the icing on his cake and loved her because of that – he had always been so proud of his gentle beautiful wife and felt blessed that she had consented to marry him - and would he have loved her if he had really seen her?

She thought back to a thing that Rhett had once said to her about Melanie, that it was the unfairness of the world that it took so little to satisfy those who where good and naive. She had felt a pang of pity for his father and anger towards her mother but had decided to let it go, as her father had seemed happy with his life, and she also hoped that Ellen had found a quiet happiness in her life with her father, if not true love.

It sadden her to understand these things about her parents, but Scarlett also in a way felt that it was liberating as it made it easier for her to come to terms with the way her own life had turned out, and how far away from the path of perfection her parents had seen for her it had deviated.

Deviations not only made out of a strong sense of rebellion to Ellen and Gerald's beliefs, but out of pure necessity in order to survive in a world that had change faster than a blink of an eye.

The memory of her parents also lead to thoughts about her sister, her children and her interaction with the other people she would think of with love or fondness. Several prominent figures dominated that part of the puzzle. Ashley, Mammy, Melly… And Rhett.

Rhett took up so many of the pieces in her mind puzzle that a whole box was probably taken up by him and the memories of their time together. She had looked at many of them, but had not analyzed what she had seen too close. It hurt too much.

A few of the images were happy and filled with warmth and Scarlett kept those close to her heart, a cherished piece of a life she wished to gain. The enjoyment of these happy moments were tainted though, and always lead her to think of the ones that was right next to it that weren't happy or gay. For most of the images where twisted and ugly, filled with hurt and venom that ripped at heart, so that she wondered how she could love this man who had been a major part of this. And she recoiled from looking at those, feeling that it would destroy her. Though at the same time knowing, that if she didn't she could never find her redemption and gain the happiness and forgiveness that she so desperately wanted..

Despite all the hurt and torment she saw, one thing never wavered, and that was her faith in her love for Rhett, she knew like nothing she had ever known before, that she would never be fully alive, or feel complete and whole without him in her life. This was one man she could never stop loving, even if she didn't understand where this love came from, and how it had come to burn so steadily.

Sometimes she hated him for making her feel this way, she didn't thing she had been this dependent on another person since she had left her mothers womb and taken her first breath of the air around her. And she hated feeling weak, with nothing to help cure the weakness.

Mostly however she missed him greatly.

And she spent hours on end plotting out ways to get him back. But none seemed real and thus she stayed on at Tara.

Scarlett reined in the horse, and patted its neck. "Good boy, good thing your mind is staying right on this path or heaven knows where we would have ended up".

She shook her head. Whenever had she turned in to such a wool gathering daydreamer – even if the train of thoughts that had just engrossed her hadn't been particularly happy or fluffy! She had been so deep in though that she hadn't realised where the horse had taken her and for how long she had been gone.

She squinted her eyes and looked up at the sun.

It had been a golden autumn so far, long lazy warm day following one another. And the heat that she felt pouring down from the blazing sun, told her that it was time to go home "or Mammy will have my head" she spoke the words aloud to no one in particular. The horse turned its ear to acknowledge her words. There was no one else around.

--""""--

As she handed the reins for the groom she had appointed to take care of her horse she looked up and saw through the parlour window the rest of the family sitting down in peaceful unison around the lunch table. She felt a twang in her heart. As she looked at the cosy setting Scarlett wondered why she that had always been able to trap any mans attention where struggling so with the simple interaction of other people, and she felt the familiar sense of loneliness that almost always had been her constant companion in the company of other people. Looking over the images of her mind, another realisation had been that she had never really known true friendship, except perhaps in part with Rhett and to some extent with Melly. But the first had almost always been tarnished at least a little bit with the undertones of what wasn't said between them of held back feelings and disappointments. The latter had not been a real friendship. At least not in the true sense of the word, because, all her dealings with Melly, until almost the very end, had been influenced by a hidden agenda of her wish to gain Ashley for herself. She had tried to redeem herself to Ella and Wade, but she didn't know how to talk to them, and so most of the time she failed. Suellen was always so tense and bitter around her to such an extent, that it bristled Scarlett to no end with the unfairness of the all. Hadn't she provided Suellen with the material means to survive during the final hours of the war and ever since? Even when she came with peace offerings, a snide comment from Sue would make her temperament flare and they would end up arguing the same old argument. Well she thought as she climbed the steps to the porch surrounding the house, she would make more of an effort. At least it would be something to put her energy into while figuring out how to get Rhett back.


	8. Going Ons in Charleston

**A/N - Well another update from me - hope you will enjoy it**

"Will you pass me the Salt, please Rhett" Eleanor interrupted her eldest son's train of thoughts with a hint of a smile on her lips. – She had enjoyed witnessing the physical transformation that her son had undergone over the last couple of months. Like a magician flicking his wand undoing an ugly dead, so Rhett had risen from the disgraceful state of bodily ruin that she had found him in on her doorstep when he had returned to Charleston - a broken man finally defeated by what life had thrown him. Like Phoenix from the flame along with their once beautiful plantation main house. It made her happy – though she knew that his hurt where far from healed and ran much deeper than the lines of his still careworn face. And it saddened her that she could do nothing to help him with his hurt, she wanted to pick him up and stroke his hair like she had done when he had been a little boy – she guessed that a mother could never truly put away this sense of urge to shield her offspring from hurt and harm – but now he was a grown man and his hurt would not be healed by a stroke of his her and a softly planted kiss, at least not from her. If he would confide in her she knew it would help him – but she wouldn't press him knowing how proud and self reliant he was and always had been.

In the rebuilding of the landing Rhett had truly found his saviour, with each stone that was resurrected of the old home a little bit of the strain on his mind had been relieved. With the physical and mental demands that were put on him from the large reconstruction job he had undertaken, Rhett did not have much time to reflect on his hurt and sorrow at least during the day and most nights he fell into an exhausted dreamless sleep.

"So how is the work progressing?" his mother asked – pushing her sombre thoughts aside.

"When will you take Rosemary and I to see the reconstruction work" She continued. And as Rhett didn't answer: "You know how much I'm looking forward to it"

"Yes Rhett – do let us come" Rosemary put in with a pleading voice and a mischievous smile on her lips.

"Well" Rhett put on a charming smile "I want it to be just right for you"

"Can't have my to favourite ladies sleeping on the bare floors now can I"

"But you know what" He continued on the spur of the moment – for some reason wanting the Landing to himself just a while longer, but also seeing the justness and the rightness in them wanting to see their old home again. They had after all both spend a lot more time there than he ever had and loved the place dearly. "We can revive an old tradition and have a New Years ball out there – Would you like that?"

"Just one condition – you cannot see the place before then" He added with a half smile, a sardonic glint in his eyes that luckily were missed by the two ladies present. How many of those New Years ball had he actually been present at – not many thanks to his Father's rigid rule.

"Oh how exiting Rhett, that would be lovely…."

"But are you quite sure that everything will be all right and ready to receive visitors so soon… a mere months away"

"Don't you worry your pretty heads about that – just start planning"

"I know that is something you will both enjoy very much" He chuckled.

"Just like old time" Rhett's mother said with a grimace somewhere in between a happy grin and a sad frown. She knew how much it hurt Rhett that he had been banished from his home for all those years, even if he had never mentioned it to her.

"It will be splendid" Rhett leaned over to pat his mothers hand, a small smile playing at the edge of his mouth "though not to splendid I promise" he added knowing full well how fragile a balance it was to restore and rebuild what had been destroyed without being stamped as vulgar and money on display types facing ostracism. Especially for someone like him, where all of Charleston knew – even if was never mentioned as the stories were not fitting in the parlours of polite society – that he had profited greatly from the demise of their beloved South. To top it up he had been blacklisted from the very society he now wished to join for almost two decades – no there definitely weren't any room for missteps. And if not for his own sake for his Mother and sister – he would do anything in the world not to do any thing that could reflect badly on those two ladies that he held close to his heart. Many things had changed in the years after the war, and though perhaps some rules had been relented a little, some were stuck to more rigidly – and it would benefit none if he rubbed the stench (or the stash more like it) of his betrayal into the noses of the Old Guard that were the pillars of Charleston Society. He knew how unforgiving they could be.

--""""--

With a sigh Rhett dropped into the high backed leather chair in his fathers old study – ironically this was where he felt most at home. He stretched leisurely and placed his feet on the matching foot rest. All the furniture in this room had been imported from England by his grandfather – and though the room was a bit more sparsely decorated than it had been before the war – the atmosphere had been retained. The chunky old leather furniture had been spared the plundering that even still inhabited house has been subjected to in the final days of the war, most likely not flashy or glinting enough to attract the eyes of a magpie Yankee soldier on a raid.

After their dinner he immediately had taken his chance and retreated to his hidden hub in here. He loved to take quite moments in the undisturbed atmosphere that reigned in this room. Walls covered by bookcases – that even if they didn't hold the valuable volumes that it had previously held still had enough to satisfy even the most dedicated book lovers appetite. Now in addition large plans of architectural sketches and reconstruction plans covered one wall, serving as a temporary head quarter for his effort to restore The Landing.

His mother and sister had already been fully engrossed in their elaborate – but not to elaborate – plans for the upcoming party. Though he loved his mother and sister dearly, an evening filled with chatter of whether to go with a silvery or burgundy theme and if it would be to out there to order a new dress for the occasion, where to much, even for him. So he had retired pledging fatigue and left them to their own devices.

He held up his glass and swirled the liquid within, admiring the golden and amber tones that changed and danced as the light of the fire burning in the finely decorated fireplace was caught in it.

He had cut back on his drinking to a more moderate level, not feeling the overwhelming urge to be numbed from head to toe every second of every hour of every day as strongly anymore. The physical effort of restoring the plantation and the gratification of seeing the old place revert to its former glory had helped with that, by giving his life some sort of of purpose and direction. However he still enjoyed his evening drinks, especially on an evening like this where he knew that the thoughts would not be held back.

He didn't fully understand why he had suggested the New Years party to Rosemary and his Mother. He didn't really feel like socialising a great deal at the moment and had spent most of his nights cooped up at Dunmore for this reason as well, where he didn't have to take into consideration anybody's needs but his own, and where he could be as quirky and moody as he liked without hurting anyone since the only people that were around was the workers he had hired for the reconstruction job, and those he always treated fairly no matter how much he felt like raging at the rest of the world. More to the point, they all went home to their temporary lodgings that had been put up close to where the old slave quarters had been – not that there was any connection to the situation of those who had resided there then and the situation of their liberated counterparts that now worked and lived at the place – and left him to his own devises. All that would hear any yelling he might have felt like doing would be the old owl that resided in one of the still abandoned rooms of the main building where the aggressive workers had not purged the place from unwanted residents.

Well now the party was going to be – even if it would be a dreadful night he would not dream of going back on his newly made promise. Heck it might even be good for him to be forced to act civilised to people outside his family. And it was still a while away, perhaps he would feel better then.

Even as he thought that, he knew it wasn't going to be. He would probably feel this dreadful and miserable for the rest of his life even if time would dull the pain. Even if his exterior had reverted to a state resembling more closely his formerly handsome self, with muscles, not a sagging growing belly, straining the fabric of his shirt and pants, his interior was still as messy as the day he had left Atlanta.

He hung his head.

Why couldn't he rid himself of the blasted thoughts of all the misery he had tried to leave behind?

A memory of another night flashed to his mind. A memory, of him standing behind his wife, squeezing her temples lightly yet unrelenting in a desperate attempt to purge her mind of unwanted thoughts of another man.

He downed the contents of the glass, in a desperate attempt to prove himself wrong, and force himself to forget. How easy it would be for him if he could just wipe blank his mental slate and start afresh.

He laughed mockingly – the self contempt clear in his eyes – as he caught his own reflection in the silver decanter. He had had this conversation with himself many times over the last months, again and again turning over the question in his mind – why couldn't he forget? Why couldn't he forget when that was what he so desperately wanted to do.

It was of no use, oblivion wasn't for him – and if he was completely honest would he really want to?

He carefully opened the lid to the box of dangerous memories that were hidden away in a corner of his mind normally well out of his reach. Now he let the memories spill over him. Flashing images of a dark haired girl, laughing up at him with bright blue eyes… Giving his stubbled cheek an innocent peck… Running wild in search for adventure in a secret garden he had brought her to on their lonesome travel… Eyes round and wide in anticipation of his next word as he would tell her a story of his years of roaming the world… A little girl sitting in her mothers lap in a preserved moment of rare family idyll and tranquillity… Other memories displaying other scenes from a life that somehow seemed to belong to someone else… Finally her lying in a broken heap twisted, as a rag doll, into an all too unnatural position that clearly stated that something was fundamentally wrong. Interwoven with these were images of another black haired girl – or woman were perhaps more fitting to call her… Glinting green eyes smiling at him… teasing him… Storming at him with uncontrolled hurt… A stolen dance with her smiling trustingly at him after he had let her to abandon the path of propriety she had formerly strived to adhere to(how sweet it had been to hold her in his arms)… A screaming face spewing anger and shattered dreams… A mischievous smile on a beautiful face, as she plotted her next scheme to reach richness or something else of her hearts desire… Her head resting on a pillow, dark her flowing around her, her face for once relaxed into an innocent expression, his finger slowly tracing the relaxed structures of her cheek and jaw… Emerald green eyes burning with passion begging him to release her, from what she knew not, a dark evening where he had been engrossed in jealousy… Dreamy eyes that looked not for him but for a golden knight in a far away time… And his normally ever so controlled facial expressions and annoyingly blank eyes, showed a multitude of feelings not only of misery and heartbreak, but also of joy and happiness if only for a fleeting second before he regained control.

He let out an audible sigh, and combed his hand through his unruly hair, as if straitening his outward appearance would calm his storming interior.

His little black box of dangerous memories did not only contain the heart wrenching images of hurt and loss, but also some that were beautiful and tender and called out to him, begging to be remembered more often. He didn't know which he were the most afraid of remembering or which had made him run the fastest out of Atlanta.

The few sleepless nights he had spent after starting the reconstruction of the landing had mostly been due to the odd memory that had slipped out of this little black box and crawled to the forefront of his mind where it would not be ignored. Trying desperately to get him to answer the question that had been present on his mind, when he had left Atlanta the day after Melanie's funeral and he still was reluctant to contemplate.

Did he or didn't he still harbour any feelings for his tempestuous wife in his poor scorched heart?

And even if he did, did he have the courage or the ability to open his heart to another tour de force with life at its fullest.

He therefore both feared any love he might have and at the same time hoped that something were still left, and because of this ambiguous emotion did not really care to find out.

Feared it because it meant that he again could be so easily enslaved by her eyes that always told him clearly what was going on in her fascinating little mind. And if she then suddenly lost this new found love she claimed to harbour for him where that would leave him he knew not. He was afraid that he would not be able to come out of it alive once more.

At the same time he hoped it, because he knew for certain that he would never again find a woman like her that could challenge him, drive him insanely mad but at the same time have the power to make him want to shower her with tender love and affection and loose himself in the passion that he had found himself able to ignite in her.

So admitting that he loved her again, or perhaps still loved her would either lead to blissful happiness or complete destruction, a cross road he didn't feel like exploring anytime soon.

In a way he knew, even if he weren't ready to put it into as much as a conscious thought let a lone an outspoken word, that he still loved her or at the very least still cared for her beyond disengaged friendship. His whole being called out to this amazing creature that had spell bound him a sunny afternoon a lifetime ago. But he didn't want it to be true… He didn't want it to be like that, and so he pleaded ignorance.

He got up with an angry jolt and refilled his glass.

He knew what he had to do, he had to see her again. It was as simple yet complicated as that.

To prove to himself that she did not mean anything to him, or that whatever she meant to him, was something that he could live quite happily without he had to see her again. It was the only way.

But he did not want her to know that he wanted to see her. No! That would just give her the wrong idea, and if she still held on to the notion that he was her new found love, it would be to hard to just see her and let her go – especially if she would profess this love for him in such sincere terms.

He suspected that in his less numbed and desolate state, it would be harder to turn away from her than it had been in Atlanta. And remembering his last goodbye to her he acknowledged that it had been hard enough then.

So he thought that the best idea were for him to see her under circumstances where he was in control, and could claim that she was the imposer.

That meant that going to Tara was definitely out of the question… and he had no intention of going back to Atlanta. The mere thought of that suffocating, monstrous, dark and gloomy house sent shivers down his spine. Though he would normally always claim that he did not have a superstitious bone in his body that place definitely haunted him… No Atlanta was definitely out of the question as he doubted very much that he could set up a chance encounter at Belle Watlings place – the only place in the Godforsaken city that didn't repulse him completely. He chuckled at the thought. What a fun absurd scene it would be, the abandoned wife meeting up with her estranged husband in the mistress' love nest by mere coincidence. Not likely!

That or Bonnie's grave – but his little girls resting place were his private alter of sorrow, and in no way a place he felt would benefit from a battle between himself and the girls mother.

No he would have to come up with something else. Preferably it would be right here on his own home turf in Charleston. Well a public meeting in Charleston would be just the thing, and his newly developed plan of a New Years party would be the perfect occasion. Why not find some way to include her in the guest list for the New Years ball?

Perhaps he could get his mother to in some round about way to get Scarlett's two sour faced aunts that as far as he knew still resided here in the city to invite her? He knew that his mother beneath her soft exterior had a mind of steel that could bend lesser creatures to her ideas. And he felt sure that she would be able to accomplish Scarlett being invited through her aunts without giving cause to more gossip about him and his strangely missing wife than were already going on. He felt very confident in his mother's manipulative abilities.

And knowing Scarlett she would never miss an opportunity to attend a grand party. Especially not when she knew it was hosted by his family.

That would definitely disguise any resemblance of him having any immediate want to ser her.

He smiled at himself, quite proud with his little scheme. He was sure that had this plot been directed at anybody else and had Scarlett been in on the joke, she would have been proud of him too.


	9. A Letter

"Scarlett – there is a letter for you" Suellen's voice cut through the room. "it's from Charleston" She added with a malicious glint in her eye as she handed Scarlett the cream coloured envelope, mixed with something else that Scarlett could only interpret as pity. How dared Suellen feel pity for her, Scarlett. She hated being pitied, and even more so by her little sister for whom she had always held a slight contempt, due to her whiney whinging ways and always felt superior to.

Well, she would think of it later, not wanting to ruin the morning, and also remembering her promise to herself to be nicer to Suellen. But Suellen always made it so hard for her with her annoying ways that had a special way of getting under Scarlett's skin.

Scarlett never realised that part of having sisters is that they can be your best friend, but as they also know you best, they will always instinctively be able to find your sorest spots. In Suellen and Scarlett's case it had just always only been the negative side of sisterhood that had dominated.

Now wasn't the time for deeper reflection.

Scarlett turned over the letter and felt her heart leap. The letter was indeed from Charleston – she felt her heart racing and her cheeks flushing. Could it really be from Rhett?

She cast a stolen look around the room to see if anybody realised how flustered she felt, she caught Suellens eye and saw the undisguised curiosity there.

Not wanting to share the contents of her letter with anyone she excused herself and quickly got out on the porch where she slumped into the hanging chair that had served as her hiding place many a times in her youth.

Snuggling into the high backed swingchair she held up the letter, turned it over and looked at the handwriting on the front side, it definitely wasn't Rhett. She let out a sigh of disappointment. No of course it wasn't his writing. Why would he bother to write her a letter? He had made it clear enough that he didn't care a fig what happened to her. Bother to him and bother to the rest of the world. What did she care if he never spoke to him again? He could rot to hell in his beloved Charleston. She made the anger rise in her stomach, and for a fleeting second she consider tearing the thick envelope to pieces. As suddenly as the anger had arrived it disappeared as if it had never been, and the sadness of it all hit her, and she doubled over. Why wasn't it him who had written her? Why didn't he care?

A little shaky se straightened her back and evened out her gown, and patted her hair. Her inner turmoil, no longer clearly visible to any unseen onlooker that might hide in the dark. She traced the writing on the front with her finger, the slanting lettering was entirely unfamiliar – who could it be that would write her from Charleston. With unsteady hands she carefully slit open the envelope and revealed its contents.

She almost screamed with disappointment. It was nothing but another endless letter from her aunts. She could almost tell how the letter would run from end to end. Complaints of their life, of never having enough, then a ramble on how inappropriately she acted and probably finishing of with some more dishing of her nature and glorification of her Youngest sister Careens merits. Careen had been cooped up in that damned Charleston convent for the last couple of years. And how hard was it to stay saintly and on the golden path of propriety if one was for ever enclosed in a convent with nothing to do but praying and do gooding. She didn't have to consider where her next meal came from, and as now frivolity was allowed she didn't have to consider the changes in fashion either. No it definitely wasn't fair that she should be compared with boring old Careen.

She let her eyes roam over the seemingly endless pages of her aunts spindly handwriting, scanning the lines for any thing of particular interest.

Right at the end her eyes were caught by a slight change in the handwriting. The flow of the writing changes there and the letters bore more semblance to the slanting words on the envelope than the remains of the letter.

Strange she thought. Well, perhaps it was just Eulalie taking charge of the pen for once. Whenever she had bother to imagine her aunts writing to her, it had always been an image of Pauline sitting on her spindly little chair in front of her frail bureau in her pastel coloured boudoir, scrawling the words that Eulalie dictated to her interpreted with her own agenda in mind.

Well, she would give Eulalie the compliment of actually reading from end to end what she had found so important that she had grabbed the pen herself.

Her eyes swam as she grasped the meaning of the words.

Rhett was having a party, and not just any party, a grand new year party at that damned plantation of his.

She started at this – hadn't it been destroyed during the war?

Well never mind, how dared he be hosting a grand celebration when she was left her at old Tara.

She read on curious as to what her aunts could have to say more about the matter.

…Disgrace that you are not here at your husbands side… …People are talking…

Well let them, she didn't give a fig. Only it wasn't true, having felt the heartbreaking loneliness of being an outcast more or less from the polite circles of Atlanta Society, she did not have any great wish to have the same reputation in Charleston.

…we expect you to join at your husband's side…

Her head jerked up. Was this her opening her hint to go? At least it would be a perfect excuse. Even Rhett would not dare turn her away in front of all of Charleston. An added bonus would be that she could use it as an excuse and get out of the drab mourning gowns that had been her constant companion in the months since first Bonnie's and later Melanie's deaths.

But what did it matter Rhett didn't want her.

Wasn't that abundantly clear when he was already strutting around hosting grand parties when not even having visited her even once as he had promised to keep gossip down or had had the decency to invite her himself. She was after all still his wife, God damn it.

Floating images forced their way into her mind, images of Rhett in the midst of a circle of beautiful prim and proper Charleston ladies. Smiling, laughing being his most charming self, the perfect host to all his fancy guests – How could he. The imaginary betrayal hit her hard.

She crammed the letter into a small ball, and silently the tears that she mostly fought back successfully, slowly started to drip.

So engrossed was she in her own misery that he didn't her the slight movement in the darkness. Suellen had gone out on the porch to see what kept her elder sister for so long. And the picture of Scarlett in a rare display of emotion stirred something in her. This was on of the first times that she saw Scarlett as not the cause of all her problems but as a human being with strength and weaknesses just like everybody else. She wondered why it had taken her so long to realise. Even if Scarlett had her faults, Suellen reluctantly admitted to herself, Scarlett herself had sacrificed a great deal for all of them.

Somehow seeing this vulnerable side of Scarlett shifted something in her perception of the world. This was not a spur of the moment realisation, but one that had been creeping in on her over the last weeks while Scarlett had been back at Tara. She had been unwilling to admit it, but now that she sensed that her sister was not as strong and ready for battle made her want to comfort this normally strong woman. She thought to herself the not to long ago she would have rejoiced at a chance to throw Scarlett's misdeeds at her head, but it somehow seemed less important than helping this woman that had admittedly had a pretty rough time lately. Suellen could not even begin to imagine what it would be like to loose a child, she recoiled at the thought of loosing one of her own lovely daughters. And to top it up, it seemed like something had gone wrong between her sister and her handsome husband. Suellen had of course heard the gossip of Scarlett and Ashley, and had believed it, but she now realised that at least now, Scarlett was heartbroken, not because of Ashley but because of Rhett.

"What's the matter Scarlett, is it Rhett?" Suellen's voice broke the silence.

Startled Scarlett looked up, a mixture of conflicting emotions flashing over her face, and hardened as she took in her sister appearance. Why couldn't it have been Mammy, or any body but old hateful Suellen, probably only out here to wallow and gloat in Scarlett's misery.

"Oh Scarlett will you stop looking at me like that"

"You now I am not evil incarnated or any such things" Suellen added with a hint of mockery.

"Did you ever stop to think that I actually feel for you" She continued with a look of real concern on her face, before Scarlett could open her mouth.

"Why?" Scarlett's face was guarded and filled with suspicion – anxiously awaiting her sister's next blow. She had tried being friendly and patient with Suellen since she had come back to Tara, but all of her good intentions had always been ruined by a hateful comment from her younger sister.

As Suellen didn't answer, Scarlett continued.

"What do you care? You've never cared for anything but yourself in your whole life, and has never been anything but mean and spiteful to me despite all I have done to you" Her voice held a hint of malice, that did not go unnoticed by her younger sister.

Suellen's face contorted into an angry grimace, her eyes glinting dangerously, but with a great effort she reined in her temper, that if not a match for her sisters, still had quite a spark to it.

"Will you stop it already, Scarlett?"

"I'm tired of this, this endless fighting and bickering" Suellens voice was flat and devoid of emotion.

"Don't you think we are getting a bit too old for this?"

Scarlett looked at her scrutinisingly, taking in every detail of Suellens expression, as if trying to see if any ulterior motives or hidden agenda where behind this sudden change of heart from her sister. Not finding any hint of deception there she continued.

"Why now" her voice as flat as that of her sister had been just before.

Suellen looked at her and sighed. She turned her head and let her eyes skim over the darkening lands of Tara. Silently she dumped down next to Scarlett on the hanging swing chair. The night air was surprisingly warm and balmy for an evening this late in the year.

"I don't know" Suellens voice faded away.

"Aren't you tired of this endless fighting" She looked at Scarlett with a questioning look in her eyes.

As Scarlett did not respond Suellen continued hesitantly.

"You know I forgave you… you know, forgave you for marrying Frank a long time a go?"

Scarlett raised a sceptical eyebrow.

"I did Scarlett, I hated you, but then it just faded away… I know that isn't the impression I have given you but…" She paused

"but it is just that you always give me such a hard time, and your life always seemed so perfect that I felt like my only way was to keep on this resentment charade"

"but now… well I don't know, it just doesn't seem that important any more"

"Despite what everybody might think about him I love Will, and I love my life here at Tara, even if I sometimes miss the fancy parties and gown that seems to be your every day life.

She breathed deeply and then decided to continue

"Come now Scarlett say something, or has the cat go your tongue" reverting to her sarcastic way for a second, and the continued in her normal voice.

"Do you think we can do it, be friends, or if not friends then at least not at each others throats all the time"

Scarlett still didn't say anything, and for a moment Suellen bristled a bit at the silence but thought better of it and just let peace and quiet reign for a moment.

"Thank you" Scarlett's voice broke the silence just as Suellen was starting to think that it had been all for nothing.

"I'll gladly accept your white flag… this fighting is not as fun as it used to"

Scarlett paused, for a moment considering her words

"and I am sorry about Frank – but you know being married to him was not as fun as you perhaps dreamed of" A half smile crossed her face lighting up her eyes for just a second.

Suellen put an arm around Scarlett's hunched back and gave her a light squeeze. Scarlett leaned back a bit accepting her sister's awkward display of affection, surprised at how good it felt.

For the first time, in perhaps all of their life, or at least since their early youth – before the quest for beauxs and the war had torn them a part - they felt a small sense of union.

In that instant it felt like even if they lost everything else in their world, they would not be all alone, they would still have each other. A very comforting thought. It was naturally still a fragile truce, but at least it was there.

Knowing it would be a dangerous subject to broach Suellen weighed her next words very carefully.

"Scarlett, is everything alright with you and Rhett" Scared that she might have gone to far with her simple question, she hurridly added.

"Not that it is any of my business, but if… if you feel like having anyone to confide in… I am right here" She felt Scarlett stiffen next to her.

A multitude of thoughts flashed through Scarlett's mind – could she really trust her sister, or was it just a game. She believed Suellen's request for truce, and felt it was beyond even her scheming sister to first pledge friendship and forgiveness to turn against her the next moment. She decided that she did trust her.

But the second thing, and perhaps far more important was, did she really want to discuss this with anyone? Scarlett was so used to being strong and self reliant that the thought of charing her inner turmoil with her sister seemed utterly foreign. Sort of confiding in Mammy was not the same, Mammy was Mammy, and Scarlett knew that Mammy would always care for her no matter what. In a strange way it didn't really count as confiding in anyone to confide in Mammy just because she would always be loyal and not condemn Scarlett for her actions. She had recognised that she loved Mammy dearly, so it wasn't like it was just spilling her heart to an unimportant person. Oh, it was just so difficult to pinpoint the difference Scarlett thought with frustration. But different it was nevertheless.

Confiding in Suellen would mean to put trust in another human being outside of her control which seemed like a giant leap of faith.

And also, by confiding in someone who was more like her equal, in a sense made her misery more real. Also Suellen would definitely not be as understanding and accepting as Mammy.

Scarlett fiddled with the letter in her hands. Her eyes staring unseeing into the now dense darkness surrounding them outside their small bubble of comfort that were dimly lit by the light being let out from the curtained windows of the house.

Not wanting to disclose the full extent of the deteriorated state of her marriage, yet feeling the need to let out some of the frustration she had experienced after receiving the letter tonight. She all of a sudden felt that she wanted to let Suellen in at least part of the way so she started:

"I received a letter from Charleston to night"

"from Rhett" Suellen interjected, wanting to show that she was happy that Scarlett had accepted her offer of confidence.

"NO" The word had a very definite ring to it.

"no" Scarlett repeated a bit more calmly – she sighed.

"No, it wasn't from Rhett… It was from our dear aunts, they wanted to inform me of a party that my dear husband is hosting – and of course tell me of for not being by his side – they very subtly tells me that I am the talk of the town for not being the supporting wife after… after…" her voice broke audibly

"Well you know what I mean" she looked up hesitantly at Suellen's face searching for some sort of indication as to what her sister thought of her revelations. Though the words had been few, she knew that more could be deducted from in between the lines.

After a short pause she added.

"Well, the last part of the letter was a not so subtle hint that I should go to Charleston for the party or they would be utterly ruined by my disgraceful behaviour – petty old ladies. And in a way I want to go, but at the same time I don't – does it make sense" She concluded her monologue abruptly – not knowing if she had said to much or to little, not wanting to admit that the main thing holding her back was the fear of what she would find in Charleston.

--""""--

They had sat on the porch talking for quite some time, only interrupted by a startled Will that had come out to pick up what he had thought would be the bloody remnants of another cat fight between the war faring sisters, and had found them in peaceful conversation.

Their first truce had been fortified a little, grown stronger as they had let their conversation flow. They both knew that they would never be in complete unison on all topic or even most topics, but they both felt that their peace offering to each other was something valuable and worth preserving.

Suellen had with surprising insight understood the majority of what held back Scarlett from going to Charleston, making Scarlett wonder if they were perhaps more similar than she had ever given Suellen credit for. And she had discretely encouraged Scarlett to go.

On this note they had bid their goodnights and had retired.

Scarlett to her lonesome bed where she could give her thoughts free reins.

She was still greatly surprised at the turn of the evening's events. Who would have thought that a cream coloured envelope could cause such a stir?

Following that her mind flew on to the other major topic of the night, her sort of invitation to the ball, and her somewhat reluctant decision to go.

At this thought she felt her heart give an expectant lurk. Stupid heart. It would most likely be disappointed once again. She darkly conjured up an image of Rhett in deep intimate conversation with a beautiful Charleston lady, smiling his charming smile that was meant only for her. How dares he? Yes, she would most surely be disappointed, but she knew now, even as she had done before talking to Suellen about, no matter how reluctant she had been to admit it, that she would have to go. He pulled at her like a magnet and she knew she couldn't resist.

She needed to see him, to see if she would feel this overwhelmin love a strongly when she was once again face to face with the object of her admiration. Also this was a God send chance for her to work her charm on him - she had always been able to win over any man she wanted to if she just focused on it enough. And Rhett had been won over before, she could do it again. She was determined to succeed.


	10. Interim Events

**A/N - Thanks everybody who took the time to review. Nice to know that at least some of you enjoy the story ;) This chapter is sort of an inbetween chapter, and turned out quite a bit different to what I planned. Hope you will enjoy - M**

The Night air was cold and had a wetness to it. Making her close damp as she walked through the darkness. A darkness that was so dense, so that it almost seemed solid. How could the world be so dark.

She felt the darkness tightening around her. Dark, cold and damp – almost suffocating.

Though she couldn't see anything she picked up her pace and ran through the darkness, not knowing where or on what she put her feet.

Her lungs screamed for fresh air, but she felt that if she stopped her frantic forward motion, she would be completely engulfed by the darkness, and held hostage by it forever.

She didn't know for how long she had been running, but her limbs were tired and heavy, but still she kept going.

Suddenly the darkness seemed to lighten a little, a creeping greyness. In the distance she saw a warm glow, faint, but definitely there. At this she felt a surge of energy. The light would be her saviour. As she came closer, the darkness became more of a dark foggy greyness; mist swirled around her feet in dark tongues, trying to grasp her by the ankles. But she kept running.

Suddenly she noticed that the light had stopped coming closer, with every step she took, it moved a bit further away. She reached out as if she could magically stretch her arms over the wide expanse, and claim her saviour. As she did so her tired legs gave in and she fell.

Fell indefinitely.

She could hear a shrieking sound as she floated through the air at breakneck speed, she realised that the sound was coming from her. She screamed, as she fell.

Suddenly the world around her changed.

She realised that she had stopped falling, though she could still feel the freefall fright in her every bone. She was lying on something soft

She felt damp and bone very, the echo of her scream still reverberating in the room. As she became more conscious of the world around her she realised that it had all been a dream, and that she was lying in her old bed in her childhood bedroom at Tara. The same old dream again – only this time even more frightening.

She hadn't been to that place of fear since she had come back to Tara, somehow being at her childhood home had banished it, but now that spell was broken.

Why now? Even as her mind posed the question she knew the answer with almighty clarity.

She was going to Charleston, unwanted and unbeknown to Rhett, but she needed to go. She needed to know. Was there any hope still, for them, for her?

The task frightened her, in a way she had never been scared of anything before. Sometimes she contemplated if it was better to live in this limbo of not knowing, rather than facing a full on rejection yet again. But she knew that she couldn't turn back now, wouldn't turn back now. She had to go.

She was to leave on the train later in the morning, so even if she had really wanted, it would have caused too much attention if she was to turn back now.

Scarlett wondered what time it was. Probably far to early to be even considering getting out of bed, but she didn't dare to go back to sleep. She couldn't face another tour de force with her nightly land of dread – one go was more than enough. She shuddered. The land of darkness and swirling mist seemed more and more real with each visit. What if it someday became a real place, her thoughts quickly visited the feeling she had had the night of Mellys death. The darkness and mist had been so close to the vision she had in her nightmares, and the outcome had been pretty close to the normal outcome. She had fallen, only that time not physically, but fallen in love, and had been crushed shortly after this revelation

Scarlett shook her head at her own silliness. This was Tara for God sake, she was, and would always be safe here.

She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, her small feet touching the cold wooden floorboards. But she welcomed the shivers that this sent through her. At least this was a real physical feeling, not something that her own mind had created. She had always been able to deal with concrete things, she could challenge and control them; but the hidden imagined part of life scared her, as they were beyond her control and influence.

She had hardly had a drink since arriving. Her craving for her nightly brandy had at first been strong but then subsided. Tonight however she felt that she deserved it. A tumbler of that dark burning liquor were the only thing that could calm her inner turmoil. As oil on wild waters the brandy would keep her calm

Christmas had been a bittersweet affair, in many ways the most tightly knit family Christmas for many years, but the absence of Rhett and Melanie had been a thorn in her eye and her heart,

The peace she had found with Suellen had lasted, and Scarlett, had been surprised at how much comfort she aactually derived from the new found peace with her sister.

They would never be completely close, but at least now the open warfarring had been put on hold, and each had discovered that the other held some redeeming qualities.

Wade and Ella was another chapter, her relationship with them had definitely approved as well, she would never, how ever much she tried, harbour any deep motherly feelings towards them, but at least now she could be in the same room with them, without only seeing them as something put there to spite her for her two first failed marriages and the husbands she had married out of either spite or the pure need for money.

Scarlett even felt that perhaps in time she could come to see her two elder kids as persons in their own right, and respect them for their own qualities. But that was still something to do tomorrow. Right now she had to focus on the far more daunting task of going to Charleston.

---""""---

In an equally dark night another light burned strongly, a strongly built man walked the empty halls of a grand mansion. Taking in the beauty of the restored house, his restored house! He was admiring the fine details of the old house that after years of being left to its own premises – a decaying ruin - had once again been brought back to life. Rhett Butler was proud of his work, and took joy in his recurring nightly wanderings. But the restoring job, hadn't provided him with the peace of mind he had expected. She still haunted him.

His physical appearance had been completely restored, but still his eyes held a sad gleam to any one who cared and had a keen enough eye to observe it.

Most of the time however, he was able to mask his hidden sorrows and hurts. He was skilled at that, perhaps too skilled for his own good even.

He felt that the only one who didn't quite believe his happy face was his mother. They never talked about it, him to proud to broach the subject. Her too reserved and held back, by her upbringing as a lady, to ever dare interrogate her eldest son about his true state of mind.

But Eleanor who was a keen observer of the human nature, and better than anyone understood the complex nature of her eldest soon sensed that he kept a deep sorrow in his heart. A sorrow and defeat to the world that went beyond even that devastating task of outliving your offspring.

She had a fairly clear idea that this sadness that she saw, was, to some extend, connected to Rhett's beautiful wife. She had only ever met Scarlett once, but she had divined that this was indeed a special girl, full of life and spirit, even as she was then burdened by the loss of their beautiful daughter. Eleanor didn't know if she had particularly liked the girl after the first impression of her daughter in law. But she had sensed that her son loved the feisty girl with an urgency that could never be quelled, no matter how much he at this point in time tried to deny and dispute that fact.

She had seen the inner fight even then at her grand daughter's funeral, and seen the state of ruin Rhett had arrived at her doorstep in only months later, and made the connection but never asked.

She had also seen through Rhett's well thought out reason for making an event out of inviting Scarlett O'Haras Charleston residing aunts to their new year ball at Dunmore Landing, and had without question made sure that the invitation was relayed to their niece in a subtle way – but yet put in a way to make sure she indeed did show up. In all honesty she had actually herself worded and penned those words herself, not that she did put a great deal of enjoyment in medling in other peoples affairs, but she sensed that some sort of intervention was needed. And however much she had felt disinclined to encourage a woman that had caused her beloved son so much distress, driving him almost to the brink of insanity. She knew that this very same woman was probably the only one able to heal those very same wounds. If only Rhett would let her.

Rhett entered the magnificent ballroom, high ceilinged with large window doors opening out into the expansive garden. How beautiful it was. He almost looked forward to the upcoming New Year's ball. The ballroom would be disguised as an enchanted garden of silver and warm glowing candles. The band that had played in the prewar days had asked their leave for the day from their current employees. It would be the greatest ball in a long time. Resurrection this old tradition had luckily been met with approval from all the peers of Charlestonian society, and thus destined to be a roaring success.

Only three days away.

Only three days 'til laughter and smiles would be heard and seen in his restored hallways. Only three days 'til the swishing sound of ball gowns would echo in the room, accompanied by the light footed dancing steps of gallant gentlemen. The essence of the south distilled from the remnants of the past.

He had come to look forward to the evening. And he knew that it was one of the most important events for his sister and mother, in a very long time, perhaps even since the war. They had been occupied with planning every minute detail from the decorations creating the atmosphere, to the delicious canapés that would be served in due time and their ball gowns. They had both agreed, albeit reluctantly at first to get new ball gowns for the evening, and looked very much forward to accept their friends and guests at the old plantation house, dressed in brand new gowns. They had naturally been very careful not to overspend, or to seem overtly frivolous with money as they had planned the evening. The nature of Rhetts money and their origin, was still a sore issue among the old guards of Charleston propriety – they hoped that they had done their job well, and that all who would attend the ball, would take as much pleasure in it as they had had in the planning process.

Rhett however had been mainly focused on getting the building fit for company, and he rightfully felt that he had succeeded admirably.

He often questioned his motives for putting in such a dedicated effort to making the house and the ball ready and ensuring its success. Was it really only to please his mother and sister that he had went along with or did he perhaps have an underlying motivational factor that made him work wholeheartedly to make the ball all it had ever been. He knew that it wasn't, for behind is every motion a question kept surfacing.

Would she come? Would se answer his well hidden request and come to Charleston?

He hoped and feared so at the same time.

His mind had played out the evening over and over again since plotting the little rendezvous, but he still didn't know how to react if she did show up, or if she didn't?

What would he do then?

He had finally admitted out loud if only to himself that he wasn't as over and done with her as he had let her and himself to believe. This acknowledgement had been lurking at the edge of his mind for some time, but he had wilfully pushed it away, not wanting to examine the consequences of such an admission.

The acknowledgement had come slowly and gradually, the first glimmer of consciousness had shown itself already as he left Atlanta, and later on, he had seen it but not admitted it. But know he saw it unconcealed and with clarity. His love for Scarlett O'Hara was not dead.

Should he return to their marriage like a slunken dog, begging its mistress not to let it go or should he keep on defying his need for her.

He was not inclined to submitting himself easily to yet another dance of disdain from her side, and even if he had sensed the sincerity in her word as he had left those two times in Atlanta, first crying in their gloomy hallway on the night of Melanie's death and later at the train station after Melanie's funeral; he still did not fully believe her capable of loving and relying any one but herself. How funny and ironic that she whose husband had played such a big part in the physiological separation of him and Scarlett during their marriage, should now mark the milestones of their physical separation.

He would probably fight this feeling even if it would leave him forever maimed. And he hoped that she would show up on New Years Eve so that he could start proving to himself, that he could and would live without her.

---""""---

Scarlett hesitated for a moment in the doorway of her first class train compartment. For a moment feeling the urge to turn around and leave everything behind her. Running away to a place where she wasn't know, and where her current hurt couldn't reach her. But she knew it would be futile she couldn't escape. And she Scarlett O Hara was not a coward, she didn't run from challenges, she faced up to them and conquered all resistance, and that was what she set out to do this time as well. Her foe this time, not being hunger or money craving Yankees, but her damned husband's elusive heart.

On that note she resolutely stepped onto the platform.

She briefly nodded her thanks at the luggage boy who had sprung to quickly, sensing a quick gain by helping out the beautiful lady. She looked rich in her handsome dress, and would probably pay him well for his services.

While the young lad struggled with her expansive luggage Scarlett looked out for her aunts who were to pick her up. She had sent them a brief note giving the time and date of her arrival, and she hoped they would have had sense enough to come and pick her up. She didn't want to rise more gossip by being found arriving in Charleston without any connections, it would probably start enough tongues wagging that she wasn't picked up by her devoted husband or his Mother.

She had considered contacting Rhett's mother directly, but what if Rhett had filled her with lies or even worse, the truth about the state of her daughter in law and her son's marriage and so would refuse to receive her. She didn't think even Rhett would sink that low, especially as that would not help him on his quest to get back in the good graces of Charleston society, but Scarlett was not in the mood to test her husbands integrity or thus chance her opportunity to see him again.

So instead she had written her aunts with some dim-witted excuse of her wanting to be able to spend some time with her sister Careen who resided in Charleston, a nun in the convent which were situated conveniently close to her aunts residence. Suellen had helped her concocting the plan and writing her letter, they had agreed that even if the aunts saw through her excuse. As they probably would, They would be hindered by their good breeding and prim and proper ways to enquire into her real reason for going to them and not her husbands family as would be the correct ting to do. They would most likely spend many hours contemplating this and going over the question in their minds. But she didn't care as long as she had a roof over her head, a soft bed to sleep in, and a foolproof way of getting to her husbands ball. She had even had a fabulous new ball gown created; that she knew would turn heads. And looked forward to a night of dancing, even if it would also be a terribly emotional evening.

She spotted her aunts easily, as they stood hudled together at the edge of the platform, looking out of place in the hustling and bustling train station. Two worn out birds in worn out finery. Scarlett for a moment felt a pang of sympathy and sadness at the sight of them. They looked so lost and tired. Life hadn't been easy on those two. Like so many others Pauline and Eulalie had not been raised for a life in the world they had been thrown into.

She had been the one to provide for them for the last many years, her contribution to their upkeep had never been discussed, but she sensed that it was greatly appreciated. After her grandfather had turned down helping her when she had needed tax money for Tara she had realised that he was unlikely to be any more generous towards his daughter than his granddaughter, and she had started sending whatever money could be spared.

Scarlett raised her arm and waved at the two aunts, and she was grateful to receive to big smiles in return.

She edged her way through the crowds.

---""""---

Already on their walk back to her aunts house Scarlett's initial feeling of kindness and sympathy towards her aunts started to melt away. And now sitting down for tea Pauline and Eulalie's endless chit chattering was driving her crazy, how could any two people use so many words yet saying so little? She started focusing on other things and her aunts voices faded in to an annoying background noise that could easily be ignored.

Suddenly she snapped back into attention. Eulalie had mentioned a familiar name. Eleanor Butler. Scarletts eyes narrowed, and her voice even to her sounded more shrill than she had intended.

"What did you say about Eleanor Butler?"

Pauline gave Scarlett a rude look, how crude her Irish side sometimes could be when it showed itself to bluntly, she was surprised that Ellen had not been able to tame the girl in a better way.

"Eulalie just stated that we ran into Eleanor Butler the other day" Pauline said

"And she enquired about you" Pauline continued raising an eyebrow at Scarlett.

"Yes yes, she seemed to expect you to come to visit us" Eulalie interrupted, always eager to please.

Scarlett kept her face blank, why would Eleanor Butler ask for her? And why would she expect Scarlett to show up at her aunts doorstep, not at her own house by her husbands side. What had Rhett told Mrs Butler. Oh, she would claw his eyes out that mean low down skunk.

"We of course told her that you were coming here to spend New Years with your sister" Eulalie yammered on.

"My sister and I explained how you had wanted to stay with us out of convenience regarding the close proximity to the convent, but she insisted that you came to her house immediately, and we of course accepted, or it would have seemed odd" Pauline interjected.

Scarlett froze, staying at Rhett's mothers?

Her mind went into a spin, would that be a move that would be beneficial to her cause or not?

"We of course accepted on your behalf" Eulalie proudly stated before Scarlett could think of an excuse to bid her time to consider her next move.

Scarlett quickly gather her self from the surprising and unexpected turn of events and put a smile on her face. Perhaps it wouldn't be too bad, if she could charm Rhett's mother she would have a valuable ally, it would be much harder for Rhett to chuck her out in the street if she had his mothers sympathy. And also, if she was in his mothers home, he couldn't be openly rude to her.

Her smile deepened and became a real smile. Her slanted green eyes glimmered, making her look as feline as ever. Had her aunt's been more superstitious they would have crossed themselves.

No staying at the Butler home would definitely improve her stand point. Also she wasn't sure if she could have withstood several full days of nothing more to entertain her than her aunts mindless droning.


	11. A time gone by

The sun shone brightly through the large wndows and tickled her cheek with a longer fingered ray of light. She groaned and stretched leisurely. How comfortable this bed was.

She smiled and slowly opened her eyes. She had had the best sleep in ages, and felt completely refreshed.

She was in Charleston and things had gone miles better than she had imagined.

After the never ending tea with Eulalie and Pauline, Rhett's mother had stopped by to ensure that Scarlett was transferred to her house, The Butler House.

Rhett's Mother, Eleanor as she had been encouraged to call her, was nothing like the tall stuck up woman Scarlett had made her out to be at Bonnie's funeral. That was the only time Scarlett had ever met Rhett's Mother and she had been sure that Mrs Butler had been greatly disapproving of her, she now discovered that that assumption had been unfounded.

Eleanor Butler was a true woman of her time, well breed, well educated, polite in manner and polished in demeanor by her Charleston upbringing. She reminded Scarlett of her own mother in so many ways, from her gentle speech to the Lemon Verbena sent that followed her every movement. This resemblance to Ellen made Scarlett comfortable at once, and she was able to relax and enjoy the opportunity to go to Rhett's childhood home. A thing that surprised Scarlett was that even if her mother in law did possess all the coveted qualities of a true lady, still in so many ways the elder Mrs Butler was not like the women of her time. Scarlett to her surprise found that Eleanor had a real sense of humour that transcended her very being. She was forthright and spoke her mind, though never in a careless way that set out to hurt people. Scarlett had only spent a few hours in the older woman's company before she had come to admire those qualities in her.

The only other woman that Scarlett had admired like that was her own mother, and in that admiration there had always been mixed a certain awe of her mother's perfection, and in addition felt that she too had to be perfect to be worthy of her mothers love. With Eleanor she instinctively felt that it was OK not to be flawless, she thought with a wicked sense of humour, that she of course had to be like that or she would have been driven mad by her eldest son. No Rhett's mother was definitely a pleasant surprised.

They had spent the evening talking in front of the fireplace in the cosy living room, a room decorated not for entertaining guests but for the sole enjoyment of the residents of the house.

Scarlett had dreaded the initial though of spending hours on end chatting mindless chit chat with a stuck up old woman, but all her fears had been brought to shame.

Scarlett had been very relieved to learn that Rhett was not in Charleston at the moment. He had gone of to Dunmore landing in order to prepare the final details for the New Years party.

"You do plan to attend the party, my dear" Eleanor had asked, to Scarlett's great relief. Now there would be no awkward scenes. At least not before they got to the ball…

Rosemary, Rhett's younger sister was not present either, she had begged and pleaded with her brother, Eleanor had told with a chuckle, until he could no longer refuse her.

"Poor Rosemary, she has had such a hard time, she deserves some fun" It turned out that Rosemary like Scarlett had several marriages under her belt, and had lost a daughter during the war under very sad circumstances. This of course made Scarlett immensely curious about Rhett's sister, she had always feared the unknown Rosemary a little bit and had sensed from her, though they had never met, a competition for her husband's feelings that had bothered her, even before she had realised her own feelings for him. But perhaps she wouldn't be too bad after all. Perhaps she could even be an ally, at least Rosemary did not sound like some faint hearted little girl, who would be prone to gossiping and malicious talk behind Scarlett's back, like most of the young women of Atlanta. Scarlett send a cold thought to India Wilkes and her company of sour faced gossips, that had sent Scarlett out in the cold in terms of being received. How good it felt to once again be included as a natural part of polite society.

Eleanor had gone on to tell tales of Rhett's childhood and early teenage years. Tales of a boy that Scarlett had not even known existed. She had of course realised that Rhett had been a child once, but he had always seemed so mature and self assured around her, so that was a part of him that had been formerly unknown to her. Mrs Butler was a gifted story teller, and her anecdote and stories from a time long past were very entertaining. She had woven a cosy atmosphere that had Scarlett spellbound, and the minutes and hours had passed by and it had been well past midnight before the older woman had ordered Scarlett up into bed. Chiding herself for having kept her guest up for so long, when she had had a long day of travelling, and was probably about to faint from fatigue. Scarlett had of course denied, and hoped that the night could be brought to last forever, but in the end she had relented and as she had lain down in the newly made bed she had realised just how tired she was.

Not just from the physical strain of the day, but the day has been filled with emotions as well.

But sleep didn't come at once as her mind kept her awake. Forcing her to mull over the events of the day.

With wonderment she realised that the stories that Eleanor had told tonight probably had brought her more knowledge of the man that she professed to know, than all their years of marriage put together.

How could one love a man that one did not know? That baffled her! And what baffled her even more was the question that followed directly afterwards, how could you love a man and not even know that you didn't know him?

It made her breathless for one long moment, what if she realised that she didn't love him as she had with Ashley. For a moment blind panic gripped her.

What if it was all an illusion?

What if she was destined to die alone?

But just as suddenly she calmed down. She loved him, she was sure of it. It was different. Different than with Ashley.

Even if she didn't know him she knew that she would always love him.

Rhett always made her fell secure, like nothing in the world could hurt her when he was around.

Rhett had in their good days been able to make her laugh like no one else had.

Rhett had never hidden the more unpleasant side of his personality around her, so it was not like she had some kind of illusion that he was an unblemished knight in shinning armour.

Rhett had always encouraged her to be herself around him, he had not tried to force her into something other than she was.

And all of a sudden realisation dawned on her; she loved him because she recognised herself in him.

She saw the qualities she possessed reflected in him.

Suddenly words from a past that seemed far away crept into her mind, and she could hear him speak them as though he was right next to her.

"We dear wife could have been perfectly happy, if you had as much as given us half a chance, we are so much alike you and I"

Yes she loved him, and for the very same reason he must still love her. For not loving her would be like not loving himself, and if there was one thing she was certain of it was that Rhett Butler was quite fond of himself.

It was on that comforting note that Scarlett had fallen asleep, and it was that thought that had caused her to sleep like a baby, and wake up as refreshed as she had not felt in a long time.

**A/N I know it is only short but I felt it said all I wanted for now, please let me know what you think.**


	12. Recollections

**A/N: i know most of you just want to see R&S dance the night away. Happy in each others arms, but well, we are not quite there yet. Hope you will forgive me and enjy neve the less. Happy reading.**

Eleanor leaned back in her chair with a sigh; it had been a long day. Not a bad day, or any such things, but a long and, to be honest, fairly exhausting day.

Her dear daughter in law could be a fairly exhausting companion.

Eleanor gave a small smile and relaxed deeper into the soft chair, remembering for a second how she in her young days, when she had come to a house similar to this, sitting in a similar chair pretending to be swallowed by the soft fluffiness of the chair.

It was one of those private and fond memories that always brought a twinkle to her eyes.

Oh how far away those days seemed.

And so they were.. She definitely wasn't as young as she had been. In fact, most days she didn't consider her age much, but from time to time something reminded her that she was now past the prime of her life and had probably a lot less days to go than she had already spent.

What a funny thing age was, she felt it both as a burden and a gift of freedom to be now officially an old lady. People took lot less notice of your action when your were "off age" – approaching middle age more like it – she thought with a half smile.

Eleanor shook her head, one could definitely get dizzy from thinking to much of those things, and right now she needed to think on more pressing matters than whether or not her lifeline would be cut within the next 5-10 or 20 years.

She had spent the day in the company of her beautiful daughter in law doing some last minute shopping for the pending ball. What a simple and yet surprisingly complex being that girl was. One moment she could make one think that all she could ever think of was the colour of ribbons that matched her eyes best, the next she would reveal something that told a story of a life far away from the glamour of her present situation. She astonished Eleanor - the woman that her son had married was not like any other girl that she had had the pleasure of making her acquaintance over the years. She understood what had fascinated Rhett about her, but she did not yet fully comprehend what had driven him away in the end. Those layers of the truth where still well hidden.

One thing however that she saw clearly was that Scarlett was driven by her determined, stubborn love for Rhett.

Scarlett was definitely not the woman that Eleanor herself would have chosen for her son, but she respected her sons initial choice and acknowledged that he had probably made a more well suited match for himself than she would have able to, even if she (rightfully) felt that she had quite a good understanding of how her eldest son was wired.

She sensed the tension in Scarlett and likened her to one of the spirited racehorses that had inhabited the stables of the Landing in the old days, before the war had cast its disrupting shadow over life as she had been brought up to expect it. Poor girl, from what she had learned from idle gossip and also from Rhett's sparse communication on the topic both before and after their marriage life had not treated Scarlett kindly.

The girl could be no more than thirty, if even that! and she had weathered tasks that had broken stronger men all over the south. Thrice married, twice widowed, and having lost her parents on top of that and thus having had to take on the responsibility of the well being of the remaining part of her family. That if not anything else earned Eleanor's respect. In addition Rhett's mother had taken a genuine liking to the girl, even if she was different from what society dictated of a young woman of her standing in society.

She wanted to help the girl sort out the mess she was in, but didn't know how to. At least Scarlett was here now, and Eleanor hoped that when Rhett was confronted with his estranged wife he would come to his senses and stop this foolish running away.

For Eleanor suspected that was what he had done when he had come to Charleston from Atlanta little more than a drunken mess.

Perhaps he had had a valid reason, perhaps not.

Nevertheless a man was to stay with his wife. That was a ground role of society. Miss Eleanor gave a chuckle to herself, how wonderfully old fashion that statement was.

Even if the elder Mrs Butler in many ways were forward thinking and liberal in her views, that was one of the basic rules of society that she still advocated. Especially in a case like this where she suspected that there was love and deep affection on both sides and most likely it was only stupid misunderstandings and heady tempers standing in the way. Scarlett's love for Rhett was obvious at least for her, and she had a strong feeling that only very strong emotions on her son's side could have made him take the step into matrimony. Even, if he was currently in hot headed denial of this fact.

God knows he had evaded matrimony long enough to marry for any other reason. Also Rhett had grown up in and she suspected unhappy due to it, in a household where love and tenderness had not been all too obvious. Especially not too Rhett. She sighed.

She had prayed for Rhett and his father to heal the breach between them for just as many years as it had existed. But now, now it was to late. The old Mr Butler had been in his grave for more than five years. He had died just shortly before Rhett's marriage. She wondered if it would have pleased him that his son had finally complied, and even to a girl of good family. Even if Scarlett's father came from a family of no consequence at least her Mothers side was something every family would enjoy adding to the family tree. The Robillards. She smiled for a moment lost in the past, she still missed him, Langston Butler, proud and disagreeable as he could be and had been for the latter part of his life, tormented by the misfortune of the south and what he saw as the betrayal of his own blood. She remembered a time before that, and it was those memories that she cherished more than anything, young and carefree, enveloped in the happiness of having found each other. Rhett bore many resemblances to his father whether he would admit it or not, both good and bad. Stubborn pride and reliance on one self was two prominent traits that she wouldn't have minded if had been toned down in her son. Well, that was too late, at least though, she hoped she could do her bit to help Rhett see more clearly on the matter of his marriage. But how?

A disturbance came from the front door and Eleanor jumped, whoever could it be at this time of the night?

She looked around nervously looking for something to defend herself with, should it turn out that it was a night time robber on the lookout for easy loot. Shaking her head, she chided herself for her foolishness, it was most likely just one of the servants who had forgot something and now had gone to retrieve it. At least any thief with just the least bit of sense would choose one of the Yankee houses down by the water as it was well known that most of those where more elaborately and costly decorated, in addition most of their residents had left the south for the Christmas holiday, wanting to be close to their families and loved ones as well.

Her train of thought was disrupted anew, by a deep chuckle. She looked up startled. Rhett Butler had come home.

"Good evening Mother, hope I didn't scare you to much" He gave her a scrutinising look.

"You sure look like you have seen a ghost – and here I expected a loving greeting from my dear mother" He jested gently leaning in to greet his mother with a gentle peck on the cheek.

He eyed her more closely, a glint of worry creeping into his eyes.

"You look so pale, there isn't anything wrong is there" The concern was evident in her voice.

Eleanor hastily shook her head and gave her son a smile. She hastily recollected her thoughts and put word to her denial.

"No of course not, it has just been a long day"

Not convinced Rhett eyed her srutinisingly.

"Are you sure Mother, you know I don't want you to over exerting yourself"

"Don't worry so Rhett, I am a grown woman, more than that in fact – some would call me a mature woman" Her eye twinkled at her little joke.

"I just had a long day shopping, you shouldn't chastise and old woman for wanting to look her best at your ball" She gave Rhett a more convincing smile, and tried to look calm and unfazed, though in reality was working high speed to take in this new turn of events.

She had definitely not planned for Rhett to come home before the ball, she had some inclination that he wouldn't take to kindly to being surprised with his wife in his bed in his mothers bed. No matter if he really wanted to see her again, Rhett had never been that fond of surprises. Why couldn't he just have stayed away as had been his original attention? At least at the ball he would have had to act civilly, no such rules applied to his own family home, much less his own bedroom for that matter.

Not wanting to reveal her little surprise immediately, she was sure he would call it something far less pleasant, she eagerly jumped into a conversation. Meanwhile hastily trying to cook up, some plausible explanation for Scarlett's presence in the house. Or even better if she could somehow get him out of the house before he found out.

"By the way, what brings you to town? Aren't you far too busy preparing for the big night to come here in the dead of night scaring the wits out of you poor mother?" She congratulated silently herself on hitting just the right note of jest and interest as she had aimed for.

Finally convinced that his mother was not suffering from grave ill health Rhett relaxed, went to the bar poured himself a generous drink and slumped down into the chair next to his mothers, placing his legs on the footrest stretching leisurely, enjoying the thought of a quiet conversation with his mother. He had missed her company when he had buried himself in the work with restoring the Landing. He had needed the respite from human society though, and he felt better than he remembered doing for the longest time. His sisters addition to the company at Dunmore had been welcome, and he loved her dearly, but he had missed his mothers point of view on things and her way of seeing the humour in most situations. The war had hardened his sister, and the aura of loss that he felt hung to him like an unshedable blanket most days, he also sensed in her – after all she too had lost a child in addition to two husbands to the war.

"My sister is a determined woman, she decided that we needed some specific flowers for the decorations, she didn't trust the gardener to do it himself, so who better to send than her devoted brother" He chuckled, and swirled the content of his glass.

"Rosemary also wanted me to check up on her dress – have you got it?" He breathed in deeply, he didn't want to admit the real reason he had been easily persuaded to do these tasks. He had caught to inattentive servants engrossed in idle gossip. The topic had been his dear wife and the rumoured sighting of her in Charleston.

"Silly girl, of course I have it – I thought I had sent note on that? – well you have to bear with an old lady"

Eleanor eyed Rhett closely, she could see he had something on his mind, but what the topic was, she could only guess at. She had had amble chance to learn how to interpret the immobile mask that his father had mastered as well. That however made her no where near to always successful.

"I also wanted to act as your escort tomorrow, can't have my mother arriving all alone to her rightful home"

The conversation moved to other topics such as the improvements and now almost finalised restoration of the largest part of the Dunmore Landing main house, which Eleanor keenly longed to see.

Their idle chattering however where strongly influenced by the fact that both participants were somehow engrossed in their own train of thought, and soon they fell silent. The flickering flames in the fireplace creating a cosy atmosphere.

"Well mother, I will leave you to your own thoughts and retire for the evening" Rhett got up slowly looking suddenly tired. He hadn't found a way to offhandedly bring the topic, which would have interested him the most, into the conversation; neither had his mother volunteered the topic. Well he couldn't blame her; he hadn't exactly been keen to discuss his wife or his marital status lately. He would just have to actively satisfy his curiosity tomorrow. Right night he needed sleep badly.

This ball preparation stuff had proven to be more exhausting than anticipated. Well tomorrow evening it would be over and done with.

He suddenly noticed that his mother had paled again. And the worry from when he had arrived came back with full force. He should have prodded deeper for an answer and not have led himself be blinded by her convincing words – he knew she would do anything to not cause worry, perhaps hiding a pending illness for too long, so that it would all of a sudden have turned to something gravely serious.

"Mother" he chastised,

"You look ill again, please tell me what is the matter, you know we can cancel the ball if you are not…"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence before Eleanor interrupted him with stern look.

"Don't be silly, my health is absolutely fine" She paused

"However there is something I have to tell you" She gave him a piercing look before hastily adding.

"She is here!"

Rhett looked at her questioningly. Of course he had an idea as to who she referred, but perhaps it was just because she had been too much on his mind lately so that he would immediately jump to that conclusion. Therefore he chose to remain silent, just lifting and enquiring eyebrow at her.

"Scarlett… She is here" Eleanor stated.

The question in Rhett's eyes was almost instantaneously replaced by a murderous glance. How dared she, that meddlesome woman. A multitude of angry words sprang to his tongue, but he quelled them, not wanting to explode at his mother. But oh, oh… how could she do this to him? He felt the betrayal stab at him. How could his mother have invited Scarlett into his house and not telling him? Not caring to remember how he a second ago had longed to know if Scarlett was indeed in town, and how he the last few days more clearly had imagined what it would feel like to seem her again.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Without saying another word he turned on his hell and stomped out of the room, slamming the front door leaving a resounding echo as the only evidence of his resent presence.


	13. An Arrival

It was more than just a little reluctantly that Eleanor Butler led her daughter in law to Dunmore Landing that New Years Eve. The evening was balmy; the night air as they approached the old house was scented with the flowers that had been brought in from the greenhouses that had survived the onslaught of the Yankees at the nearby plantation of Ashley Barony. She was eagerly anticipating seeing the old house resurrected to at least some of its former glory and glamour. Even now in the soft moonlight she could see that a lot of work had been done on the façade. The worst scorch marks that had been left the by the war had been healed.

Despite of this it was still with some trepidation and hesitant steps that she had embarked on their short trip there from the town.

The reason for this lay in the surprising late night visit she had received from her son the night before. A visit that had ended all too abruptly, when Rhett had stormed out of the house after discovering, that his own wife, the younger Mrs. Butler was sleeping soundly in one of the upstairs bedrooms. His very own bedroom in fact, not – she thought - that it would have made a lot of difference had Scarlett only been allowed a humble sleeping quarter in the humblest corner of the house. His reaction would most likely had been the same.

She had found his departure rather childish, but also sensed that it came from a deep sense of betrayal that he felt at her for having Scarlett in the house against his will. Even if he had never openly said that he had left his wife, he had not encourage her coming there openly either. Betrayal she feared, because he had felt trapped by her in the same way that he had felt trapped by his father who had always tried to manipulate and force him to take the proper path as dictated by society rules. And also, it showed her that the problems between him and Scarlett ran deeper than she had in any way anticipated.

She had been so sure in her instinct that Rhett dearly missed his wife, and that she was the one who could heal him completely from all the misfortune of the past years, and perhaps also the scars that his untimely departure from his childhood home had given him.

She still had faith in her son's feelings for Scarlett, but whether it had been a wise move to encourage the girl to come, as she had indirectly done, she now was less sure of.

She had all day contemplated whether to tell Scarlett of Rhett's late night visit the evening before and his hasty exit. But in the end she had decided against it. A choice she was now as they were now on the brink of her son's doorstep on the verge of regretting.

Didn't Scarlett deserve to be forewarned of a possible less than warm welcome?

Rhett she knew had felt utterly deceived by her housing Scarlett, and had been so barking mad that she feared that he wouldn't even be able to act politely to Scarlett.

Well nothing much to do about it now.

She just hoped that the two peacocks wouldn't cause too much of a scene.

-----""""""-----

Scarlett straightened her back and tilted her chin to a perfect 90 degree angel to her long neck. She felt shaky on the inside but would rather die than let the world know of her distress. Without a backward glance or any further acknowledgement of her mother in law walking next to her she set foot on the pathway leading up to the candlelit ballroom.

Instead of using the normal entrance to the house that could just be seen to their left a special gateway had been created to let the guests enter the ballroom. A large baldachin had been raised and decorated with floral ornaments and several lengths of a shimmering dark cloth that made it look almost like an enchanted portal to a different world. Scarlett sincerely hoped that this gateway would prove to be the door to a different world, a new life for her.

The day had up till now been an emotional see-saw ride, one minute feeling sure of the successful outcome of her endeavour while the next moment she felt uncertainty and fear of defeat sneak up on her, almost overcoming her with an urge to stick her tail between her legs and flee the city, not wanting to risk her heart being trampled on yet again.

In the end, despite her doubt and the inward tremble she had felt at the coming evening, she didn't flee. True to herself she didn't shy away, and as she got ready for the ball she even felt a twinge of excitement just at the thought of being allowed to dance again. She didn't remember the last time she had done that...

She had brought a brand new ball gown, however remembering Rhett's aversion to the frills and laces that she thought so becoming, she had let her Atlanta seamstress have free hands with the creation. And though simple and elegant in the cut she couldn't help but feel that she looked amazing. She had admired her own appearance for a length of time, that , had she been present, surely would have earned her a chastising remark from Mammy about vanity, but the old lady wasn't around, and so Scarlett had indulged herself, and practised her small but dazzling smiles that she had mastered so well in her younger days.

A thought that now gave her pleasure, no matter what the outcome of the evening would be at least she would not look like a lost jilted wife. She would look and act like the true lady she had always wanted to be, and if Rhett acted like a dog. At least this time she would have the crowds on her side, unlike the way things had turned out in Atlanta. Well, no time to think about that – she smiled to her self, and stopped abruptly. They had reached the actual entrance to the ballroom.

Her eyes scanned the room, searching for Rhett but failing to locate him. Instead she allowed herself to take in the beauty of the room. Even her untrained eyes could admire the beautiful architectural proportions of the room, the high ceiling and tall windows on either side, indicating that the ballroom spanned the entire width of the house, gilded mirrors on the far wall elongated the room, so that it seemed even wider. Had Scarlett been learned in history and architecture she would have likened it to the hall of mirrors at the castle that had been the French royal palace, Versailles. She estimated that at least 25 couples could be waltzing in the room at one time, making it even larger than the ballroom at Twelve Oaks which had to so far been the largest private ballroom she had been in, and therefore her measurement stock against what, other would be compared.

The sense of magic and mystery that had been the theme at the entrance to the ball also dominated the atmosphere in the ballroom and its decorations, giving Scarlett hope that perhaps tonight really anything was possible – and that wishes might come true. Floral decorations had been skilfully placed between each of the tall windows and through the garden entrance into the ballroom shimmering fairy lights could be seen luring people out in the night air for a light stroll in between the dances.

Though they had arrived early the first couples were already taking to floor, letting themselves be swept away by the music.

Tonight it seemed like everybody wanted to put away the worries of the past years, forget that war and loss had hit their homes, and that the world they now inhabited was no longer solely guided by the rules set by their society. Everybody, or so it seemed, had put on their finest dress. The jewellery that had been buried in the furthers and deepest corners of the families gardens during the war had been polished and repaired and now shone and glittered from the light of the myriad of candles that lit up the room. Some gowns were, if you looked closer, mended and far from new, but nobody noticed and nobody glared if people had splurged and bought a new dress. This was a night for enjoyment and indulgence, which meant that just a little bit of extravagance, could be allowed. After all the restoration of Dunmore Landing was an important and significant milestone for most of the guests present.

Scarlett cast a sideways glance at Eleanor, who in return gave her a small smile accompanied by a twinkle in her eye that told Scarlett that Rhett's mother had the same experience as she. A glimpse of a world long past.

"It's amazing isn't it" Eleanor's voice had a tremor to it as she spoke, and she sounded a little bit out of breath which couldn't be justified by their short walk. Scarlett suddenly realised that this was probably the first time since the war that Eleanor had been at Dunmore Landing, at least after it had been resurrected from its ashes. The twinkle in her eye that Scarlett had noticed just before might as well had been a small tear of joy mixed with sadness in remembrance of what had been lost.

Without thinking Scarlett leaned in and gave Eleanor and awkward one armed hug around the shoulders to let her know that she understood the older woman's feelings. After all, Scarlett loved Tara and had been devastated by its ruin and equally joyous to see it come back to life under Will's loving hands. Even if it wasn't and never had been as splendid a place as the Landing, at least it hadn't succumbed to the trials of war unlike so many other places, and in that she took immense pride and comfort.

"It is, it really is" Scarlett put emphasis on each word, to best convey her feelings to Eleanor.

Eleanor patted Scarlett's arm and winked at her.

"You must be dying to go dancing my dear" Eleanor had noticed how Scarlett had hummed bits of a waltzing tune and tapped a few steps with her foot on their way out from town.

"But first" she paused for the briefest second

"We have to locate the host and his sister and ask them if they need help" she looked Scarlett straight in the eye as she said the last sentence. Tying to see if she could force some sort of give away reaction out of her daughter in law.

It was at this point in time that Rhett Butler chose to make his entrance into the ballroom. He had been in the front hall sorting out some last minute preparations with the servants.

He of course knew that Scarlett would be at the ball, until last night he had only suspected but after last night he had naturally known for sure. Still he gave a jolt pausing mid stride when he spotted her standing with his mother right at the entrance, looking all homey and comfortable with the older woman at her arm.

How beautiful she looked, he took a moment to take in her appearance. He knew that his mother and his wife could not see him from where he was standing, so he felt the right to steal a moment to just admire her.

It was a long time since she had looked as beautiful as she did tonight. Her dark her was twisted into long thick ropes, edging their way op from her neck, allowing the black curls spill down at the side, in a way that looked carless yet elegant, but most likely had taken hours for Scarlett's poor maid to construct, revealing glimpses of the beautiful curve of her neck. For a moment he let himself remember, those rare moments where she had willingly let him trace its line with his hands and bury his head in his curls. He shook his head, and let his eyes wander further.

She was wearing an amazing gown. Not something that looked like anything she would normally have chosen for herself. The simple elegance rather looked like something he would have chosen for her, he though dryly, yet he was sure he didn't recognise so it couldn't be an old model brought back to glory. The colour of it was an unidentifiable shimmering shade of green with blue tones. It changed with every movement she made depending on how the light was caught. From lighter green tones, to something that was deeper almost the same colour as the ocean.

He was about to move forward with a friendly greeting when Scarlett put her arm around his mother's shoulders and squeezed them lightly in an intimate gesture. The tiny motion was all it took for the emotions of the previous night to well up, and his face that moments before had been almost open and inviting, a small smile lurking at the edge of his eyes, clouded over and his face became his trademark unreadable mask.

After he had stormed from his mother house as if the fires of hell were on his feet, driven by an uncontrollable anger, he had walked the streets of Charleston. Trying to calm down, and regain some measure of control over him self. He had been so angry that hadn't he left his mothers house as quickly as he did, he was afraid that he would have smashed something or hurt someone, just to find an outlet. Instead his legs carried him, one long step at the time through the sleeping streets of Charleston. For once he didn't pause to admire the beauty of the old town and its many carefully designed houses.

He didn't understand why he had been so angry just by learning of Scarlett's presence in his mother's house. After all he had wanted her to come to Charleston and to be at the ball, so why was it so much worse for her to stay at his old childhood home compared to staying with her aunts or just showing up at the ball?

Perhaps, he had felt like his Mothers house was his haven and safe place, and having her there uninvited, somehow left less room for him there. Also, by his mother taking Scarlett under her wing she clearly showed the whole town that she approved of his bond with Scarlett, and if he couldn't reconcile with Scarlett it would be a damn sight more difficult for him to gain the sympathy of the town he so desperately needed to be able to help his mother and stay in Charleston.

Women and their meddling ways, he had cursed his mother under his breath, why couldn't she have left him to sort out his own mess.

He felt that his hands were now forced, and he hated not having the liberty to follow his own mind. Whenever people previously had tried making him follow a certain path, the most likely outcome had been for him to walk in the opposite direction.

He had wanted to meet Scarlett with an open mind to be able to figure out his own feelings, and whether he could endure another ride on the merry-go-round with her, not having lot of expectations dragged down over him.

He hated feeling trapped, and trapped he had felt standing there in his mothers living room, knowing that his wife slept just a few feet away.

It was a completely illogical reaction, which also made him mad at himself, as he knew that his kind hearted mother had probably only done what she felt was best for him. For in his hearts of hearts he knew for certain that his mother had no other things on her agenda than a genuine wish for his happiness.

After several hours of mad stalking around he had also come to realise and accept this, and had it not been so late at night then, he would have walked straight to Eleanor Butlers house offering her a sincere apology for his unacceptable behaviour.

However it had been late, to late to do any such things, instead he had resolved to be on his best behaviour this evening and meet Scarlett with his best behaviour and his mother with a deep felt apology and a plea of forgiveness.

All those good intention though, were momentarily forgotten as he saw the closeness between his parent and his wife.

What a manipulative shrewd woman his Scarlett O'Hara was, ensnaring his mother to help her trap him. For a moment he forgot that his mother had probably played an active part in getting Scarlett there, and all his pent up emotions where directed at Scarlett. It was so much easier to reason that his resentment to Scarlett were well deserved, rather than being angry at his mother towards whom he still felt a lot of guilt for leaving her to her own devices during the war and after, until his father had passed away.

So it wasn't a Rhett in a very pleasant mood that moved from his unseen observing post to greet his mother and his wife.

**A/N Well, I couldn*t resist dragging out the "pain" just a little bit longer. Hope you enjoyed and please feel free to tell me what you think....**


	14. Bittersweet and happy

**A/N - Thanks to those of you who took the time to review the previous chapter. To all of you here is another one. Hope you enjoy.**

**A/N ^2 - Some of you have pointed out some spelling/wording errors, wich I have tried to correct - thanks for taking the time to do that.**

Rhett moved quickly and noiselessly through the room, not wanting them to realise he was there before he was right in front of them. He didn't take time to greet the just arrived guests, and it caused more than one raised eyebrow. Rhett Butler however was Rhett Butler, and rude behaviour was only what could be expected from him, huffed more than one greyed lady who remembered his behaviour from before his name had been erased from the family bible.

For once he did not take the time to breathe in the eminent beauty of the restored ballroom – a small gesture that normally brought him immense pleasure and pride in his own accomplishment. The Landing was one of the things he had loved most in his childhood and youth, happy memories of long days of leisure and not a care in the world, except for where his next adventure should start. Seeing it slowly coming back from the state of ruin the war had left it in was doing him good, and also one of the few things he felt truly good about at the moment.

Everything else seemed to be so complicated.

Unconsciously also, though he would never admit it to anyone, much less himself, it also in a very small way gave him a sense of redeeming himself to his forefathers for any misdeeds he might or might not have done in the past. He hoped that if the late Mr Butler was still existing in some form somewhere in the world he would for once approve of his eldest sons actions. Not that he felt that the major part of the blame for the lifelong separation between him and his father lay on his own shoulders, but with this as with other things in his life, Rhett had realised that he had come to a point in life where he needed to make peace with himself and the past.

He wondered if that really also went for the past he shared with his black haired vixen of a wife, but pushed the thought a side. The anger that had risen in his chest by the sight of the closeness between Scarlett and his mother served as a convenient blindfold for the true answer in this matter. He wanted to know why Scarlett had come to Charleston, he guessed at the answer, but wanted for her to say it as it would tell him about any ulterior motives. She never had been a good liar.

Without further ado Rhett Butler covered the length of the room with long resolute steps and strode up to Eleanor and Scarlett, a deep frown on his brow.

He deliberately addressed his mother first. Pretending that the woman standing next to her, only inches away from him, was someone of no consequence to him, and not the woman who had occupied his thoughts every unguarded moment for the last many months. He needed just a few more seconds to prepare himself for finally being face to face with her.

"Mother" he bowed his head in a small greeting and paused for a second.

Scarlett's head jerked up at the words – she would recognise his voice every where – and she felt as if she had been hit by a lightning bolt. The entire world around her faded into the background and all she could see clearly was him. Had she been able to think straight she would have told herself off for giving into such clichés, but she couldn't help it. Later there would be time for laughter and scorn towards herself, for her acting like a love sick teenager facing her first beaux, but right now she just wanted to take in every little detail of his appearance, the cut of his hair, the fit of his suit, the wrinkles his coat made as he bend to great his mother. She looked at him intensely, trying to will him to turn to her, to see his initial reaction when he saw her there. "Look at me Rhett" her heart voicelessly sang.

Would he betray whether he was happy or displeased to see her? She hoped that the element of surprise would be enough to shake his normally blank face into displaying some sort of emotion. She had hoped that she would get to see his face immediately when he realised that she was there – but he had turned his back on her focusing, his sole attention on his mother – was it intentionally? Probably, she didn't know any man as much in control of his action and feelings as high and mighty Rhett Butler.

She drank in his appearance, as if the memory of it had to last her a lifetime and she therefore had to remember exactly how he looked tonight. How well he looked, she thought with a twinge of guilt. His body looked firm underneath his party wear, none of the puddyness of just a few months ago was left. The excess fat caused by the drinking had seemingly melted away, leaving him strong, lean and healthy looking – as he had been before the sadness and loss had grown to be his constant companion in life. He looked years younger than she remembered. And for a moment she considered how she could will him to turn to her again, when she had (unknowingly or not) been such a big part of his former state of ruin. Being away from her had definitely helped him regain his old swarthy handsome looks and muscular frame. As she stood there, an equally unwelcome thought sprang to her mind, and she wondered how she could ever have turned to anybody else when she had had this handsome man at her side. How could she have let him charge headlong down his chosen path of ruin and destruction without at least trying to stop him? Her head was blank when it came to answering that particular question, not wanting to dig too deep into old wounds.

She felt an urge to reach out to him, to make contact, to get assurance that he was real, and not another trick played on her by her mind. He had visited her so often in her dreams laterly, and she had played out the scenario so often in her mind, that she found it hard to believe what her eyes told her. She wanted to plead with him to forgive her, beg him to take her back, proving that her confession of love was not just empty words. However she strained herself at best she could, and stood with an outwardly calmness waiting for his attention, at the same time her mind was in overdrive to find the best way to handle the evening. The way that was most likely to provide the outcome that she wanted, that she needed.

At that moment her old fear of him, rejecting her felt so stupid and meaningless. What a simpleton she had been! What had she been so scared of? Why had she been so blind? Casting away the life that could have been, and instead revelling in the cage of loneliness that she had built for her self, by her stubborn love for Ashley. Of course he had never made it easy for her to love him, but if she had risked just a little bit, then perhaps they could have found a way to be happy.

She shook her head lightly and silently chided her self to stop the muddling mess in her head, the past was the past, and nothing could be done to change it. Tomorrow was another day, and it was te happiness of the days to come that she now had to fight for. "Scarlett O'Hara" she told her self sternly, mockingly, "stop being such a mindless goose or he will despise you forever". All she could do now was to hope for a chance to redeem her self, and a small voice stubbornly sang - for him to love me.

"Sorry for my sudden departure the other day, I had some vexing news" His voice bland, but he felt sure that Eleanor would understand or at least accept this simple apology of his.

He wanted to apologise to his mother, show his regret at treating her such a way. Yet he did not wan't to reveal to Scarlett, that he had been at the house only yesterday and that she, or rather her presence there, had been the disturbing news. He didn't feel like seeing her smug face if she found out how the news of her presence had caused him to storm out – as she would surely interpret such an action on his part as a sign of love. Was it? - that was what he had set out to clarify tonight, and why he had wished for her to come.

In response to his curt excuse Eleanor gave him a warm smile, that more than anything assured him that even if she did not condone his rude behaviour towards her, then perhaps she understood what had caused him to act as he did, and had forgiven him without hesitance.

He turned slowly towards Scarlett, knowing that he could not avoid her any longer, with an effort he made his face expressionless or she would have been met by angry eyes.

With his reason and logical senses he knew that the anger he felt was out of proportion with what had caused it, nevertheless his unconscious self wouldn't or couldn't let go.

His movements were deliberately slow, forcing himself to appear as though her appearance there, that ought to have been a surprise, was of no consequence to him – he knew that even if she didn't love him as she had professed back when had finally made up his mind to leave Atlanta and acted on this decison, it would rile her. That knowledge gave him an absurd pleasure... He had always enjoyed the fireworks that cracked, when Scarlett O'hara did not have things her own way.

"My dear, what a pleasure that you were able to join us after all" his Charleston drawl even more pronounced than normally. Yet his tone of voice was kept bland and devoid of feeling. Just the effect he was aiming for – detached. His closed face revealed nothing about what was going on underneath the surface. He felt her eyes burn into her skin, seeking the eye contact that he denied her.

Wanting to provoke her and perhaps tempt himself he leaned in and gave her the merest hint of a kiss on the cheek. Breathing in her sent. A hint of roses, mixed with something else.

The smell that was so uniquely her hit his senses as an unexpected assault on his cool façade, and threatened to crack it. Memories of happier days from the first year of their marriage overwhelmed him. Small almost forgotten details of tenderness and warmth that had been shared between them, few as they had been theese moments, they had for that reason been all the more precious to him and he had stored them carefully. Again he felt the urge to lean in on her and trace the long line of her neck with his lips, tasting her with his tongue surrendering all his sense to her. Taste, smell and sight.

Had she been able to catch his eyes just then it might have told her so much more than he had wanted to reveal about his very mixed feelings about her presence there and the prospect of having her back in his life as a more permanent fixture. He felt old feelings stir in his heart, but it was to early yet to give in, so he pushed the unwanted feelings away. No it was too easy, remembrance of all the hurt and rejection that she had subjected him to helped him harden his heart. He had wanted her to be there, yet dreaded the confrontation, and now… now all he felt was anger. Anger triggered by her being at his mother's side, but really he realised the anger ran much deeper, and was both directed at her and at himself, which made him even more angry at her. But anger wasn't the only emotion that played out in his heart however much he felt he needed to deny it… lust, and longing where also present. Her presence had revealed and underlined that.

He quickly regained his composure and when their eyes met, it was unreadable black that looked into her green eyes.

To a standersby his behaviour would seem completely acceptable by the social norms of the day, as public display of affections were frowned upon.

To Scarlet however his indifference was like a bucket of cold water in the head, and anger flared in her eyes. Anger fuelled by disappointment caused by the lack of emotions on display on her beloveds face. She had counted on seeing something that would give her just the faintest glimmer of hope. Not this bland nothingness?

How she hated him? However the burning sensation on her cheek where his lips had touched her belied that fact.

"My pleasure to come, congratulation on restoring the house" Her tone of voice matched his in coldness. Two could play this game and he wouldn't get the satisfaction of having her beg for his hear yet again. Once was more than enough for Scarlett O'Hara.

Eleanor eyed their little scene noticing every detail of the game that played out in front of her. She shook her head. She was more convinced than ever that there were strong feelings on both sides. But whether the two peacock would be able to keep their feathers down long enough, to actually agree on it was a completely different story. Well, she had meddled enough in their affairs, so if they ever were to find peace together they had to find the way themselves. If they had asked her, she would have told them that in her opinion they were acting like spoiled kids, but they didn't so she kept her opinion to her self.

"Can I have the pleasure of receiving the guests with you my dear Mrs Butler" Scarlett recognised the mocking insolence in his voice; apparently Miss Eleanor didn't, as she sent Scarlett a very pleased smile. Scarlett reluctantly took his proffered arm, accepting his offer.

"My pleasure Mr Butler" She gave him a smile without warmth. After all she was his wife, and it was only proper that she took her rightful place by his side.

She could feel the warmth of his skin even through the heavy fabric of his well tailored dress coat. Even this slight touch made her skin tingle, which she hoped wouldn't be noticeable for him – the shame of having such a traitorous body! Even if she at this moment felt it was inopportune to remember, her body certainly did recall exactly how his hands felt against her skin, and the sensations they created within her.

"I'll go find Rosemary" Eleanor took her departure, leaving the husband and wife to their own devices.

The majority of the guests were starting to arrive leaving no room for any further dialogue between Rhett and Scarlett, who where instead forced to smile and great every single one of the arriving guests. Scarlett smiled and curtsied trying to ignore the curious glances that she felt were cast at her from everybody who came through the entrance.

"A pleasure to see you tonight, Mrs Hensley, please let me introduce you to my wife Scarlett Butler"

"How long it has been dear Andrew, please let me introduce you to Mrs Butler, Scarlett.."

At first she tried to memorise that faces and names of the people that she was introduced to. But there were so many that they blended together into a nondescript mix, with only a few sticking out. Old faces, young faces, sad faces, happy faces. Polite and polished all of them. Gleaming diamonds sparkled at throats and ears, silk swished and heels clacked against the floor. It was enough to make everybody dissy. The men eyed her with open admiration, most of the women with a bit more formality. Some smiled genuinely to her, and returned her greeting with some warmth, other eyed her with barely concealed curiosity, and a few eyed her with open envy and smiled flirtingly to Rhett.

She didn't get any support from Rhett, he stood by her side erect and uninviting, treating her with a detached carelessness which annoyed her deeply. How could anyone be as hard headed and unfeeling as Rhett Butler. At the same time, even the most critical and scrutinizing eyes of the keenest observant, could not have guessed at the true state of their marriage. He might be detached and cold in his attitued, but still his behaviour was very polite and correct.

When the row of arriving people thinned, Rhett led her around the room greeting the guests that had arrived earlier in the evening and thus had not been properly received. He still didn't look at her, and she didn't know whether to be barking mad at him or be relieved by his behaviour, so for once she kept her smile in place and acted as she had been raised to do. At least no one in Charleston could this evening accuse her of improper behaviour.

But at least she didn't have to think about what to say to Rhett as he had not uttered a single word to her directly apart from his initial greeting, and the small talk with the guests that naturally involved her.

The constant alertness however was tiring. How exhausting this charade was. She didn't know how much longer she could stand for it. And almost felt like causing a mad scene just to force him to display some emotions.

After what seemed like hours even Rhett could not find any newcomers who hadn't been received with the proper greeting and acknowledgement.

"Well, did you enjoy that Mrs Butler" he asked a hint of the old mockery back in his voice. Much to his surprise he had enjoyed showcasing his wife to his city, another thing he was carefull to conseal from her. He had felt her eyes on him often, and yet he had kept up his indifferent attitude. It was his protection shield, and would be until the time came when he would chose to let her in, or perhaps he would never let it fall - if he came to the conclusion that he would not risk his sanity again, or that he did not love her enough to do it. Almost as much as this togeterness, he had enjoyed the curiosity that was apparent in so many eyes and voices. He was sure all had wondered and speculated about his single state of arriving back in Charleston, and not believed a word of his excuses for not bringing his wife along – most, after all, had some sort of connection to one of the members of the old guard in Atlanta. Yet here she was at his side the very wife he was rumoured to have left behind, busy tongues never tired of speculations like that.

Perhaps after all it would prove to be a good thing that Scarlett had arrived with his mother. At least, that would not cause any more tongues to wag. Scarlett in addition had been surprisingly complacent and had without argument subjected herself to his guidance – being steered around, smiled and responded to all the people he introduced her to. Also, being close to her without being in actual conversation with her, had calmed his temper, and he felt that it was time to dive into what would surely be an interesting conversation.

She cast him a sour glance, but thought better of it and forced her face into a sugary sweet expression. She also felt calmer now; somehow an almost homely feeling had been created. And though she knew it to be nothing but a frail illusion, she decided to enjoy it while it lasted.

"Well of course Rhett, but you know my throat is all parched up from all this speaking. I must admit I cannot compliment you on the service provided so far… where can a girl get something to drink around here?"

"Your wish is my command" He smiled at her and led her to the bar at the side of the ballroom next to the largest of the doors leading out to the garden.

An old negro servant, who had never defected from the Butler service, stood guard at the bar. He was decked out in his old livery that had been dusted of for the occasion and repaired with neat invisible stitched where time or insects had worn it out. He was tonight serving punch or a glass of champagne to all the thirsty guests, a job he took great pride in. He had also occupied this very job back in the days where he had been the property of the owner of the place, and not as he was now, payed for his services. Had anyone cared to ask him, he would have told them that this very day, that meant so much to the guests here, also was an important day for him, he to enjoyed seeing the country side come back to life.

A couple of gentlemen had retired to the bar as well, either not wanting to dance, or in the case of the younger members of the group, perhaps needing the courage of the punch before asking their favourite lady for a turn on the dance floor. All were deeply engrossed in a conversation, probably on the topic of racehorses, judging by the odd word that reached the ears of Scarlett, as she waited for Rhett to hand her a glass of the punch.

She took the glass from him and sipped at the bubbling liquid within, the bubbles hit her palate in a burst of flavours, and she couldn't hold back a giggle. Her eyes wide open with a startled look, dark eyebrows creating to perfectly rounded arches above.

"What do they make this from, it tastes divinely" She smiled at him, a real smile that for once reached her eyes and made them twinkle. Forgetting her intention of being aloof and unattainable as she got caught up in the joy at being at a real party once again. A real party where she had her prince charming at her side no less.

Her sudden outburst of childish happiness was contagious, and he couldn't help but adapt her easy going tone. When had they last been anything near this comfortable together? When had they had any fun at all together? So who was he to deny them this respite? Didn't they both need a break from the misery of the past years? The difficult confrontation that was bound to come, could be postponed by an hour or two couldn't it?

He smiled at her.

"Well Mrs Butler, I should have warned you" He winked at the old servant who smilingly handed Rhett a glass of the bubbling liquid of his own.

"You know, this punch is not an ordinary punch, but a punch made from a long legacy of Butlers. Legend has it that the original recipe was brought over from England, by my great, great, great grandfather, who more than a century ago had to leave England…" He paused

"Ahem… Rather quickly – I could tell you the details, but I fear that the cause of his sudden departure is not classified as fit for ballroom conversation" The last bit was uttered in a stage whisper.

"Half the fleet of England was on his heels, and he barely had time to pack up his belongings, in actual fact, he didn't bring much apart from a sac of gold he had picked up god knows where, and a scroll of parchment that didn't contain anything but this simple recipe for punch"

Scarlett looked at him, her eyes slightly narrowed in disbelief, yet amused by the sudden change of atmosphere between them. She didn't know what had caused it, nor did she care very much, all that mattered was that he was at last being pleasant to her. And no one could be more pleasant to be around, than Rhett Butler in a good mood.

"Rhett Butler, you are pulling my leg now, what kind of dim wit do you take me for" She chatted him lightly on the arm with her fan, and smiled letting her dimples show – she still mastered all the studied moves of a coquettish southern belle even if it had been years and years since the last time she had had the chance to practice.

"I swear Madame, it is the truth" He adapted a strange accent that was somewhere between British and French, made a mocking cross my heart motion with his hand and then hooked his arm with hers, motioning her away from the bar.

"To honour the arrival of Butler folks on the shores of this Land, all subsequent generations have added their own little extra twist to the original recipe, making the final concoction rather spicy – so better not be to hasty with emptying your glass, though I must admit it does taste divinely"

"What do you suggest our addition should be?" he added, and then realised what his words implied. His eyes darkened over for a minute. How foolish he acted. Was he really going to submit himself this easily to another ride round Scarlett's merry go round?

Unusually apt for Scarlett, she perceived the impending change in her companion's mood. However not quite ready to let go of the easygoingness of just a moment before she hastened to change the subject, and not comment on his slip of tongue, though it brought her great joy to know that at least part of him contemplated a future with her.

"Come on Rhett, let's dance – you know it is ages and ages since I have been dancing anywhere, let alone at a fancy ball like this, so please can we?"

Sensing her intention and will for light heartedness he relented, and pushed his dark thoughts into a faraway corner of his mind. At least she hadn't used his slip of tongue as a way to trap him into any admissions or promises, and for that she deserved some credit didn't she?

He slipped his arm around her waist and let her out onto the dance floor where the first tunes of a starting waltz had pairs of two streaming onto the floor. Some flushed from a walk in the park, others a little light headed from a visit to many to the punch bowl, all however looked as though they were having a good time. Only a few old matrons kept to their seat, casting suspicious glances, at what they thought of as the frivolity of youth.

Their bodies moved together, a perfect fit as always. They both knew they made a handsome couple on the dance floor and revelled in the attention they were sure to receive.

Rhett smiled as he noticed Rosemary being let onto the dance floor by some sturdy colonel who was sure to tread on her feet until they were red and blue, and on top of that most probably entertain her with a detail recounting of his days at the frontier. He had enjoyed spending some time alone with her over the past weeks, and hoped she would enjoy the evening. He also hoped that perhaps she could find someone who could take the haunted look out of her eyes that she had when she thought no one was looking.

"What are you smiling at" Scarlett's voice interrupted his chain of thoughts.

He shook his head slightly

"Nothing in particular my dear, just how good it is to finally see some life back at the plantation"

She smiled at him, she new exactly how he felt. And for a moment she just let herself be swept away by the dance and the sensation of comfort and security, which enveloped her as they followed the flow of the music with their skilled steps.

"You look beautiful tonight Scarlett" his voice was serious, but a hint of mischief in his eyes.

"You don't clean up to badly yourself, Rhett" The dance made her fell mellow, and relaxed, a dreamy look that he remembered only to well from the past crept into her eyes.

He knew that it was probably not thoughts of the once so coveted Ashley Wilkes that was on his mind, but still it nagged him.

Without thinking the question that gnawed at him, popped out of his mouth.

"Why did you come to Charleston Scarlett?"


	15. Interference

Unnoticed by the former Belle of Clayton County she along with her dancing partner was the centre of attention for everyone at the ball. All eyes had more or less discretely followed Mr and Mrs Butler's entrée onto the dance floor. Amongst the sea of dancers this couple stood out – and would even without their scandalous story have caught the attention of the guests. All whether they would admit it or not had heard some rumour of the Butler marriage and had wondered about the absence of the Youngest Mrs Butler and consequently drawn their own conclusions. This sudden appearance of the presumably estranged wife had of course led to additional speculations. And their curiosity had been stirred by the Wife at her husband's side for receiving guests, and now as the couple took to the floor; even more nutrition was given to lively imaginations and tongues altogether too eager to embrace a chance for whispering rumours behind lifted fans.

All had to admit that they made a stunning couple.

The handsome Charlestonian gentleman who gave an air of danger and adventure that stirred something indefinable in even the most hardened of the ladies present. Even those who had been harshest with their critique of his earlier behaviour would if forced to tell the true admit that Rhett Butler was an intriguing man, the younger ladies in the room had for the most part made him into some renegade hero in their youthful fantasies of an ideal man – nothing better to foster imagination than scandalous rumours combined with dashing good looks.

And that was only the man.

All the men present was in agreement that Scarlett Butler was indeed one fine piece of a woman, slender yet full figure and a way to fling her hair and flutter her eyelashes that made the blood rush in a mans veins. Not that they would ever dare to openly discuss one of the ladies belonging to their ring off social acquaintances with anyone else amongst their friends, but a man had to be mighty cold blooded if not one or to indecent thoughts of Mrs Butler would flash through their mind.

All this however went unnoticed by the dancing couple.

Scarlett's mind was slowly taking in her husband's question. She didn't feel like speaking just yet, she was far to busy savouring the feel of Rhett's warm hands on her body, even if it was just in a very decent and rigid hold for dancing. She closed her eyes trying to block out his words – rustling silks and tapping feet were the only sounds she cared to hear in this instance - perhaps if she kept her eyes closed the world would magically transform and she could be locked in his embrace forever.

Rhett however who had been in a vexing mood all day, felt that the semi silence provided by his wife gnawed at him. Tense from the anticipation of seeing Scarlett again and short tempered after the encounter at his mothers residence the previous evening did not exactly call out his overbearing patient side so he felt the urge to drone on, on the subject he had just initiated. Deep down he knew it was unreasonable and that he also wanted to enjoy another moment of peace, however at the same time he also felt that it was crucial for him to demonstrate that it was HE who controlled the situation and that it was really of no significant consequence to him that she had chosen to show up at his party unannounced.

So stubbornly he repeated the question:

"Why did you come to Charleston, Scarlett?" A hint of impatience clear in his voice.

Savouring the sound of her name on his lips, ignoring the tenseness of his voice, she kept her eyes closed for another brief moment, and then forced herself to open them slowly, lifting her gaze until her eyes met his.

"Why? Does it matter?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact it does"

Even he could hear the ill concealed anger in his tone of voice. He didn't want to let the anger flow, knew it to be unreasonable, but in some twisted way he felt that anger would be the best protection he had against her. He needed a little bit of breathing space to clear his mind and to sort out what he wanted. He had let her come to close already - dancing and his silly little tale of his forefathers and the punch.

Why did she still have this affect on him?

He was slowly accepting that his feelings for her were not as dead as he had previously proclaimed, this knowledge had been creeping up on him from the moment he had left her, and holding her in his arms tonight only made it more apparent, but why did loving Scarlet have to come at such a high price? Was he willing to pay the price of loosing himself again? Risk loosing control of his life?

A small voice insistently tried to point out that there weren't anything to great about his life just now, and perhaps a little bit of Scarlett might shatter the numbing shell that always seemed to envelope him and actually make him feel completely alive again, but he quelled it with an imperceptible shrug and a blink of his eyes.

So without consciously deciding to do so - he did as he always had, pushed her away before she came to close.

Thus retracting the possibility for her to speak for herself, he put the words in her mouth. Malicious words that he knew would sting, whether they were true or not.

He lifted an eyebrow, making his face and features adopt his mocking attitude.

"No my dear, don't bother to answer – I know perfectly well why you've come. For some reason the mighty glorious Ashley Wilkes have completely lost his sheen, and as only rotten eggs are available for you at the doorsteps of Atlanta high society, you concocted this little devious plan to try and get into my graces. Amazing what you will do just to avoid being alone in your own company for too long – but I guess it is understable." His voice was soft and silky, but she who had been at the receiving end of his barbs numerous times, new that this was a voice only used in his most dangerous moods.

He sent her out at arms length, still keeping the dance going – and pulled her closer again, leaning closer to her ear and saying in something akin to a whisper. His breath warm on her earlobe – though the words did not contribute to the warmness.

"But you are wasting your breath my dear – God knows – as you can se I am doing absolutely fine on my own. And have no urge to save you from your exclusion from society of Atlanta, I am also quite convinced, that if you look closer – you must be able to rediscover some of Mr Wilkes more favourable character traits, after all you've been seeing him with rosy glasses for so long, that you MUST be able to muster as much" His dark eyes bore into hers, revealing nothing of what was going on underneath their surface.

Withdrawing a little bit from the rather tight embrace he held her in he continued.

"Though I must admit I am a bit curious as to what you would actually do if I were to accept your – ahem – proposal of joining me as my wife in more than name"

Had she looked carefully she might have seen a glimmer of hope and fearful curiosity as he uttered his last words, but the flicker of real emotions was gone as quickly as it had erupted, and all that was left was his harsh words, and his black boring eyes that if anything held a look of slight indifference.

"Though as you are probably aware – Charleston is not really lacking in beautiful and…. _Inviting_ women who makes your proposal less interesting or necessary – however despite your age no one can deny that you are still a mighty fine piece of female" He continued as though on an afterthought, adding just another malicious edge to his previous statement and let his eyes wander over her body in the most insulting way he could master.

Scarlett felt her heart cringe at the same time as her blood started boiling. Damn him, damn Rhett Butler. He could go to Halifax and stay there with the rest of the snotty inhabitants of his good damn stuck up city. She didn't need him or anyone else for that matter, but if that was true why did his snide comments hurt as much?

All of a sudden the air in the ballroom seemed too heavy and scented for her to breathe properly – her airways felt constricted by the combined impact of warm air and Rhett's mean words. The slight smell of flowers mixed with the heavier scent of the women's perfumes, which a moment ago had seemed to add just the right amount of decadence to the atmosphere now all of a sudden made her nauseous.

Old memories from scenes much like this flashed before her eyes. Why did he always have to ruin any good moments they had with some biting comment. Did he really suspect that here motives was as calculated as he had just stated, or did he do it on purpose just to hurt her. She newer seemed to be able to learn to understand Rhett and his inner musing.

"No" she muttered barely audible.

"What?" he questioned – still a slight mocking expression lingering in his eyes.

"No" she repeated – a bit more strongly but still no louder than it was only him who could hear her.

"No – I won't let you do that again".

She stopped abruptly mid motion as if realising something – causing one or two other dancers in addition to several of the onlookers to raise an eyebrow at this disturbance of the dance rhythm.

She disentangled from his dance hold and put a gloved hand on his coat sleeve.

"Remember something you once said to me" She paused and looked directly into his eyes before continuing with a for Scarlett unnatural calmness.

"It hurts to see you throw something away that could so easily make you happy while grasping after something that will never make you so – well, Rhett Butler – who is throwing what away now?? I am trying to learn and make up for past mistakes – what about you??"

She held his gaze for just a split second longer and then slowly turned and walked away from him, her back erect, her chin at a perfect 90 degree angle to her neck, and her steps calm and even. Though inwardly she was trembling, from the effort of keeping calm in spite of her urge to spit and rage at the world for its unfairness, and also from the immense sadness of knowing that she had lost.

She felt she had just played her only semi good card in what she felt would be a loosing hand.

Coming here to Charleston she had thought she could stand the fight, stand his coldness – and fight against it indefinitely until he would finally yield to her persistence. But only now she realised that that was not an option, either he would relent to her now – at least in the form of a polite truce – or she would have to go. She didn't know where, and her heart was breaking at just the thought of doing so. She just felt with almighty clarity felt that fighting for Rhett with her heart on her sleeve, against his wall of indifferent malicious mockery was more than she was ready to stand for. She would end up hating him or slowly crumbling from the inside, and she wanted neither. She felt a moment's disgust for her own weakness, but then decided to let it go – she would either win him or find some other way to live without him.

She had lived without requited love for so long – she could do it again. Her heart shuddered from the thought of barren loveless years stretching out in front of her. But with her natural strength of mind she pushed the thought away. She couldn't think of it now, or she would break.

One thing worse than showing her weakness to Rhett would surely be to let all the old geese of Charleston see her as a broken women, which was enough for her to steady herself and continue as if nothing was amiss. Her mothers educating words, and Mammy's loving scolding once rang through her, and her back was straightened just that tiny bit further.

So she kept her calm face – pretending to just needing a breath of fresh air. She felt their eyes on her back, but she was sure they could not find anything wrong with her outward appearance, and any new gossip that the old croons would already have started based on her leaving her husband behind on the dance floor would be quelled at the root. Dying like an unnurtured fire would die from lack of air to keep it alive.

She was almost there, at the doorway to freedom. The glass doors opening out into the dark night promised her some peace and quiet. The garden would provide a place for her to get full control over herself again, before she would have to go back and face the rest of the evening. Also she had to cook up an excuse to Rhett's mother for what would be an early morning departure.

A new year – a new beginning. She huffed at the irony.

1874 – She definitely hoped it would turn out to be more promising than the previous year. Well by no means it could turn out to be worse, of that she was optimistically sure, even given her current situation. Hopefully to lose your child, your dearest friend and twice lose a love is something that only befalls a person once in their life.

As she set her foot outside on the gravel she felt a strong urge pulling at her to turn around – to get a glimpse of how Rhett had reacted to her departure – but she felt that it might be her undoing. If she saw something else than what her heart so strongly wished for she might not be strong enough to keep the tears at bay– and seeing something that would actually bring her comfort she feared was a not too likely scenario.

She kept her pace calm and her back upright until the lights from the ballroom that streamed out of the large windows was nothing but a faint glow. Only then she let herself slump and her face crumbled into a sorrowful grimace full of anguish and pain. She felt the tears well up in her eyes, and as she was sure that she was all alone she let them flow, not caring about the damage it would do to her face. Hard silent sobs shook her body as she slowly wandered deeper into the garden, her only companion the soft moonlight that cast its silvery glow over the trees and bushes.

Her anguish were a mixture of self pity and a genuine heartfelt sadness over the loss of her love anew – mixed with regret of all the past chances she had unknowingly let slip, and had steered her unveeringly to this point in time where she was now.

She found a lone abandoned bench, partially hidden by unkempt branches from a nearby shrub, and flung herself down on its mossy surface – not caring if she would ruin her dress – completely giving in to the emotions flowing through her.

----""""""----

For a moment he stood frozen after Scarlett's departure. Her words had struck a nerve with him, but he had no intention of letting anyone guess the nature of the quiet conversation he just had with his wife. His eyes followed her exit and when she disappeared out of the door he stared at the empty entrance for just a second longer than necessary before letting his gaze sweep the room to divine the impact of her exit.

No one however openly let on that anything out of the ordinary had just happened.

Letting his eyes flow further he caught his mothers gaze. A stern look and a not to pleasing frown was what she sent his way, she obviously had not been fooled by the calm nature of their exchange and by the looks of it she blamed him for the untimely exit of his wife.

Damn Scarlett, damn her to hell – why did she always have to make things so complicated for him – he breathed in and made his way to the drinks bar – this time for something a little more fortifying than the punch. He knew he would have to go find her eventually, but first of all he needed to reflect on the words she had tossed at him.

He had wanted her to come – yet not wanted her to know that. And now that she was here he had had to acknowledge that his heart was not as sealed to her as he had earlier professed. But he was still in a clear conflict as to whether or not he wanted her to know that. All the while her words resonated through his mind – was he really doing what he had once accused her of? Throwing away happiness that was so easily within his grasp?

But what if it was all just a trick – what if she would turn from him as she had so many times before once she had him where she wanted?

Could he survive another rebuff from her? Could he risk losing his heart and his sanity yet again? Would he be able to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart once more if she tired of him? Did he even have a choice?

He emptied his glass with a flick of his wrist and asked for a refill.

A soft hand on his arm disturbed his thoughts, for a second he thought it was Scarlett who had returned but turning around he realised it was his mother. He nodded his head in greeting.

She gave him a small smile, yet her eyes were far from smiling, and gestured for him to follow.

Loudly, probably for the benefit of their guest, she said.

"Rhett my dear, can't you give me a small tour of the house, it's been so long and I want you to show me all the places that has been fixed up and helping me avoid the rooms that haven't yet"

At a tone of voice meant for his ears only she added.

"What did you say to her?"

As he didn't answer she gave him another stern look but held her tongue until they had left the crowded ballroom and was in a place where they could speak a bit more freely.

As her son still did not indicate any willingness to speak she took the lead herself.

"I love you Rhett you know that, but contrary to you, love has not made me blind, and it is hurting my eyes to see the way the two of you behaves. I know you probably think that I am overstepping any possible boundary by broaching this subject with you. But enough is enough and even if you will never speak to me again I have to try" Eleanor Butler rarely was, but when she chose to she could be refreshingly blunt and to the point.

She cast him a sideways glance but continued without giving him a chance to interrupt.

"I've seen you Rhett – perhaps not that often – but still with regular enough intervals to know a little bit about what have been going on in your life for the past years. I remember your stolen visits during the war. To begin with you had a care for nothing recklessness about you that worried me. My heart was sad that you had not found a place to settle down, or rather that you had found no one to love – for I knew better than anyone how much you deserved love. Gradually however I perceived a change in you – not that you ever openly admitted anything, but call it motherly instinct, I knew that something or rather someone had changed your view of the world"

She squeezed his arm tenderly, and felt his tenseness and his reservation. She recognised the stubbornness he had inherited from his father, this shielding of emotions from the world. His father had been a hard man to love, but she had loved him, and been happy for the greatest part of their marriage, though the shunning of their eldest son from their home had been something she had never forgiven him for, but she had understood that he had been a result of the world he had been brought up in, just as the son that now stood before him was a result of his upbringing and the blows that life had dealt him. The older Mr Butler had never relented to any of her pleas for inviting their son back in the family and she knew that he had inwardly suffered all kinds of anguish because of this, but to his death day he had been ruled by pride and stubbornness. Because of this stubborn shield he had kept over his emotions, he had not been a happy man. Always thinking more of what the world saw, than what would make him happy. She only hoped that she would be able to crack a hole in the armour of her son's shield, as Rhett seemed to be on a track not unlike his fathers, a track that was sure to bring him no joy or happiness either. Damn those stubborn Butler men, too god damn stubborn for their own good.

"It wasn't clear signs that you gave away, no specific details or even a name, only a smile here, a glint in your eyes whenever the conversation touched on your frequent trips and prolonged stays in Atlanta, and something in the tone of your voice when you spoke of a small household that you often visited in at Atlanta – but it was enough. This gleam in your eyes had grown stronger between each of your visits here. I was waiting patiently for your announcement, but nothing came, even though your love had clearly not died away. I wondered at this hesitance on your side, and hoped that you would allow yourself to give in to the feelings at some point. The reason for this hesitance I later found out was of a more pragmatic nature, the girl had married again and I saw how it tormented you – all the same as you were unable to let go of her completely. It puzzled me greatly why you had let anyone beat you to her, and I felt like shaking your father for I blamed him for this reluctance in you to show your true colours"

She paused again – looking for some signs that her words were sinking in. But the complicated man at her side that was her son did not give anything away. A blank unrelenting face the only answer she received – she nevertheless took it as an encouraging answer that he had not run away but was at least willing to hear her out.

"Then all of a sudden news of your wedding reached my door, and I knew that something had happened, so you could finally have your girl – and my heart sang out in joy for you. My dearest son who had had to shoulder so much of life on his own had finally found someone worthy of sharing the burden with. Even if it hurt me that I was not able to attend your wedding and see her for myself I decided to think of her as worthy, after all she had been able to take the step that you at a very early age proclaimed you would never take"

"Learning of your wedding was one of the happiest days of my life" She smiled sadly in remembrance.

"My joy was not forever, for you never brought her to visit. You came yourself only a few times – and I sensed that all was not as happy as I had hoped. Something was not right, though you never spoke a word of it. Again it was just a hint of bitterness in you voice, and the smallest twist of sadness in your eyes. Loved her however you still did, so I hoped that you would eventually be able to sort it out between you. Rumours travels fast as you know, and of course rumours about my daughter in law also reached my ear – she supposedly – pardon me for being so frank – had a romantic interests outside of the marriage. I of course refused to listen to such nonsense and therefore never learned of the details of these stories. Time went by, you were clearly not as happy as I hoped, but you loved her, of that I was sure. Then there was Bonnie..."

He flinched visibly as she spoke the name.

She gave him a look of pity, but decided to continue unaffected.

"…and I hoped that she would be the solution to your troubles. But it seemed not as you came here to visit, with her as the only company – I sensed that something had happened with your relationship with Scarlett – something that had made you finally give up. However it didn't trouble me as much as it had previously, for now you had your daughter. And what a joy it was to see the two of you together"

Eleanor felt her voice thicken at the mention of the granddaughter that no longer was, but leaving her out would help no one.

"Then disaster struck, my hope was, that this devastating loss would somehow unite you and Scarlett, but my brief visit around the funeral clearly told me otherwise"

She paused again, as if contemplating which words to best use in order to get her meaning through.

"and then… then you came here. I've never seen you look so lost before. I wanted to help you but knew that my love was not the one you needed. I secretly raged at Scarlett for letting you go like this, hated her for not loving you as she ought to, and I hoped that you would be able to heal yourself and find some comfort in an uncommitted life here in Charleston. However I soon realised, that though you physically healed – some wounds was not yours to heal on your own"

"So I did what I thought – and still thinks – for the best. I interfered. I made sure that Scarlett came here. In part because I sensed that you despite all still needed to see her again. If for nothing else then at least to get her out of your system or perhaps you would be able find some common ground to start over. Last but not least also in part because I was curious as to whom this girl that had such a hold over you for the past many years actually was"

She paused yet again. A look of immense sadness in her eyes. She gently patted his arm urging him to meet her eyes. As he slowly lifted his gaze she saw the same sadness in his, eyes but also other things, confusion, disbelief, fear, loneliness. He looked so like a small lost boy that her heart was breaking for him. So big and strong yet so fragile. The wonders of human nature that we can believe us untouchable and without the need for someone to rely on, she thought and gave a small sigh before letting herself continue.

"I must admit Rhett that I genuinely like her, I was definitely not prepared to do so but I do. She fascinates me, she seems so alive, so tough, yet she definitely is not as tough as she likes us all to believe. So I like her in part because I find her interesting, but also and no less, because after seeing her, I can see that she definitely love you… She might not have loved you before, but know she does. She is just as stubborn as you are Rhett, yet she took a leap of faith and came her, didn't she? I see it in the way her eyes sparkle only when you are around, and many other small signs. Yes she definitely loves you. And you love her too don't you Rhett?"


	16. Confrontation

The gravel crunched under his rapid strides as he moved along the garden path. Fists curled. Face scrunched up in an angry scowl. He was oblivious to the beauty of the surroundings on this surprisingly warm December night, at the turn of a new year.

The only thing he could think of was the recent conversation he had had with his mother – scolding more like it – even if it had been done ever so politely.

Damn her, damn his interfering mother

Bloody interfering woman, if she hadn't been his mother… ooh how he would have loved coming up with all kinds of nasty names for her. Enjoying a chance to give his temper and sharp tongue a free rein, but even at his angriest he would never lose his temper enough to let it run wild when she was around. He was, even now, glad that he had been able to control it to the extend that he had, though at the time he had felt the strongest urge to let go and vent his frustration. Instead he had willed himself to leave before he had lost control, and said something he was sure to regret later.

Nevertheless bloody interfering female like all the rest of them.

What was it with women that they always felt like they had the right to meddle in other peoples business? Why couldn't she have left him alone? And by this she he was actually unclear as to whether he meant his mother or his wife.

Damn them, Damn them both to hell.

Worst part was that she was right, his damn mother had seen through him so clearly. But that didn't mean that he was altogether more pleased by her words.

He kicked the small stones in frustration, sending them flying in every direction.

Bloody interfering woman – and yet annoyingly in the right. He knew he had not treated Scarlett very well this evening. His subconscious had been painfully aware of that fact even as he had uttered the words and it nagged at him. Of course this only made it harder to have it thrown in his face by someone else. Even if that someone else was his beloved mother.

Damn her!

How dared she, she ought to have been on his side, a small voice that tried to redeem him to himself insisted. But he knew that was unfair. A toddler might expect unfaltering loyalty from his mother, but he had long since outgrown that right, and he knew that his mothers scolding had come from a loyal loving heart, even if she was no longer blind to his faults.

Mixed with his anger was also the shame of yet again having caused pain to his mother. She deserved a carefree life with only small worries, and yet again and again he kept avoiding the path that would ensure that at least she wouldn't have to worry about him.

You love her still his mother had said. Pronounced as a question, yet she had said it in away that made it sound more like she was stating an all too obvious fact.

And she was right, of course she was right.

How could he not love her still, his damned beautiful headstrong wife? An altogether different question was whether he was ready to admit it to her? To his Mother? To the world? To himself? So far he had acknowledged the fact that the feelings were still there, but there was a far cry between that acknowledgement and ACTUALLY admitting love.

Admitting it would mean going back to the life he had run away from not so long ago. Facing all the memories. Living with the ghosts of the past.

He involuntarily shuddered at the mere thought.

He wasn't sure that he was ready to do that yet.

Oh it was hopeless. He was in a pinch.

He knew that he wanted Scarlett but he also knew he wasn't ready to give into her yet – knowing that it would surely only lead to heart ache.

Whoever decided that men and women were fit to live together should have their head examined!

On the other hand, another voice nagged him, was his mother right in thinking that he would be worse off without Scarlett? He wanted to defy that notion; in his head bringing up the last few months as proof. He had been doing far better during these months than during the preceding years of so called matrimonial bliss.

But you love her still, the first voice pointed out – and she claims that she loves you. Couldn't it be different now? This time he supposedly would not be alone with his love. He wouldn't be a tormented lover who had to guard his every step but someone who would actually love and be loved in return.

He sighed, split between a sudden urge to give into this image that his mind was rapidly painting for him – an image of a golden future with Scarlett - yet not trusting that it could be true.

He again kicked the gravel in frustration, sighing heavily. He was a grown man, not some silly school boy experiencing his first love, who knew nothing of life. He had been used to managing by himself, controlling his own life, not depending on anybody else for so long. Therefore the possibility to finally give into someone else was a leap of faith that he honestly didn't know if he would be able to take. During his and Scarlett's marriage he had always stood back from taking this step by excusing himself with her lack of feeling. This reluctance to show his true colours had – he grudgingly admitted - probably been part of the problem. If… If they were to start over he knew he had to let go, it would be all or nothing and it scared him.

He hated feeling like this. Losing control over his world. Being at the mercy of his surroundings. Losing sight of the path to tread.

As one who was used to the game of manipulating others, he didn't take it too kindly when others subjected him to the same routine. And he felt that right now he was being manipulated with by Scarlett, by his mother, by fate?

Rhett paused on his path, turned around and looked back up at the old house. He wondered for a second if the old walls would have been able to give him any guidance, had they been able to speak! They at least had seen heartbreak and the outcome before – happy as well as sad. He briefly considered going back to the house and find his mother, confess his confusion to her, and seek both the consolation and guidance from her that he had rejected by his rather abrupt departure. He dismissed it just as briefly, deep down he knew that he would never be able to open up that much to her. Also, her consolation was not what he wanted.

He knew that he had to find Scarlett. Find her, explain himself, offer some sort of excuse. Just now though, his head was too fogged with anger and confusion, so they would probably only end up in another fight. A fight where they would once again, as so many times before, hurl angry words at each other, with no other purpose than simply inflicting as much hurt in the soul of the other as possible. And he didn't want that tonight. One of the reasons he had left her, was that he was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of pretending, tired of so goddamnit many things that he couldn't numerate them just now. And though some of the fatigue had left him, and his body once again was strong and lean, he still felt tired to the heart.

So for now, he felt that perhaps it would be wiser to let Scarlett be Scarlett. At least for a little while longer. Just long enough for him to gather some measure of control over his unruly emotions. With another glance back up at the well lit ballroom he considered his duties as host which he was so rudely neglecting just now. He knew that he had to get back to the party soon, or his absence would be noticed and linked with the departure of his wife, not long before his. Tongues would start wagging.

Well let them, he sighed to himself. Suddenly not caring about what some stuck up old crone would say about him behind his back. They all thought he was a scandalous creature anyway. No matter how much he tried to redeem himself in the eyes of society, he knew that, as once an outcast, he would always be branded in the eyes of most.

Either that or Eleanor would find some way to explain the curious absence of the host and his wife. At least he added with a wry grin to himself the punch was strong enough to make people believe in the oddest stories – so given his mother's lively imagination, it wasn't hard to imagine her coming up with some plausible excuse.

So Rhett Butler turned his back to the house with its glowing windows and wandered off into the soft darkness. In search of what he was wasn't really sure. Perhaps just a little bit of the peace and quiet he believed that he so needed.

------""""""""------

A soft rustle in the branches made Scarlett look up.

The darkness was getting denser as the clouds had momentarily gathered around the moon blocking out her light. She looked in the direction of the sound, hoping that it had been just a bird out on a nightly venture as company was definitely the last thing she wanted.

She didn't know how long she had been hidden in her little secluded corner of the world. The night air that had seemed so warm and balmy was now starting to show a hint of a chill, and she shuddered as a light breeze touched her barred skin. Her eyes had dried up, leaving only the salty tracks on her cheeks and a slight puffiness around her eyes as an outward sign of her anguish. She would definitely have to visit the ladies parlour before she was to join the party again. She was in no mood to smile and dance anymore this evening, but at least for Eleanor's sake she had to put on the pretences and smile the night away as if nothing was amiss. Luckily, she thought, surprising herself that it even mattered to her now, she weren't one of those girls whose eyes would turn red, and face blotched from crying. Possibly Rhett and perhaps Eleanor as well would be able to look through her mask, but Rhett clearly wouldn't care, and Eleanor. Well she could always talk to Eleanor tomorrow before leaving… Though, what she should say she didn't know. One thing was admitting defeat to herself, quite another thing would be to admit it out loudly to someone else. Perhaps it would be easier to just leave before anyone could ask any questions. Well. First of all she would have to get through this evening…

Again the rustling of branches disturbed her thoughts. She squinted her eyes, in an effort to penetrate the darkness. But to no avail, she could only make out the closest bushes; the rest disappeared into a wall of darkness. Instead she cast an angry glance up at the still hidden moon, she wanted to know, who or what dared disturb her little refuge.

As she was robbed of her sight she instead focused her whole attention towards the place from where the sound had erupted, and sure enough, if she strained her ear, she could hear the soft ruffling of somebody's feet treading the gravel path.

She gave an annoyed gruff, she hadn't thought that anybody would venture this far into the garden. Hopefully it would only be one of the servant, and not somebody who would start plaguing her with questions or idle chit chat that she didn't want to engage in. Or better yet, perhaps the person would not even find her. Hell she had a hard time making out her surroundings; and the bench she was sitting on was nearly hidden by bushes growing untended by a gardeners caring touch. Unless the approaching person had inherited the night vision of a cat, he or she was most likely not faring any better.

As if to prove this point, a loud tirade of swear words penetrated the noiseless darkness. The person had – it seemed - stubbed his foot on an unseen stone in the darkness. For a moment she felt like a naughty girl hiding from Mammy or her father. She put her hand to her mouth not wanting her involuntary snorted giggle at the strangeness of the situation to be heard by anyone. Her giggle however soon faded away as she recognised the voice of the other person in the darkness. No doubt about it. It was Rhett.

Damn Rhett Butler.

What the devil was he doing here, obviously not looking for her or he would have been calling her name.

For a brief second she felt panicky. She didn't want to be found here, especially not by him. Contemplating her situation, she saw no route of escape. She had followed the same path as him to get here, and had seen no other alternatives to this route. She considered running away, but she didn't have his ability to move silently like an Indian on a warm hunting trail, and rapidly dismissed that idea. Even if she had been able to move silently in the darkness, the wide skirt of her ball gown would surely hinder any such venture. No he would surely hear her attempted escape, and catch her. So she better just stay put, and muster as much dignity as possible. She just hoped that the darkness would camouflage the extend of the sorrow she had just let flow.

------""""""""------

"Hello Rhett" her voice rang clear in the darkness. She heard him stop dead in the tracks, almost stumbling. Rhett, who was never clumsy, had been caught off guard, and had been off balanced by the mere sound of her voice – how ironic.

"Scarlett" There was a hesitant note to his voice that she did not fail to notice. Clearly he had wanted company just as little as she had.

Her company or company in general she silently questioned herself.

Perhaps she should just have kept silent, praying that he would not have discovered her in her semi hidden hiding place. Most likely though he would have noticed her eventually, and at least this way she had the upper hand in that she had surprised him with her presence not the other way around.

Guessing where she had taken her seat he slowly approached her.

"So this is where you have been hiding" His voice was flat and drawling, void of any emotions. Inwardly she cursed Rhett and his stone grip on his emotions. Why could he never let on what was on his mind.

"Don't tell me you've been looking for me, my dear husband" She applauded herself on hitting just the right blend of mockery and disbelief.

He paused in the darkness in front of her. She could make out his tall form and his white shirt seemed to glow compared to the grey muddle of colours that otherwise ruled the world at this late hour. But his facial expressions where hidden by the darkness, and she was left none the wiser about his mood. Would he rile her again as he had done earlier, or had his stroll cooled his temper?

"No – I must admit – madam you caught me quite off guard" he reluctantly answered, though a hint of mockery was definitely creeping into his tone of voice. Considering his next moved he eyed her small figure, wondering what was on her mind.

"Can I sit" He gestured at the empty space on the bench next to her, deciding to leave the mockery behind.

She nodded. Not sure whether he could see her small movement, she also added a small yes, in acceptance.

He slid down lightly on the stone bench next to her.

"Are you cold" he asked after a short pause in which neither had ventured any topic of conversation.

She shook her head belying the fact that the night air was starting to make her feel rather chilly. Nevertheless he removed his dress coat and carefully slung it around her shoulders.

"Thank you" She closed her eyes as she let the warmth of the coat, his warmth, sweep over her. She pulled the coat tighter around her.

"I guess it was colder than I realised"

After that neither spoke for the longest time. Trying to divine was the other was thinking, not wanting to be the first to volunteer any of his or her sentiments, for fear of either revealing too little or too much of what was going on in their heads and hearts.

Scarlett was the first to disturb the silence. She sighed deeply before speaking up. In a way it felt oddly comforting to sit here in the semi darkness next to Rhett, simply being satisfied with silence. Yet at same time a growing sense of impatience stirred within her, she knew that she had to get some sort of answer from him about his actual thoughts on the topic that nevertheless hovered between them.

Where just minutes before she had been ready to leave him and all they had or hadn't been behind, she, now that the opportunity had presented itself, felt an urge to get to the bottom of this whole sorry mess. At least here they didn't have to consider the nagging eyes and curious glances of the other guests, if their voice grew too loud and their argument too heated. The only other live animal that was likely to cross their path out here was a squirrel or a fox out on its nightly hunting, and the borring glances of such a creature she was sure she could endure.

"So, this is it?" she looked down at her hands.

She more felt than saw his eyes turning from their off distance focus point to her, but he didn't respond in any other way.

Imitating his stubbornness for an answer she pressed on.

"Is this it? I need to know Rhett? Is this where we go out separate ways"

She was surprised at how cool her voice sounded. Hearing her own voice she definitely wouldn't have guessed that until recently she had been crying her heart out over this very man that was now sitting next to her in the darkness.

Now it was Rhett's turn to sigh heavily.

He didn't want this conversation yet – he wasn't ready; his thoughts were still too confused and his mind too far from being made up. He wanted to just cut her off, run away, instead of having to face Scarlett at this instant.

Inwardly he cursed himself for not just turning back to the ballroom as his first instinct had dictated, instead of going on this nightly wandering. Yet at the same time he knew that if he left now he would surely lose her. He sensed a definite determination in her voice that told him that this was not a discussion that could be postponed now that it had been started.

He sighed again, still not clear as to which path to choose but at least sure about not wanting to let her go just yet.

So instead of granting her an answer he slowly lifted his hand, and caressed her cheek. A slow lingering motion. When she didn't shrink away from him he leaned in and hesitantly brought his mouth to hers. His lips softly meeting hers in a feather light kiss. He could feel how Scarlett caught her breath just as their lips engaged, and he could feel a small smile creeping into his eyes. Well, well Mrs Butler he thought – it seems like your body at least is not completely unaffected by me – no matter what your heart really holds. Thus for a moment he let himself believe that perhaps it wasn't as difficult as he had feared to give into her, and a glorious golden future filled with the bliss of togetherness didn't seem to unobtainable and far away. Simply enjoying the intoxicating feel of her lips against his, her mouth so open and inviting that he had to restrain himself not to let the kiss go too far.

All too soon the moment passed, and his golden future started distorting itself, memories from the past casting ghastly disfigured shadows over his vision of hope, and he pulled back, cursing himself for his moment of weakness.

He saw the confusion and hurt in her eyes and felt like the biggest scoundrel on earth. Cad she used to call him – surely a fitting label. He wished for her to scream and claw her nails at him, hell he would have welcomed even a flying vase or one of her well placed slaps to his deserving cheek. Anything but the naked hurt that she was hastily trying to conceal, but still shone clearly from her eyes.

"I'm sorry Scarlett" He whispered.

"I can't give you the answer you asked for – because I simply don't know what the answer might be" he rubbed his hand through his hair in frustration.

"I don't know Scarlett, I simply don't know" He repeated. He had done it, at least partly, revealed his vulnerability. The small, yet unmistakable hole in his armour. How would she react, would she cherish this power he had granted her and rejoice in this part victory or?

Scarlett eyed him warily. Confused. Her heart was still beating rather more rapidly than usual from their brief kiss, but his words just now had served as an efficient killer of the joy that his kiss had sparked in her heart. Was he giving her reason to believe or telling her that they would never have a second chance. One thing though that gave her hope was that Rhett for the first time had let down his guard even if it was just a little bit. He had shown himself as someone less than sure of himself. Revealed that he too could feel vulnerable and uncertainty. She almost didn't believe her ears, had Rhett really admitted to feel even the smallest hint of doubt about his choices? Anger at him for playing with her feelings was simmering at the pit of her stomach, but stronger than that was the curiosity to explore this new turn of events.

"I… I don't understand Rhett?" Her eyes begged him to explain himself, make her understand.

He smiled at her, thankful that she hadn't attacked him. The moonlight freeing itself just a little bit from its veil of clouds enabled him to see her more clearly. He saw a mix of curiosity and confusion written plainly on her face, how young and innocent she looked now that the moonlight concealed the faint age lines that had started to show around her eyes. Her mouth looked so inviting, that he had to restrain himself to not kiss her again. He wondered at this sudden change in his mood. This conversation that he had dreaded so much, seemed to be much easier than anticipated, and he started to feel glad that he had stumbled upon her despite having felt otherwise just before. Perhaps it was the magic of the hour just before the New Year knocked on the door to push the old one aside, perhaps it was something else. Either way he was thankful for this opportunity to vent his thoughts.

"There actually is not that much to explain Scarlett, I just don't know" His voice was without even a trace of mockery, his eyes gazing into hers held no malice, and she understood that he was not trying to lead her on. Nevertheless she still did not grasp the full implications of his words, and she silently urged him to continue.

What to say? Where to start? How much to reveal, and what better left unsaid.

"The basic simple truth my dear is that I don't know. I feel like I've been driven into a corner, with two paths neatly laid out before my eyes, though neither seems completely inviting" he paused. Searching for any clue as to whether he had stirred her temper. He didn't want to unknowingly step on a volcano having it erupt between his hands as he was doing the bravest thing he had ever done. He was dismantling the fortress, despite the sentinels' loud cries of warning he was slowly taking down his walls of protection. Revealing his true colours, revealing his confusions, his fears and doubt about the crossroad he was facing. He knew he would never have been able to do as much on broad daylight, but the spell of the moonlight had magically loosened his tongue and given him the courage to throw himself at the mercy of his wildcat.

But he found no indications that a firestorm was heading his way, and so on an impulse he continued.

"I love you Scarlett, I might as well admit it. I love you and probably always will, no matter where I go, this love will follow me" He pronounced the words with such feeling that there wasn't any doubt as to the sincerity of his words.

He saw a feverish light in her eyes, and guessed that at this admission she would think herself the winner, and he had to make her understand that it wasn't as simple as just whether the feelings were present or not. Putting the word love on the table before he had said everything he wanted had the risk that she would not hear anything else he was saying, because that word was all she sought. In addition not saying it outright might have made her not listen to what he was saying because all she could think about was whether he loved her or not. She could be so stubbornly single-minded his tempestuous wife.

"Scarlett, will you listen to what else I have to say" His voice was a bit more forceful than before and it apparently brought her out of her reverie. He wondered how many air castles she had just build that would now crumble with his next words.

"You know my dear, it is not as simple as whether I love you or not. It is more a question about how I live with this love." He sighed unsure as to whether he was getting through to her. Would she gather his meaning, or would she misunderstand his intention, and withdraw?

"As I said I feel like I have been forced up against the wall, standing now at a forked road, with two not too pleasant alternatives in front of me. In one of the alternatives I turn my back to you, and we forever will go our separate ways. The other possibility as I see it, is for me to go back home with you. We try to resume our live together, and I stay on until you perhaps discover that I as well will fail to measure up against this superhuman vision you seem to have created in your head like the image of the golden prince you had created in your head, against he also failed to measure up. Or if not all the memories of misdeeds in our past will slowly suffocate us until we can feel nothing but contempt for one another" He looked at her with blank eyes; as if all the turmoil in him was going on at such a deep level that it didn't create a ruffle on the surface.

"As you might see, neither holds must charm for me"

"Nothing much has changed since I left you in Atlanta, except for my love for you not being as thoroughly dead as I believed. You understand don't you" At the last words he jumped up from his seat and started pacing in front of her. His voice hoarse and the intensity of his turmoil apparent in each of the words he uttered. And had part of her still been engrossed in some silent reverie, she now hung on to every word he spoke, sensing the importance of them, to him, for her, for their chance of a future together.

"I can't go back to living like we did, I meant what I said. I am tired of this"

"I can't – no, I WILL not go back to living like we did. I nearly lost myself to you once, and I can't risk that again. I will not live that half existence again"

"You love me or so you say, but how can you know? How do you know that this love will not prove to be as volatile as what you felt for your golden prince for so long? Hell, even if you do love me as undying as you proclaim, then how can I go back living in THAT house. Do you think we can ever be happy together with all the creeping shadows of the past looming over us? Can we escape the ghosts that we created ourselves?"

He stopped abruptly, panting, seemingly surprised at how heatedly his last tirade had come out. He had all but shouted all of the words. He turned to her a dejected look on his face.

"What do you suppose we do Scarlett, how can we move from here?" Regaining some of his usual calm composure

"How can I trust you to not turn away when you discover that I am not as perfect as I might seem now in the first throes of love?"

She was speechless. She understood that something rare and special was happening. Rhett, the master of masking his true feelings was barring his heart to her. Finally letting her into the confusions and fears that he was facing. It scared her, and thrilled her at the same time.

She stayed silent for a while. Aware that a too hasty word from her side could ruin the atmosphere, and have him run away from her again or taunt her with his hurtful mocking remarks to make jest of what he had just revealed.

She looked at her hands toying with the hem of his coat lapels, and then hesitantly she lifted her eyes to meet his gaze.

"Would it be very awful if admitted to not knowing either?" She spoke the words, softly, tryingly ready to take them back if they seemed to produce an unwanted reaction in him. But he didn't shrink away and it pleased her. She gave him a small smile and continued.

"Don't you think I am scared Rhett? – Because I am"

"These last few months has been hell, to be honest, these last few years has not been too much fun altogether" He looked at her wryly, he supposed she was right, he had not been alone in living their common nightmare, she too had suffered, even if she had been as good as camouflaging it as he had.

"Rhett" she said pleadingly.

"I haven't come here to lure you into some sort of gilded trap as you seem to believe. I've come here because I'm scared of what my life would be like if I didn't" Her voice broke with a small tremble and she looked away in order to shy away the tears that was once again willing themselves to be spilt.

With an effort she quelled the tears; she didn't want to cry anymore tonight. But Rhett's words weighed heavily on her. Was he really considering leaving her despite his claim that he loved her? Oh how her heart had rejoiced at those words, but now the happiness she had felt was mixed with an overwhelming fear, that perhaps love was not enough.

"I don't know what I can say to convince you. Only that I am deeply sorry for all that I've done to hurt you, because I love you Rhett. I love you so much. I've lived with you through hell and love you in spite of that"

"Doesn't that prove something?"

"I love you enough to come here, humbling myself at your mothers house, just to get this chance to see you"

"Doesn't that prove something?"

"Let's go away Rhett, lets go somewhere, where the past can never find us. Somewhere where we can really start anew"

She was rambling and she knew it. But she felt that to keep talking was her only tool to convince him of her sincerity. That an endless word stream would keep him from coming to the conclusion that he could live without her, before she had a chance to prove herself.

When she couldn't think of anything else to say, she leaned in on him, pressed her head against his shirt front. Hoping at least to derive some comfort from him.

"I am sorry, I am so sorry that it took me so long to realise"

He felt his resolve melt at each word she spoke. How could he claim to love her and yet consider leaving her? No matter what it would cost him later, he saw that he couldn't leave her now. If he did, the image of her this evening in the faint moonlight would haunt to the end of the world.

Slowly he lifted his arms, wrapping them around her body in a long comforting embrace. Hugging her tightly. Wordlessly trying to convey his message.

**A/N - as you might guess we are nearing the end of my little tale. Sorry to be so slow with the updates - but hope you enjoy it still. Please feel free to tell me what you think. Feedback is always appreciated.**

**A/N - Corrected some spelling mistakes - and OFF mistakes - I hope. What an ungodly amount of of's I use when writing. I need a thesarus or something.**


	17. A leap of faith

A/N Sorry, this chapter has been so long in the making - hope you will enjoy, and thanks to CJ for proofreading.  
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And so they walked up to the house hand in hand, ready to face the world, ready for a glorious happy future together. At the same time, each with a spring in their step leaving their shady, grievous past behind. Feeling in that moment and forever onwards, their love would be enough to conquer whatever they might face down the road, promising to do their best to protect and cherish each other.

Thus when the bells chimed in the New Year, their lips met in a sparkling kiss. Making the rest of the world slide out of focus; leaving only them and their love under the starlit sky.

It was a kiss serving to seal their heartfelt solemn promise to one another.

Neither noticed the ball guests streaming out of the house and onto the lawn, interrupting their solitude. Some raised an eyebrow, others chose to let it fly with an overbearing smile (after all New Years eve was a special evening, and a good start for new beginnings) as they took in the scenery with the two lovers inappropriately entwined in each others arms.

The fireworks erupting in the sky above the house thankfully quickly served to distract the onlookers from this untimely embrace between the no longer estranged husband and wife. The two implicated parties did not even notice this, and only took the sparks colouring the sky as a sign of the rightness of their choice to let the past fly away and finally be together.

Of course it needs to be stated that they lived happily ever after.

Had lots of babies, which in due time all went on to live glorious happy lives of their own.

Naaah… that would be far too easy wouldn't it…

Sorry couldn't help it. It is the warmth that is making me silly and wanting to write light fluffy stuff. Also I feel like I have written myself into too much of a corner, where there is only one path, a path which can easily turn out to be too nauseatingly cheesy.

But well here we go….

We left Rhett and Scarlett on their stone bench, one reluctant and the other heatedly admitting their feelings for one another, then enjoying a flighty embrace.

Alas this brief moment of peace is not to last! …and with that little spoiler I will slowly continue my tale towards its inevitable end.

Slowly, Rhett Butler untangled himself from the arms of his wife, putting a small amount of distance between them. A bit surprised that he had actually initiated the embrace. At the same time savouring the warm mark her body had left on his shirt front, knowing full well, that if not brought to an end, the embrace would surely lead to other things. Things, that were not really fitting for an evening such as this. After all sooner or later this evening they would have to face up to the rest of the world again, and join his guests in the celebration of the New Year. As the host he had certain unavoidable obligations to the party, the least not forgetting his mother. No matter how tiresome they seemed to him this very moment. They were sure to attract enough attention as it was with their long absence, which of course meant that turning up all crumpled and ruffled would not do. He could almost see the gleeful light in the eyes of some particular guests if that were the case. Rhett felt certain that even if his mother lived to be a hundred years old, she would have a hard time living down as delicious a piece of gossip as that would be.

To gather his thoughts he let his eyes fawn over their surroundings. Now that he had actually been forced into this encounter; an encounter which he had been so reluctant to enter into he felt strangely relieved. In a way it felt like he was seeing the world anew, the outlines of bushes and brambles partly hidden in the darkness seemed to stand out more - be somewhat sharper and clearer, and the silhouette of the tall trees against the velvety midnight blue sky seemed to shimmer lightly. To a more rational thinking and observing mind that of course might have been dismissed as something that most likely had to do with the moon edging its way out of the cloudy shadow in which it had been hiding. But as Rhett's normally keen eyes failed to notice this tiny detail he was just filled with wonderment as to the extent his anger of minutes before had blinded him to the beauty of the night.

To his own great surprise, the normally cool and controlled Captain Butler felt that this admittance of his love had set something free in him, something he could not quite pinpoint nor rationally analyse or explain. Perhaps it was a small glimmer of optimism, sparked by the fragile promise of what his future might hold.

Perhaps: what a sweet little word, so illusive, yet promising.

Though he would not, still, put words to his surrender. Deep within him he knew that he had given in, yielded to the targeted assault of his wife and mother in combination. Also, he realised, that for once he didn't immediately regret opening his heart to someone. He, who normally guided himself on such a tight rein, had released it a little, and oddly it felt more like a reward than a punishment. Perhaps it was her heated heartfelt words afterwards. She never had bared herself to him like that before, or almost never, which was ensuring in itself and provided nourishment for the small spark that had begun to disperse the darkness in which he had been treading for so long.

There had of course been the night of Melanie's death. Not that he really felt it was appropriate to count that evening. After all, that day, evening and night had just been another one in a series of days that had brought nothing but sadness and loss to their house. Such a strain had been on her then; she would probably have said anything rather than having to be alone. Sadly that had still been the outcome for her.

No, he had definitely not put too much faith in the truthfulness of her words that fateful evening. Perhaps it had been a mistake. Yet again, perhaps they had needed these months apart. Looking back he could still with every fibre of his being remember the overwhelming numbing fatigue that had been his constant companion in those days, that and his fickle deceitful, glittery golden, bottled up friend.

Even now he felt how the shadows of those days were closing in on him.

No... He imperceptibly shook his head to shove the ghosts of those days away. He didn't want to let the memories quench his newfound sense of being set free, so he closed his mind to their shadowy voices. Even the sweet floating sound of a certain fair skinned, dark haired girl with sparkly eyes that would always shine with love and admiration whenever he was near he blocked from his mind.

Delving on those aspects of the past could not be a part of the equation that he and Scarlett were to solve tonight. It would only make things more complicated than they already were. There would be plenty of time to examine and explore these things at a later point in time. After all tomorrow surely was another day he mused to himself as he chased the memories away, remembering the well worn phrase that his vixen of a wife swore by.

"So?" He raised a questioning eyebrow at her. Again feeling just a little bit like a scared adolescent. Wondering if she had more to say after her tirade of just minutes before.

"So?" She mirrored his question, her voiced hushed and surprisingly calm. Unsure as to what had been decided between them if indeed anything. Had her shouted words had any effect on him? Experience had taught her that an embrace from Rhett did not always mean as much as she hoped, or at least even if she guessed at the true feeling and meaning behind it, it didn't mean that he would be willing to admit as much. This time of course he had said he loved her prior to her finding herself in his arms which was a first, especially since she didn't think him to be blindly drunk or on the brink of going of to war, which of course was a somewhat comforting thought. Still she knew better than to get her hopes up. Love didn't necessarily equal a life spent in happy unison she feared, no matter if he believed the sincerity and depth of her feelings.

Experience had not taught her how to deal with, and what to expect from a Rhett Butler who openly admitted to now knowing. This was definitely a first for such an admission, which caused her heart to flutter with hope at the possibilities such an admission might bring with it.

She wasn't fooled though, and willed herself to restrain herself from expressing the joy she felt within.

She knew that Rhett could be so god damn stubborn and had he made up his mind to go down a specific road, she might be hard pressed to succeed in diverting him from it. Something she reluctantly admitted was not too unlike her own behaviour at times. Who was to know whether the fact that he didn't know his specific way forward would change this? Or make it easier for her to guide him where she wanted him to go.

Even if he hadn't made up his mind, as he actually lead on that he hadn't, one wrong word from her might force his hand and make him run screaming without a backwards glance. So no, Scarlett was definitely not to keen on making the first move, and chose to copy only his own insufficient word.

"So" he repeated, still not wanting to be the one to speak first as he was unsure about what exactly he wanted to say. Also Rhett was sure that only a limited number of phrases would go down well with Scarlett. He knew without a hint of doubt that if he said something not on that list of acceptable phrases, it would cause the tender situation to explode in his face as so many times before. Which was something he definitely did not feel like risking. His anger from earlier was still to close to the surface for him to control it, and a spark would set it of like the fireworks planned for when the New Year was chimed in.

She, he thought, obviously felt the same, for she didn't seem altogether too inclined to speak either, and did not volunteer further words.

Thus silence reigned except for the light rustling of the wind in the branches above their heads, the lone hoot of an owl out on the hunt, and the distant pitter-patter of tiny animal feet on the gravel.

Small signs that despite their reluctance to move on with their lives at this moment, the world had not stopped moving, their lives inevitably still ticked away. In that moment Rhett realised that if they did not actively decide what they wanted to make of it, something in that ever moving world around them would do so for them. Which he contemplated, might be less desirable than what they could come up with on their own, despite the possibility of rash words and unwanted outbursts of temper. This opportunity for them, being in the same place, with pretty much the same agenda, whether acknowledged or not might be rare and brief. After all it had taken them more than a decade to get here a first time, who knows how many years they would have to endure apart if they let it slip away.

He eyed her warily for a second, pondering how to phrase this new found discovery to her in a way so that she would see this truth as well.

All of sudden his face changed.

He felt the small sense of elation he had felt stir earlier grow. Growing and bubbling through him, searching for an outlet so as not to cause him to burst. He didn't know what had caused this sudden surge of joy that flowed through him, but he accepted it gratefully. He felt liberated anew. Maybe it was the knowledge that any action, no matter the outcome was better than letting somebody or something else decide his life for him as he had done for too long. The sense of freedom and almost erratic joy now begged very insistently to be let out. He felt a rush of adrenalin rush through him, taking him back to his blockading adventures. What a thrill, what a thrilling exhilarating feeling freedom was. He felt as if he would surely combust if he didn't allow himself to let out this feeling. Probably, not unlike how a bottle of champagne felt the moment it was uncorked, letting the air sink in, resulting in the bubbly liquid within foaming up and overflowing the mouth of the bottle after being subjected to the strict confinement of the bottle.

Scarlett, who had been eyeing him intently, was amazed at the multitude of feelings that in a flicker of a moment passed over his face.

Too quickly for her to perceive what change had come over him, he turned his face away from her. Rapidly, deciding that it might be wise to take just another second or two to gather his thoughts before he tried to share this small revelation of his with her.

This of course left her only with the option of questioningly facing his back, a rather puzzled look in her eyes. What was he thinking? She who had always been so good at directing her own destiny, was now reduced to... well she weren't sure what she was reduced to but she was sure that she wasn't too keen on whatever that role was. Oh that infuriating man, if he expected her to just sit here in meek obeying silence he had another thing coming. She was on the brink of telling him a piece of her mind, not caring for the outcome. After all, anything would be better than this limbo she was in just now. Her angry outburst was hindered by another small change in the posture of her husband.

His shoulders started shaking lightly, a low rumbling sound erupting deep within him.

Scarlett looked at him even more bewildered. These mood swings of Rhett's were happening just a tad too fast for her to catch on. Was he breaking down in tears right next to her? Her mouth fell slightly open in shook. This seemed to be a night of many firsts.

"Rhett…" She started, then paused, unsure how she should address him. Unable to divine whether his turned back was actually a sign of pending tears, a sign of anger, hurt and him pulling away from her again or perhaps something completely different.

"Rhett.." she said again, putting her one hand lightly on his shoulder urging him to include her in whatever was going on beneath his dark locks.

Slowly he turned around, looking down as if to give himself time to veil his emotions, trying to ensure his trademark mask was in place. It seemed however that for once he was not overly successful in that venture. Raising his head she realised he was trying to smother not impending tears but a wide grin that threatened to spread across his face again.

His still shaking shoulders and the deep rumbling sound escaping him helped tell the tale of a deep seated mirth.

"God damn it Scarlett, I am getting too old for this" he said a little out of breath.

He ran his hand through his hair shaking his head.

"Too old, definitely too old" Before he had to turn his head away again as another fit of laughter overcame him which he with an admirable effort tried to limit to just another muffled rumble.

One minute sombre and brooding; the next minute grinning as someone who had just escaped from a mental institution. It was enough to make her head spin. She wouldn't be altogether surprised if he actually burst into tears next.

She raised an eyebrow pointedly, not sure whether to be deeply offended, that all of the sudden he found their situation hilarious, or happy that… well happy that he was still sitting here next to her, and apparently had found something that amused him greatly in their situation.

What an unbelievably frustrating man!

She narrowed her eyes, trying to make him stop or at least include her in the fun. However, as her boring eyes didn't seem to have any effect. Her brow scrunched into a deep frown, she leaned back a little, crossing her arms in front of her chest, and decided to use her voice as a means of contact instead.

"Pardon me Rhett, but I fail to see what is so funny"

He rumpled his hair again, clearly trying to regain control over himself; but failed miserably as mirth overtook him again.

He couldn't remember the last time that he had laughed like this, neither could Scarlett for that matter had she thought about it. It must have been years, but now that he had started, he didn't seem to be able to stop. It felt oddly good. It was like a cleansing process where all the frustration and anguish he had been harbouring for the last many months where being flushed out by his happiness and laughter.

Another stern face from Scarlett urged him to put the cork back in the bottle.

"Sorry Scarlett" he coughed out, while trying to straighten his face.

"I'm sorry" He repeated, breathing deeply, finally able to control his face.

"I'm sorry Scarlett" he said again as he reached out for her hand.

"All of a sudden, it just hit me the absurdity of this situation…" How could he explain this out of the blue burst of laughter, when he didn't really know where it came from his self.

"…you and I, never being on the same page"

The frown was still evident on her face, and he stared at her pensively

"Perhaps you are right; it is not particularly funny. But Oh Scarlett, we've just spent SO much time… too much time… being miserable. Angry. Hurt. And I am so good damn tired of it. As I said I am getting to old for it."

"Isn't it better with a little laughter than this sad face" He followed his last words by gently stroking his thumb against her still scrunched up brow to even out the wrinkle there.

She cast him another disbelieving look, still not quite able to understand why he found the situation so funny. Part of her grasped that this was not a laughter meant to hurt her, and thus with a huge effort she willed herself to rein in her boiling temper, and wait for him to show his next card. Still, her insides screamed for her to tell him exactly what she thought about him and his untimely laughter, only the mischievously happy gleam in his eyes kept her from doing exactly so.

"Fiddle dee dee Rhett" she said instead, in an attempt to go along with his new humorous look at their situation, her Atlanta accent more prominent than ever.

"I believe that the last time I heard you laughing like that was when you made me get that awful sign for the store, so you must understand I am not altogether too keen on hearing it again" However she followed her words with a charming smile and a flutter of her eyelashes to convey the message that she didn't take it as bad as her words would imply. She couldn't stop a small flash of hurt that shot through her eyes as she remembered just how upset she had been back then. Still she didn't quite master the art of ridiculing one's self. Also she was struck by the fact that she indeed could not think of any more recent time where his laughter had rang as true as this. It was ages and ages ago since he had almost made a fool of her with that silly story, how could he not have laughed in all that time. Coming to think about it, when had she last enjoyed a laughter as free as this? A nagging voice told her it was perhaps way back before the war. Though, she was reluctant to let this belief settle. No she interrupted herself, that couldn't be. Her honeymoon with Rhett had been filled with laughter hadn't it? But even then, she had always been a little bit on her toes, unwilling to let herself enjoy her time with him as much as she actually had done. Feeling that by enjoying her honeymoon she was in a way betraying Ashley. Ashley, Ashley, how blind she had been. How did it even feel to laugh as freely as that? Did she even remember how it was done? In a flicker of a moment she remembered how gay and filled with laughter her younger years had been. Where had it all gone wrong? How could a person live without laughter? No wonder her life had felt so bleak, and she so alone for the longest time ever.

Her silent pondering went unnoticed by Rhett. Instead her little anecdote only served to make him laugh even harder. Finally he let go of all pretence and the sound of his laugh rang free pulling Scarlett back to the present.

"Scarlett, Scarlett you will be the death of me" He lifted her face, and took in every detail of it. She was as lovely as she had been that day so long ago when he had first set eyes on her. Only now, if you looked closer, you could see that the passing years had left their small marks on her, in his eyes only enhancing her beauty. He was only sad that so much of what had been involved in creating those marks were sad memories not happy ones. Her lips still full and red, and ooh so inviting, she had always tasted divinely...

He could easily have spent more time gazing at her face, he had never tired of observing her. Even when he had given up on her after her disastrous fall down the plush red staircase of their Peachtree Monstrosity he had from time to time allowed himself to indulge in a few stolen moments of taking in every detail of her. It had been a mixed pleasure, but he needed fresh images of her from time to time to take with him when he was away. He needed, though it always pained him immensely to know, that even when he had caught her with a small smile playing around her lips, it would never have been because of him.

"Well it would only serve you right" she said, this time succeeding better with her mocking though flirtatious tone. This time it was her turn to interrupt his train of thoughts.

"Considering how mean and hateful you've been as of late" Again she let her words follow by a well practised southern belle smile.

"My, my Scarlett, you sure change your mind faster than an old man like me can keep up" His tone was lightly mocking, but without the harsh hateful edge to it that she feared so much.

"Forgive me if it is just an old man's hearing that is failing him as well, but didn't you just minutes ago profess your undying love to me..."

"...It hurts me greatly that thine love is so unsteady, when I hold thee so dear" His face was moulded into such a convincingly sad look that shone with hurt adoration, his eyes the only thing that belied this pretend hurt, that she couldn't help but giggle.

"Oh Rhett, stop it. I haven't changed my mind... yet" she said playfully giving him a swat on his shoulder.

"Mock me not. Oh my fair lady, for thou do not know what joy that springs to my fragile heart with those words, and to have such hope ignited only to be extinguished is sure to kill me" He finished with a theatrical tone in his voice, he was clearly enjoying the performance.

Nimbly he glided off their bench, and before she realised what he was doing he had placed himself on one knee, both his hands grasping hers in a tight hold.

"If you are truly serious, then hold me not in anxious waiting any longer, oh thou fairest among fair, tell me that thine heart will forever be mine to hold, and you will do me the honour of becoming my wife"

Scarlett's eyes widened at his words. Not really daring to believe she had actually heard what she thought she had heard, and the full meaning that those words believed.

"Rhett... are you serious" She eyed him rather suspiciously.

"You know I will scratch your eyes out if you are not"

He looked deeply into her eyes, trying to convince her about the absolute sincerity of his words.

"Mrs. Butler, I have never been more serious in my whole life" He looked very solemn for a long moment, and tried, but failed, to pull off a look of astonished hurt.

"My, my, Mr. Butler, what do you think that your wife would say if she knew that you went round proposing to strange girls in the middle of the night?"

"Ah, Scarlett dear, you had to bring up that small flaw in my plan" The mischief and huge enjoyment of the situation quite evident in his handsome face. How much younger he looked compared to how he had looked only a few short months ago, and even earlier tonight.

"Then I guess, there is nothing for it, but for me to simply steal you away as my unwilling hostage, I dare say that such an action on my part will not cause too much gossip. I am sorry to admit it my dear, but my reputation in these parts of the country is not the best"

He smiled at her, baring his white teeth that stood out clearly in the semi darkness, more pirate-like than ever. For a moment she could almost see herself being carried away like that. Her body being slung over the shoulder of her pirate captor, forced to face innumerable dangers at his side. What a thrilling adventure that would be. Being taken captive by such a handsome pirate as hers, would definitely not be counted as a true punishment as she contemplated losing herself in the images her imagination provided her with.

He looked at her strangely, wondering what was going on behind those pale green eyes, he had definitely expected some outburst after his last jest, instead it had elicited an almost dream like trance from her.

"So" He jibed.

"My dear Miss O'Hara, should I take your stunned silence as a sign that you are not completely disinclined as to my proposal of a hasty escape"

"What?" She looked rather dazed as his words brought her out of her reverie which featured her and Rhett as the main characters in quite a thrilling adventure on the seven seas.

"Sorry, Captain Butler, what did you say again" She unconsciously used the title that he had borne in her flighty fantasy.

He smiled at her again. The place she had retreated to had seemed to be a pleasant one. For a moment the old nagging fear of Ashley Wilkes wormed its way into his mind, but he dismissed it seeing the rather dazedly hungry look she eyed him with. He contemplated trying to get her to involve him in what had been going on in her pretty head, but felt as he had earlier that it would be unwise to tempt himself too much.

"It doesn't matter Scarlett, though I must admit that I am a bit hurt, that the plans of your future partner in crime holds so little interest for you that you can't even keep your attention directed at me for two consecutive seconds" Mock hurt laced his voice, causing her to focus her eyes on him, trying to see if he was really hurt or if it was just another outburst of the Butler humour.

Deciding on the latter she replied in kind, enjoying this playful banter that had been such an integrated part of their dealings with each other before everything had gone sour, and the playfulness had been replaced by malice and poisoned words that aimed to hurt.

A few more exchanges such as this were made, before Scarlett decided, still a bit on the edge as to how they were to move forward. For all the sweet words, nothing had been promised, and she was scared that he, her illusive husband would repeat his past behaviour and suddenly decide that he didn't need her after all and run away. Something she was sure she wouldn't be able to bear after coming so close to finding true common ground. Her merchant mind, not quite seeing that even though nothing had been signed and sealed the deal from Rhett's point of view was already closed.

"Rhett, please Rhett, do be serious"

"Mrs. Butler, Mrs. Butler, you hurt my heart when you fail to see how serious I am" He brought his hands to his heart in a melodramatic gesture. His face moulded into an expression that matched this gesture, and could surely have earned him some theatrical renown; had it been performed before a more appreciative audience.

Acknowledging that she was still not quite deriving the intended meaning behind his words he swept himself back at her side, muttering something about the gravel and him being too old to stand on one knee for extended periods of time.

"Scarlett, I am serious, I am very serious."

"I know that I said earlier that I still had some residual doubt about the advisability of us venturing back on the path of twosome-ness. But you must believe me when I say that my doubts have been dispersed"

He paused momentarily before continuing in a soft almost inaudible voice.

"It still scares me you know, scares me so much, that a part of me wants to run away. I am sure, it will not all be smooth sailing, and we are bound to hurt each other terribly from time to time."

"But you know what I am just as sure of?" He gazed at her with such tenderness that her breath caught in her throat even if his previous words did jab a little at her heart.

"I am completely one hundred percent sure that none of that will be worse than living without you."

"Something just clicked back in their rightful place for me sometime during our little chat, and I know it would be a terrible mistake if I turned my back on you right now. Do you believe that?"

He removed a few stray tendrils from her face in a tender intimate gesture that made her heart skip a beat. Something in his whole demeanour, much more than his words convinced her that Rhett Butler, for once, was completely sincere. She was rendered momentarily speechless by the blast of emotions that was let loose within her so she simply nodded, her eyes staring unwaveringly into his.

Not able to resist the temptation anymore Rhett Butler leaned in to claim his prize. With his lips meeting with hers--in a sweet tender kiss-- savouring the feeling of her soft cool lips against his own. How good she tasted, how good she smelled. As the tip of her tongue met his, he almost gasped in surprise as lust and love mixed and hit him with the force of a lightning bolt, with the small hairs on the back of his neck standing erect at the intensity of the feeling. By the slight pulling back of her mouth from his, he guessed that she had felt the force of the electric current running between them as well. He closed his eyes, losing himself to the sensation. Never had a kiss tasted so sweet, and held such great promise.

He could have abandoned himself to her forever, but after the longest moment they both pulled away, sensing that if they didn't break away, other things were sure to follow.

For the third time within a surprisingly short time span Rhett under his breath cursed at the fact that they had to go back to the party.

"My, my, Mrs. Butler you surely take my breath away"

How unbearably tempting she looked, he wanted nothing but to lose himself in her yet again. Her eyes wide open, a spark such as he had never seen in them before was ignited in their depths. Had he held any lingering doubt about her feelings they were surely melted away by that loving glance she gave him.

"Dare I say the feeling is mutual Mr. Butler" she said, in a quick surprisingly witty response. She too was mesmerised by the feelings this simple kiss had generated in her.

Slowly coming back to planet earth the concept of the ongoing party and the waiting guests snuck back into her brain.

"Do we really have to go back" She questioned innocently, despite already knowing the answer. She didn't want to go back under the scrutinizing glances of Charleston's finest, though she knew it was inevitable, unless they really did as he had suggested and run away. Even as her heart formulated that desperate plan she knew she would never suggest it to him, Rhett had fought too long and hard for his respectability to throw it all overboard for such a silly whim. Also she considered, going back to the party on Rhett's arm being lead onto the dance floor by him, might not be the worst thing ever. She knew how good they looked together, and would attract many admiring glances from the other guests. After the rather strenuous emotional affair this evening had been up till now, admiring glances stroking her vanity might not be all together bad. It would she decided greatly outweigh the annoyance that the old peahens and the disapproving glances would stir in her. Also, dancing with Rhett would mean her being in his arms when the New Year finally knocked on the door. Which in turn would result in her being on the receiving end of another kiss from her husband's inviting lips, in full visibility of all the women who had cast lustful glances at him all evening, leaving no doubt in their minds as to whom he belonged to. No, returning to the party might not be a bad idea after all.

"I shudder to think what is going on in that devious mind of yours" Rhett commented, rather amused by the devious smile playing at his wife's mouth.

"What can you, I wonder, be plotting at, now that I have sworn you my unwavering love?"

She didn't feel like granting him an answer, fearing that he would already be very close to guessing at the true meaning behind her smile.

Instead she hastily got up took a few small steps back towards the house, then paused, turned around and stuck out her hand to him.

"Stop your silly musings Rhett, and let's get back to the party" she smiled sweetly at him, her white gloveless hand a tempting invitation for him.

"Why the sudden rush to get there my dear, can't wait to flaunt your new conquest to the world" seeing the annoyed look that passed over her face, he congratulated him self on having guessed correctly. It felt very assuring to know that he had not completely lost the touch to read her feelings and thoughts correctly.

"Never mind" he hastily added, feeling that it would be nice if more than five minutes passed before enjoying their first fight.

"Before we go back however I suggest that we do something about your rather ruffled look" he took one long step placing him self right in front of her. With slow almost caressing movements he skilfully refastened the stray tendrils that had escaped from her elaborate hair do. Lightly caressing her face, in order to remove the salty marks her tears had left on her face, pausing just a couple of times to steal a quick kiss from her well shaped lips. Something she willingly indulged him in, though ensuring that she pulled away before he could undo the work he had just done. Finally, he straightened her bodice, and removed a few out of bound leaves from the wide skirt of her dress. His coat still hung from her shoulders, where he thought that it belonged quite nicely. Though it would be a good excuse for him to hold her in a warming embrace, he feared that it would lead to nothing good if they were to join back in the festivities in the main building.

"Aaah my dear, now you look good enough to eat, no one will suspect what illicit business you have been up to tonight"

She raised her eyebrow mockingly.

"And you Mr. Butler, the epitome of a gentleman would be the correct person to answer me truthfully on that question. I might have grown to love you, but I haven't grown that naïve, I will have to ask you to take me to a mirror before venturing inside"

His only answer was a slow rumbling laughter. How good it felt to hear him laugh. She was happy to know that she had rediscovered this ability, and planned to use it as much as possible.

He stretched out his hand to her, and she elegantly with a sweet smile placed hers in his. Almost stumbling as Rhett pulled her in for another embrace.

After another quick kiss, they started up the garden path towards the gaiety that was going on behind the tall glass windows filled with light that could just be seen in the distance. Hand in hand, enjoying their new-found closeness in silence.

A/N Thank you all so much for reading. It has been a fun challenge to actually get a more or less complete story out of a spur of the moment idea.

I have an epilogue mapped out, but otherwise I feel that I am almost done with this story.

Thanks to all for reading.

M


	18. Epilogue

A/N. Here it is, the promised epilogue. An epilogue which actually in word count is as long as 1/6th of the story itself.... Can it still be called an epilogue?  
Rather quicker than I had thought, but well... hope you enjoy!!! I am quite proud for finishing this story, and even before it celebrates its one year birthday. Well enough of this... happy reading.

M  
____________

Scarlett O'Hara Butler stood at the aft of the grand ship as it left the harbour. She was clad in a stylish travel gown that she had actually chosen herself, and on seeing her critical husbands pleasing response to it, subsequently been very pleased with. To onlookers she was a sight for sore eyes, a beautiful silhouette against the sky. Well proportioned and slender. Scarlett, however, for once was not concerned with her look, her eyes rapidly snapped around taking in the scenery. The view was spectacular. Scarlett not normally one to marvel at the wonders of nature was enthralled. The early morning sun was painting the sky in vivid tones ranging from intense oranges to soft pinks. The ocean was surprisingly calm, despite the flowing wind that filled the billowing sails overhead, and it looked silvery pale compared to the aggressively coloured sky. Waves erupted in the wake of the ship creating a tail of ripples that gradually grew smaller before being swallowed again by the vastness of the surrounding waters.

Except for the clucking sound of the water against the wooden frame of the ship, silence reigned almost undisturbed. It was a blessing after the noisy hustle and bustle on the harbour amidst travellers saying goodbye to their families, workers hurrying to get all the remaining cargo on board the ship before departure, and merchants looking for a last trade offering their goods to the departing voyagers. Normally Scarlett thrived on such an atmosphere of busy thriftiness as the one that had ruled at the harbour, but today she had been too preoccupied with the excitement of the impending travel. So she had just found it annoying, and had been hard pressed to conceal her impatience with the wait to Eleanor Butler and Rosemary, who had been waving them on their way. In the end Scarlett had barely been able to contain herself enough to respond politely to the gentle small talk that they had kept going to pass the minutes until they were able to board the ship. She had thanked the Gods that a small cold and the earliness of their departure had hindered her two aunts from being there with them. The mindless chitter chatter of her Mother's elder sisters, well meaning as they were, was sure to have driven her insane. The older Mrs. Butler had taken her daughter in law's mono syllabic answers and distracted eagerness to be on the way, not as the insult it might have been perceived as, but with a forgiving smile. She had accepted it as a sign that her son and his wife were on the right track. Their behaviour to each other since New Years had indicated as much, but you never knew with those two. She had been thrilled when she had seen them return to the party together, both emitting a happy glow. She had not dared to hope they would find themselves on the same page quite so quickly. But was all the more pleased that they had, their nonsense had been going on for too long already. In the end it just added up to the fact that it took more than a rushed goodbye to subtract from her happiness that her eldest son had finally found his peace, or at the least the closest thing to it.

This would be their last feel of land for some days, and it filled Scarlett with excitement, but also a small sense of dread. Apart from a picnic that involved a rowing boat back in the hazy dreamland that was her life before the war, she had never been on the water before. Not that she cared to admit as much to anyone. Secretly though she was more than a little happy that she would not have to face this experience alone. And that Rhett who was so familiar with life on the water was the one who accompanied her. Also this first part of the trip would not take them too far away from solid ground, as they would make their first stop in New York. After that... After that would be the real test. Crossing the vast Atlantic Sea, she had gaped stupidly as her handsome husband with a twinkling smile had shown her the weathered map of the world that hung in his office at the Landing. She had wondered at the distance and the vastness of the world in general. She of course knew that America was one amongst many countries in the world; she had just never consciously considered exactly what that implied. Back at the Fayetteville Academy not much attention had been put on the subject of Geography, even less so by Scarlett herself. The little teaching there had been on the subject she had easily let fly out as soon as it had entered her head. Too busy to soak up the learning she had actually been interested in, which fell more into the category of should we say social skills. Later the world had gone haywire and she hadn't had too much time to devote to musing of Atlases, or any other books for that matter. Now however she looked forward to seeing what the world had to offer outside the country that had been hers for all of her life. At first she had been a little sceptical at going, when she had suggested to Rhett that they go away it had not really been thought out, but the more they had talked about it the more the idea had grown on her. Now she just wanted to be on her way.

She mentally waved goodbye to this city that she had grown to love over the past weeks. Not so much perhaps for the qualities that the Charlestonians would have preferred to have admired, but because here was where she had finally gotten what she had longed for, for so long. Consciously and unconsciously, love and just as importantly, companionship. The long dreadful days of loneliness seemed so far away, like a bad dream. Like her nightmare, that had not shown its ugly head at all since coming to Charleston.

The ship's horn rang eerily over the water, signalling its adieu to the mainland. In a way also triumphantly telling Fort Sumter, which they glided past in that moment, and the Yankees that resided there, that no matter their effort, life had resumed and the South were slowly healing it's wounds. A few seagulls left their comfortable seats in the masts, squawking angrily at the sudden disturbance to their high placed resting spots and noisily flapped away to resume their scouting in calmer surroundings. The people on the quay grew smaller by the second, and were already now just faint dots, against a backdrop of blurry houses. If Scarlett ever were to chance a meeting with a French painter of Le Havre, who just a year before had painted a much discussed painting of such a rising sun as she had just witnessed, she would have nodded knowingly, thinking back to this morning where Charleston grew fainter and fainter, until finally disappearing under the horizon.

Scarlett's smile widened, finally, finally, they were taking their first step out in the world. Now that they were actually on their way the thrilling sense of adventure overtook her and she forgot to be scared. She enjoyed the wind rustling her hair, tugging at the hairpins holding her locks in place. One or two strands of dark hair broke loose and danced playfully in the wind; enjoying the sudden freedom they had been granted. Adrenaline rushed through her veins as the ship swayed lightly. The water also grew more restless as they got further away from the mouth of the harbour. Scarlett never felt more alive than in a moment such as this, close to the wildness of nature that so resembled her own vitality and lust for life. She felt like shouting her joy for the world to know. The lack of privacy on the deck however held her back from doing as much. Not many, but still quite a few of the other passengers, had like her chosen to take a visual goodbye to the beautiful old city. Instead she just breathed in as deeply as her corset allowed, tasting the salt in the air, smelling the distinct freshness that can only be found on the open sea, her green eyes glowed wildly. Life was good, and she was in love with the world.

Her hands clutched the railing and she leaned back lightly, tilting her head backwards as she let the feeling of happiness flow to every part of her body making her feel light and bubbly, high on this ultimate sense of existence.

This was just the beginning of a great adventure.

For a moment she closed her eyes again and let the memories of the past month seep over her. New Years Eve! The beginning of this whole amazing dream that her life had turned into...

She had entered the ballroom on Rhett's arm, the immediate centre of attention. She had caught the eyes of Rhett's mother who intuitively had perceived the change between her stubborn son and his green eyed wife. She had given Scarlett a conspiratorial wink, which had made Scarlett giggle in return.

And the dancing. They had danced every dance the rest of the night, moving in happy unison, enjoying the physical closeness this allowed them. It naturally caused quite a few raised eyebrows seeing the host so openly neglecting his duties of dancing with the most prominent ladies and the young débutantes. A few had tried politely to interrupt to obtain either the wife or the husband as their next dancing partner, but all attempts had been futile. The couple however had been so engrossed with each other that they either hadn't noticed it, or had ignored these approaches based on the fact that they felt it would be too great a punishment for them to be separated for even one tune after just having found each other. So they had thrown away convention and kept flowing around the floor in each others arms. After the fireworks that had marked the passing of yet another year, they had stayed out on the lawn enjoying a silent waltz, to the melodic tones of the orchestra that could be heard through the open doors.

Even now as Scarlett relived the memories, her one foot softly tapped away mirroring their dance moves. She was about to start humming when a pair of warm hands were placed lightly on her shoulders.

"I hope it is me on your mind" Rhett's voice whispered close to her ear, placing a light kiss just below her ear, causing shivers to run down her spine. It was amazing how Rhett affected her. She had before only been given the smallest glimpses at this physical connection between them; now her eyes had been completely opened to what physical attraction meant. Something that during this last month had been made undeniably evident...

Even the lightest touch from him sent shivers throughout her body, making it clear just how strong their connection really was. Her cheeks reddened lightly as she thought of the universe of pleasure that he had shown her. She didn't know if it was simply the fact that she was deeply in love with him that made her so sensitive to his touch, or if the physical connection was an altogether separate thing. She didn't consider it much, just accepted it as a wonderful gift. She was amazed that she could have gone for so long without noticing or even guessing at this aspect of marriage.

That night after Ashley's party of course had been filled with rapture. But she had also been amazingly out of her head due to the vast quantities of brandy she had been drinking. So had Rhett for that matter! Thus, deep down, she had never really been trusting of what she had experienced then had been real. Also so many unspoken feelings had been between them then. They had both been angry and hurt, aiming to inflict pain and using the unexpected passion between them as a convenient weapon to meet that end.

Now their passion unfolded itself in a completely different way. Sweet and tender, but no less intense, taking time to investigating each other's body. She who had never appreciated or wanted to look at her husbands in their unclothed state, now could spend hours just looking at Rhett. Investigating every inch of his body. Admiring the movement of his skin over his muscles, that presented itself with each movement he made. It surely was something she would never in her wildest dreams have thought could give her any joy; now it brought her immense pleasure. It felt indecent, and she still did not feel very confident talking about their intimacy, but stronger than her bashfulness was her curiosity. She wanted to know, wanted to learn. She was an eager student and gradually her confidence grew. She remembered Rhett's surprised happiness when she had actively initiated intimacy. Playing the role as seductress had been oddly fulfilling to her and surprisingly fun, she had revelled in the control it gave her over him.

Her body remembered and thirsted for more of his touch, so instinctively she leaned back a little and curved herself against his strong form behind her. Inwardly cursing at the restriction her garments provided. Thick fabrics and steel wires were not exactly made to be admired up close.

Rhett's arms snaked down around her waist and he pulled her to him, instantly responding to her gesture, feeling the want rushing through him. He slowly placed a row of feather-light kisses down the side of her neck, tracing its gently sloping line, enjoying her intake of breath. Pleased that he affected her, just as much as she affected him.

"Ah my wonderful temptress you have cast a spell on me" He whispered huskily. They stood there, more closely pressed together than propriety allowed for quite some time. Both wanting to take their passion to the next step, but both equally knowing that they would have plenty of time for that later. Also knowing that after a day of constricted togetherness, where only light touches and teasing glances were allowed, their time together when they could finally retire to their cabin this evening would be all the more powerful.

With a deep sigh Rhett Butler released his hold on his wife. He too was amazed at the intensity of the feelings he had experienced lately. After all he had spent more than a decade lusting for and dreaming of the day that he would own Scarlett, mind, body and soul, and even to him the reality far outstripped what he had imagined. He would never tire of her, and he was so grateful that he had been pushed to actually take the step to allow her back into his life, and the leap of faith that had been involved in handing her his heart. Rhett knew that he owed his mother some measure of thanks for this.

He had never really believed that this day would actually come, not even in the early days of their marriage. Which was probably one of the main reasons, he had been so reluctant to even hint at his feelings in more than a light offhanded slightly mocking way.

Not that everything had been smooth sailing. He guessed that even an openly reciprocated love was not enough to completely extinguish their fiery tempers. Their first clash had been only a few days into the New Year. He didn't now remember what the probably insignificant detail that had sparked it was, but all of a sudden they had found themselves at each others throats. Hurling maliciously hurtful words at the other, not caring what wounds they were inflicting. He didn't know whether loving each other made the words hurt more or less, but the resolution of their fight had been a damn sight nicer than anything he had experienced up till then as a married man. When they had finally exhausted their well of wicked words, they had stood panting in front of the other. Unsure what it meant, both not used to dealing with fighting with a loved one, scared that they had broken the fragile trust that was being built between them. He didn't know what in the end had caused it, but as if deciding to do so in the very same moment they had flung themselves in to the arms of the other. Simultaneously lavishing hot passionate kisses at the other, and removing garments in order to be as close as possible. Eager to let the other know that despite the harsh words, they still wanted to be there, not just in that embrace, but in their life together. First it had been an angry frustrated intimacy, but as they found that the other wouldn't reject them they had relaxed and words pleading for forgiveness, words to express their love, and words saying sorry had been intermingled with their kisses. The intensity of the lovemaking had been heartbreaking so eager had they both been to show the extent and depth of their feelings. Had Rhett Butler not been the realist he was, he would have said that it had been a mingling of their souls. Luckily he was a realist, so he had just thought of it as some of the god-damn best sex he had ever had.

Though, no matter how sweet the making up was, he always shuddered at the thought of their next blow up. Scarlett along with discovering her love, it seemed had also honed her skill to throw well aimed barbs at him. It was as if she had suddenly been granted a special sight, which enabled her to see the holes in his armour. Laced words that inflicted excruciating pain was her speciality. And he knew that his retaliations were just as bad, just as sure to hit their target as well as hers. It amazed him that two people who claimed to love each other, would stop at nothing, or almost nothing, to also hurt the other. After each battle as they would lie in each others arms, he would swear to himself that next time he would stay in control keeping the cool façade, and refrain from throwing the words that he knew would hurt the most, but somehow he failed miserably every time. He hoped that in time they would learn to control their tempers just a bit, or at least for the fighting to grow rarer. It was exhausting to battle with her. Yet he couldn't help himself to go all in when first the fireworks went of.

On the bright side, it made the times where they were in perfect unison the more precious. Being let into Scarlett's mind was something that brought him great joy every time she chose to include him in her train of thought. She could be ruthless, yet she was generous, and her opinions always amused him. She could be sarcastic, though mainly when it concerned other people. She had still to learn the benefits that could be derived from laughing at ones self. It was like the best part of their previous friendship, only an enhanced version of it. He hoped sincerely that one of them wouldn't involuntarily say something in the heat of an argument that would be too harsh to take back, and shatter this connection between them beyond repair. It was his single greatest fear. Sensing this, both had refrained from putting a toe on the other side of that line, he hoped they were able to keep up this balance game. Now that he had known the bliss of being loved by her, he was sure that her leaving him would finish him off.

Their love was at the same time unbelievably strong and preciously fragile.

He breathed in her scent of her freshly washed hair, and planted a soft kiss there.

"So my dear, what is your first thought of life at sea?" He hoped and believed that she would enjoy it, and so wanted to share his love of the ocean with her.

She turned to him, a big smile on her face telling the tale of great enjoyment.

"Oh Rhett it is wonderful" Her face shone openly so filled with love and excitement. Her cheeks red and glowing from the hint of cold in the air. The stray locks of her hair framing her face, in a way that made her look young and vulnerable, yet amazingly filled with life.

He couldn't resist the unspoken invitation that he read in her eyes, and he leaned in to plant another kiss at her smiling lips. For a moment forgetting that they were not alone, and under the curious observation of the other passengers who also enjoyed the crisp morning air on the deck. Scarlett's arms snaked around his neck and deepened the kiss savouring the taste of his lips, and the smell of fresh soap that mingled with the smell that was so distinctly Rhett. With a dazed sigh she pulled back.

"It seems I should have taken you sailing years ago, seeing what it brings out in you" he smirked at her teasingly.

"Perhaps you should have Rhett Butler, it my have opened my eyes to your... ahem, charms, years before" She gave him her most charming smile, though she wanted to stick out her tongue at him.

Laughing out loud as he guessed what was going on behind her face.

"My, my we sure are brazen today, come now Mrs. Butler let me take you for the grand tour of the ship before we get up to something all together indecent" He pulled her gently by her hand and they strolled arm in arm up the whitewashed gangplanks of the ship, while Rhett told her some of the tales from his many adventures on the open waters.

------""""""""------

Foreign voices everywhere speaking in a melodic foreign language – nothing like the school French that she had been taught - nor like the muddled accent created by years away that her Grand Pere practiced. She understood nothing of it, but enjoyed the rapid flow of words, and the lively scenery that played out around her. Though it was a setting much like the one she had experienced as they had boarded in New York, there just was a completely different flavour to the atmosphere. Everything was familiar yet distinctively foreign… Le Havre, was to be their first port in France.

She turned and waved a thank you and goodbye to the impressive steamship that had borne them across the sea. Though the crossing had been enjoyable, she was not sad to finally put her feet on solid ground again. Though solid might in that moment be a bit of an overstatement as the ground still moved as if she was at sea.

Many interesting people had been aboard the ship, and Rhett who seemed to know everybody everywhere introduced her to them all, ensuring that she had enjoyed a full dance card every evening when the orchestra struck their first tune. Afternoons where spent playing cards, whist was her preferred game, and she had to her surprise discovered that she had quite an apt head for the game. It was a curious mix of people, and the classes that were such a distinct part of life as she had lived it had melted away. Background, family and future had not seemed to matter as much, as long as you had the money to spend on travelling first class. Some she was sure would never have been received in the homes of the prim and proper families of Atlanta, but no body had seemed to put any measure of importance on this during their weeks on the sea.

More importantly though than all these pleasures had been the opportunity to spend all this time undisturbed with Rhett. Lounging until late morning in their large bed in their luxurious cabin. Varying between long talks on topics she could not even have begun to be able to imagine and more animalistic talking, where they engrossed themselves in the feat of bringing pleasure to the other and themselves. He had told her stories of his life, entertaining stories, but also stories that she knew he would rather had forgotten. She was immensely thankful for this trust he had chosen to put in her, and it had opened up new sides of his multilayer personality that she had never even begun to suspect existed. For the first time through their long acquaintance she actually felt that she was starting to get to know him.

They had actually been able to touch on some of the more tender spots of their past as well. Without the whole thing exploding in their face. One evening particular stood out to her.

_They had been enjoying a night of dancing and had decided to retire fairly early as the giddiness of the champagne had encouraged them to dance a little bit too closely. Rhett had dragged her outside on the deck for some illicit kissing. The moonlight had been soft and glowing, and the stars had shone more brightly than ever. Before Rhett's kisses had grown too insistent he had swept her up in his arms and carried her back to the cabin. When they had entered the cabin the mood had been light and playful, all of a sudden though Rhett had gone sombre. She still didn't know what exactly had triggered the change in him. But he had abruptly set her down on the edge of the bed, without meeting her eyes. He had turned his back to her and for a moment it had looked as if he would bolt out of the door. After pausing with his hand on the doorknob for one excruciatingly long moment however he had changed his mind and instead sat down at the bureau his long legs stretched out in front of him. He had gazed pensively out in the nothingness, clearly seeing something that she wasn't. She had looked at him puzzled, wanting him to include her in his thoughts. Feeling alone and left out in a way she hadn't for a long time._

"_Rhett..." Her voice had been sounding timid almost scared in the plush silence of their cabin. No reaction from him had indicated that he had even heard her, so far away in his own world was he. For a moment she felt the anger bubbling inside her. How mean he was to exclude her again, she was hurt and wanted to hurt him back._

_Something though had held her back. His posture as he sat on the small chair seemed slightly defeated, and there was kind of a lost look on his face. Instead, still feeling slightly resentful, she had gotten up slowly and walked over to him._

"_Rhett..." She had repeated, placing her hand lightly on his shoulder. He had distractedly turned his head and looked at her for a moment with unseeing eyes before turning away again. Their eyes had just met for a fleeting second, but the expression in his eyes had just been so tormented and heartbreakingly sad that the last bit of her anger had melted away, and all she had wanted to do was to take this strong handsome vulnerable man in her arms and shield him from whatever it was that caused him such pain._

"_Rhett... What is the matter... Rhett" She had spoken as softly as she could. Falling down on her knees, though this pose was very awkward for her since she was still wearing her evening gown. This position enabled her to see his face, and establish the contact she so wanted. She stroked his leg silently, not knowing what else to say to break through his trance. For a while they just sat there, the mantle clock sounding impossibly loud in the silence slowly counting away the seconds as they passed._

"_I see her;__sometimes she is just so clear to me" His voice startled her, it came from a far away place, and she didn't know if he was really speaking to her, or just needed to let out the words._

"_I see her. She smiles, winks, dances and twirls, always just out of reach only a faint image of herself, though undeniably her. I hear her voice, sometimes it calls for me, and sometimes it is just an indiscernible flow of words. I hear her voice though it is not really her voice, only a faint echo. I don't know if it is a blessing or a punishment. Part of me wants to close my eyes and will her to go away, but at the same time I am scared that I will hate myself forever if I do that. I took her life from her, how can I take this small part of being away from her as well? I wonder why it is that I have to go on living when she wasn't allowed to… I miss her, Oh God I miss her. I miss her so unbelievably much. I miss her, not just her smile but everything about her, and I wonder if the pain will ever lessen?" At the last words a constricted sound broke from him, somewhere between a sob and a cry._

_Scarlett had looked at him with amazed puzzlement, before realization had dawned on her. Never in a million years had she imagined that this, their beautiful little girl. The girl that so roughly had been stolen away from them was what was on his mind. Her eyes grew misty as the longing and sadness over the loss of her youngest daughter washed over her. Normally, she with an iron will steeled herself and blocked all images of that perfect little creature out of her mind. This, out of the blue reminder, took her by surprise and she had no time to put up the façade. Oddly also she felt that now, with Rhett at her side, living the same pain, she might actually be able to stand it. Able to stand facing the pain and reliving the nightmare._

"_Oh Rhett, I do too, I do too, so very, very much" her voice broke and she buried her face in his lap. Finally letting the tears, that she so hated, flow freely. Submitting her self to the weakness letting go of herself and her barricades. First he had not reacted, had just absentmindedly put his hand on her bent back. Whether from his slowly soaking pants or from the insistent sound of her sobs he was at last shaken out of his trance, and slowly he pulled her from the chair up into his lap. She curled up to him, not unlike their late daughter, and gave her tears free reign._

"_I know" he said slightly surprised, though it was a dull surprise that didn't really stir anything in him. Of course it had not been easy on her to lose a child either, he had just never really seen how much. He had all the way through harboured an abstract belief that she had not cared enough for their daughter to actually be devastated by the loss. The belief had served him conveniently when he had left her, and as they hadn't talked about these more dark matters from their life before part of him had held on to this belief. Bonnie was one of the subjects they had carefully avoided up till now._

"_I know" The need for him to be strong for her, was oddly helpful. And he felt the world coming back into focus again as he stroked her back, trying to convey comfort and security to her._

"_I am sorry Rhett" her voice was muffled against his shirt._

"_Sorry for blaming you, back then" it felt important for her to say. Her words to him that night still haunted her. But she had been so filled with anguish that hurling it all out had been her only release._

"_Sorry for saying all those nasty things, I never meant them. Not even then."_

"_You know I didn't mean it, don't you?" She lifted her tear streamed face from his chest and gazed into his eyes with eyes begging for understanding and forgiveness, praying with all her heart that he could. His hold on her tightened. He hadn't realized how much her blaming him had stuck with him, and her words now soothed the still raw wounds on his heart, that his daughter's untimely departure had caused._

"_Shhh my dear, shhh now, don't worry, it's all right. I forgive you, I forgive you even though there isn't anything to forgive" His voice was thick and filled with unshed tears. The last bit perhaps wasn't strictly true, but he understood where the anger she had spawned had come from. He too had been resentful at destiny for pulling such a mean trick on him, on them. In truth, he could just as easily have been the one shouting blame. If only he hadn't blamed him self so much._

_It had__taken them the better part of a year to get there but finally they were able to find comfort in each others arms for the loss of their precious child._

_They sat for a long while entwined on the chair, letting loose all those pent up feelings that they hadn't been able to share before._

_When the chair got too uncomfortable they moved over to the bed, not bothering to undress as it would mean letting go of the other for even such a short time. Instead they lay down, tightly entwined, her still curled up against him._

_When their tears finally dried up they started talking; sharing small anecdotes of the small life that was no longer. Remembering things from Bonnie's all together too short life that they thought long forgotten, but now the memories seemed to grow from long repressed corners of their minds. Some memories were sad, others were happy. Scarlett even surprised herself by giggling a few times, feeling at first that it was vastly inappropriate, but on feeling Rhett's grin against her hair she relaxed, and realized that it would be an injustice to Bonnie not to be able to enjoy the spirited, silly and funny moments that had been such a great part of her and her life. As the hours of the night faded away, they in their little cocoon felt almost as if she was their with them, playing, asking strange questions of the world that puzzled her or embroidering on a tall tale to get to the ends that she wanted._

_Only as the sky lightened they had been able to fall asleep._

Scarlett blinked rapidly, trying to get herself back to the present. She felt Rhett's questioning eyes on her, and she smiled at him reassuringly. She knew he still had a tendency to feel jealous if she was dragged into too many floaty daydreams, still not entirely trusting that her daydreams evolved around him, and not Ashley Wilkes as had been the case for the greatest part of their marriage.

It annoyed her, yet it was also something that stroked her vanity. And in this moment she didn't want to initiate a fight that might mar the beautiful memory she had just relived, or the joy she felt at finally being at their destination.

He eyed her warily for a moment; every time she got that far away look in her eyes he felt as if the air was being forced out of his lungs.

"Where had you gone of to My Pet" His use of that old name for her, showed his touchiness on the subject.

"Where do you think" She couldn't help but reply teasingly. Though seeing the cloud that immediately passed over his features at her words, she decided that she didn't want him in a sour grumpy mood for the rest of the day and continued hastily.

"I was just thinking about how amazingly lucky I am to have you my dear husband" She smiled sweetly, fluttering her lashes at him.

"You sure are... but how can I be sure of what goes on in that conniving mind of yours" He managed to get the slight annoyance to stay out of his voice, and instead hit her note of flirty teasing. He smiled, but his eyes did not have the sparkle that she enjoyed to see.

"Ah, Monsieur, you can't... but pray tell me, who would I be dumb enough to dream about when you are right by my side" Still sensing his unspoken doubt, she leaned in and kissed him so soundly on his lips, as to leave not an ounce of doubt lingering. It still amazed her how easily now she sometimes read Rhett. It was as if she had been given the secret key to decoding his moods. Of course she still often failed, but it was very reassuring that she just as often, such as now, got it right.

"Now, how was that for convincing" She gave him another enticing smile. This time he returned her smile with conviction.

"Madame you fairly take my breath away" accompanied by a slight mocking bow, as he grabbed her hand and placed a light kiss on it.

It annoyed him that he wasn't able to completely let go of the lingering jealousy. It wasn't that he didn't fully believe in her love. He did. Still the residual jealousy he just was not able to fully let go and get rid of.

He hadn't realized fully exactly how much it still stayed with him, but it had caused one of their angriest outbursts yet. It had been an evening of dancing on the ship like so many before. He however had been away for major parts of the evening to sort out some business deals with some of the Captain's friends. He had wanted to make sure that all was agreed on before they got to close to their final destination. In his experience the best deals were always made when far away from the mainland. It was as if people lost their sense of reality when they were out where the big blue stretched seemingly endless in all directions. Perhaps it was being so close to the sky that did it. Perhaps the thought that dead could be just around the corner, after all it was never more evident than when you found yourself amidst the mysterious wide stretched seas of the world. Not that he ever cheated anybody to a bad deal. Definitely not, that would ruin his business reputation quicker than a blink of an eye. No he just ensured that he always got the better end of the bargain. And his many years aboard ships had told him, that few people drove as hard a bargain out here as when they were home in the comfort of their own living rooms.

_He had left Scarlett at their table along with some of the people they had made friends with, including some of his old acquaintances of lesser repute. Some he would never have introduced Scarlett to were it not for the fact that they had to spend so much time together in a relatively small space, that it would seem odd if he didn't introduce her to them._

_Scarlett had been in her natural element that evening, fluttering her eyelashes at all the men at the table, smiling sweetly, simpering at the men's clever comments. It always amused him to see her pay tribute to the belle she had been. He had left her assured that she would have an amusing evening._

_And so she certainly had. She had been drinking flutes of champagne, flirting and flowing from the arms of one skilled dancing partner to another. When he had come back in she had been dancing a little to closely for his taste with one of the men he had been doing business with during the war. The man's name was, Tom Farrington, not in Rhett's opinion a fitting name for the snake that he was, he had been his friend, or the closest thing to it, until he had turned around and stabbed him in the back. He had been displeased to find him on board the ship, but feeling it would cause too much of a stir to completely ignore him, he had accepted his presence. He was a handsome blonde man, a few years younger than Rhett himself. He was a skilful dancer and flirt, and had a way with words, a skill that he was currently applying expertly to Rhett Butler's wife this very moment. Leaning in and whispering something probably not completely appropriate, judging from the shocked giggling that erupted from Scarlett. Rhett had felt his brow furrowing at the sight, and also felt the beast of possessive jealousy stir within him: Seeing Scarlett in that particular man arms, made his insides go sour. He knew she had no way to know of their history, but it still hurt him as he could still feel the sting of the other man's betrayal. The fact that he looked a tiny bit like Ashley Wilkes was grounds enough for Rhett to justify his anger at her as well. The tune ended shortly thereafter, and Scarlett turned around looking out for her next dancing partner. Instead she had spotted him leaning against the mahogany walls of the ships ballroom. She smiled at him and immediately steered herself amongst the tables standing around the edges of the dance floor to where he stood. She smiled happily and leaned in to get her reward in the form of a kiss from his lips, but he didn't move to grant her that reward, and she pulled back looking puzzled and a little hurt. He hated himself for causing that look on her face, but he couldn't help it. The irrational emotions that the scene he had just witnessed had set in motion in him were not easily staunched._

"_I see you've been enjoying your self" His voice held a hint of malice and his face was blank._

_Scarlett had withdrawn herself a little further from him, steeling herself, trying to brace herself for what would come next. A hard glint presented itself in her eyes. His insides where already screaming to her that he was sorry, but he just couldn't rein in and stop himself. It was as if some perverse part of him took pleasure in facing the destruction of her happiness, never really believing that he had deserved it. Therefore not surprised to see it go._

"_So what if I have, is there any crime in that" jutting out her chin, looking at him defiantly._

"_No, my pet, not in the slightest. Though it is never pleasurable for the husband to be forced to face his wife offering herself up to all the scum that casts her a friendly smile and a pitiful dance" The malice this time was evident, and his southern drawl more pronounced than normally. As it always was when he was as carefully and dangerously controlled as in this instant._

_Scarlett's mouth opened, forming a surprised O, clearly not expecting even such a low attack._

"_Isn't he your friend?" she asked timidly, still not really believing where this anger of his was coming from._

"_And a very friendly treatment you gave him, Mrs. Butler"_

"_Rhett, it was only a dance" She almost pleaded, hoping that she could magically change his mood back to the sunny disposition he had left with earlier. Perhaps his business had gone wrong, and that was the cause of his anger, though she still found it unreasonable and was hurt by it. She was about to ask him if that was indeed the case when he retaliated._

"_Ah... is that what they are calling it these days"_

_Her eyes turned as hard as flint at those words._

"_You low down, superficial excuse for a man. You skunk, you cad, how can you say such a thing" She hissed the words out between clenched teeth, feeling the almighty blinding helpless anger rise within her, the anger that on previous occasions had caused her to fling hard objects at him._

"_Dear, is that really all you can come up with, I think you are losing your touch" She glared at him angrily one more time before pushing past him, disappearing in a sky of silk and lace._

_After she left he slumped slightly. Regret that already started to kick in. Why did he always have to ruin what he found most beautiful. In the early days of their acquaintance he had taken great pleasure in riling her until she spit fire and lost for words would resort to more physical means of giving her anger vent. But then, even if she had been hurt by his words, she had never looked at him with so much betrayed hurt as she had done now, and he felt like the greatest oaf alive._

"_Was that your wife leaving" The captain approached him._

_Rhett carefully masked his emotions and erected himself._

"_Yes sir, I am sorry she didn't really feel that well" For a moment the captain eyed him questioningly, Mrs. Butler had seemed bubbly and happy all evening, but who where he to judge, so he let it go. _"_I was wondering if I could tempt you with a game of cards then?"_

"_Sorry Captain, but as I said, Mrs. Butler did not feel quite like herself so I better go see if it is anything serious"_

_The old man bowed politely and turned his back to Rhett Butler. He stood for a moment taking in every detail of the ballroom. It had struck quite a good note between being anonymously elegant, though the amount of crystal chandeliers added a touch of decadence to it that created the right atmosphere for the slightly freer form of interaction that involuntarily erupted on board such a ship as this. Happy people were every where, dancing, chatting, playing cards, or languorously taking in the sight of people enjoying the amenities._

_Suddenly the world blurred and Rhett felt nauseous and he rapidly exited the festive room before making a spectacle of himself in front of the other passengers. Out on the deck he ran to the railing, leaning heavily against it waiting for the world to settle back in its place. He breathed deeply. Finally his stomach settled itself again. But he still felt sick, sick to the bone at how he had treated Scarlett. She had smiled so happily at him, and he had turned it all sour. He hoped she would forgive him, even if he didn't deserve it. So many times when they fought it was hard to tell who started the fight, but this time he was the sole responsible person, and it tore at his heart. He felt the past repeating itself, every time life finally seemed to be working out for him he would end up making a mess of things. Blurred images from his childhood pressed themselves forward in his mind, but they had been repressed for so long. They were images from a long distant past, insignificant, disjunct events that had been perceived through the eyes of a boy and had been made significant by a boy's perception of life. Together with his father's constant reinforcement of that point of view, they had grouped together into a twisted view at life, where he was the undeserving jinx. Something he if not always believed, at least in the darker hours of his life he did. It was not something he consciously acknowledged, except for such a time as this, but it had followed him none the less, being part of his reluctance to bare himself and let himself go. A woman had once told him that the early scars heal the slowest, and his deepest scars had been inflicted when he was still young, more had followed later, but with a few exceptions, he hadn't let them hurt him in the same way. Now, he really wanted to succeed in his relationship with Scarlett, something within him though seemed to work against this, doing its best to sabotage all his progress._

_He slowly dragged himself towards their cabin, wanting to find her, yet being scared of the outcome. He recognized the feeling he had had after that night where he had carried her up the stairs. Back then he had hid out at Belle's for several days before gathering up the courage to face her. It had been a mistake to do that then, and hiding away from the confrontation would be an equally big mistake. Though he wasn't sure, that had he been given circumstances in which he could avoid her for some days, would he not have taken the cowards road once again. He hoped not, but he didn't know for sure, and it scared him. Was he really willing let go of something he so wanted that easily._

_He opened the door and expected to be met by angry shouting or even a hairbrush hurled at his face. But nothing. He went inside, curious to see if she would have chosen a sulking punishment approach instead. When his eyes got used to the semi darkness of the room he realized it was empty. His heart constricted in his throat, where was she, he had been so sure that she would have just stormed back to their rooms but apparently not. Things were just as calm and undisturbed in there as they had left them._

_He searchingly went out on the deck again. Not many people were about, as they either would have already retired, or enjoyed another opportunity for late night festivities. Even now he could hear the sound of a lively tune through the semi open door._

_He went to the front and the back of the ship, there weren't many places that a woman in a ball gown could hide out. To his dismay she wasn't to be found anywhere, he began to worry. Could she have done anything stupid, worry filled him as he went back to the ship's grand parlour to request the captain to start a search party. He opened the partially opened door slowly, hoping to get in without attracting too much attention. For some reason he didn't want to attract too much attention to the fact that his wife had disappeared off the face of the ship. As he entered the door he stopped dead in his tracks, whom other than said missing wife was to be found surrounded by a flock of admiring followers. All his resolve to beg forgiveness melted away and anger surged through him, what a devilish vixen she was._

"_Glad you decided to rejoin us after all Captain Butler" The Captain greeted him with a sly smile, only serving to fuel Rhett's anger. His face was completely blank, though for all his effort his dark eyes flashed dangerously._

_He approached the groups surrounding Scarlett nimbly and noiselessly._

"_Ah my dear, I see you have returned to your rightful element" His tone of voice was silky smooth, and to anyone not knowing him as well as she did, it might have sounded pleasantly conversational. But she knew better, nevertheless she had decided to not give a toss what the high and mighty Rhett Butler did tonight._

"_Your eyes do not deceive you Mr. Butler, I am glad to see you have rejoined our party" She gently inclined her head to him. For one moment breaking the steely eye contact between them. Despite her sugary sweet words, he could see that she was as livid with him, as she had been when she had left the room not too long ago._

"_I hope this means you will allow me the next dance"_

_Again she inclined her head in acceptance, and slowly stuck out her hand to him. While in actuality, she would much rather had flown at his face, scratching at his black blank eyes, while screaming her pain and hatred at him. For once she didn't look forward to dancing with him, rather she abhorred the forced intimacy it would create between them._

"_What do you think you are doing Scarlett?" All pretence had left his voice as he hissed the words, at the same time directing her to a less occupied corner of the dance floor._

"_Well I am only doing what you suggested I was doing. Enjoying some pleasurable company"_

"_You know bloody well that wasn't what I meant, what are you playing at going back here? We need to talk, and I suggest we go somewhere else to do it"_

"_I am not going anywhere with you Rhett, I have nothing to say to you"_

"_Ah but you have my dear, you will leave with me, and you will do it now, even if I have to drag you all the way over this polished floor kicking and screaming the whole way"_

_She eyed him for a moment, to divine if he was serious. She decided he was. Raising her head to the proper 45 degree angle to her shoulders she let go of him, and quickly hurried across the floor heading for the nearest exit, leaving a grim Rhett following in her wake. They caused quite a few turned heads, but neither cared. Gossip on the boat was generally short lived especially when it came to minor fights between a husband and wife so evidently in love as Rhett Butler and his insanely charming and beautiful wife._

"_So what is it that you want to say to me Rhett" she turned to him as soon as the door clicked shut behind. She looked at him defiantly as if she couldn't care less what he said, but that she had been hurt by his two outbursts this evening was evident._

_As he stood there taking in every detail of her he noticed how lost she looked and the anger melted away. She wanted so look so strong, yet in a blinding epiphany he realized that his ability to hurt her, now was just as powerful as her ability to hurt him. Perhaps he had unknowingly always wielded that power, but with the knowledge of it also came responsibility to wield that power with care. And in that respect he had failed miserably tonight._

"_I am sorry Scarlett" He knew the words were insufficient but perhaps it was a step in the right direction._

_She looked at him guardedly, wanting to believe him and forgive, but the pain of his betrayal of her trust still stung._

"_I am so, so sorry, can you forgive me"_

_He stepped closer one step at the time, looking for any reaction from her side._

_When he stood right in front of her. He with a hesitant movement lifted her chin looking into her face._

"_You are a fool Rhett Butler, a damn fool" she said with all the venom she could muster. As if the words let something loose within her she coiled her fists and started raining them down on his shirt front._

"_You are a fool, a fool, a fool"_

"_A stupid, stupid fool"_

_Her words grew more and more high pitched while still her fists connected again and again with his muscular front. Until her voice suddenly broke and she fell crumbled against his body._

_His arms closed around her and she sobbed quietly against is white shirt._

"_Never, never, never do that again, or I'll never forgive you" she repeated the words again and again in between her sobs._

_When her sobs finally grew infrequent and he sensed that she was beginning to calm down, he took her to the chaise-lounge in the part of the cabin that constituted the living room. Carefully and depreciatingly slowly he tried to explain why he had reacted as he had done. At first his talking was slow and guarded, but as he felt she listened, and in part understood. So leaf by leaf, like the peeling of an artichoke, he told the story, removing the layers that protected his heart._

_In the end it had been a reassuring experience, and he sincerely believed that their love had grown stronger for it. Though it was not a method he would recommend to any other couple as a way of addressing their marital problems._

This time it was Scarlett who pulled Rhett out of his reverie.

"I hope that faraway look doesn't mean that you have your mind on any other girl than me" She smiled at him possessively.

"You know, you are not the only one that can be jealous." She puckered her lips, in mock annoyance. This time it was his turn to kiss her, which he did a little more soundly than the one she had granted him with.

"Quell your suspicions my dear, I have room for no other girl than you in my head... and even if I did, where would I have met her? We've been stuck on that boat for so long. And as I am sure you noticed the men far outnumbered the women, no less talking about the attractive women that might hold an appeal to me" he ended his sentence on a playful note, lightly side stepping as she swatted out at him.

"I dare say, I will have to keep you on a tight rein once we get to Paris" She smiled at him flirtatiously. In that moment completely sure of his love for her.

Their long weeks on the sea had brought them closer than she had imagined possible in such a short period of time. It had been a great adventure so far, and they had only just begun their travels. A month maybe two in Paris before going on to England, where they were to meet up with Rosemary who had reluctantly agreed to bring over Wade and Ella. It had been the compromise she had been forced to make in order to be allowed her tour of Europe. She had been willing to sell her right arm and left leg for it, so when she learned that by accompanying two children, for the first part of the travel it had seemed like at sweet deal. Scarlett hoped that she wouldn't come to regret it in the middle of the ocean, but apart from that she was pleased with the agreement. It would give Rhett and her plenty of time on their own. But much to her own surprise she found that she actually was looking forward to being reunited with the children from her previous marriages. She was just happy it was still some time away.

Life with Rhett would never be boring, and after what they had conquered, what they had learned over the past few weeks, she hoped that they would be able to weather all storms thrown their way. She smiled as she took Rhett's hand in hers, she felt young, young, free and immensely happy, and eager to see what life had in store for her. For them.

The End. Though of course never for Rhett and Scarlett ;)


End file.
